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I need some advice / comments on my actions.....


RichieR123
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I hope this isn't too long....

 

I'm 23, had a few real short relationships, and I've gone on dates with lots of girls. I'd also say I'm somewhat good-looking.

 

I have this issue. After the first or second date... if I like a girl, it seems to never work out... but when I don't like a girl, she always thinks the date went well..... anyone else have this problem and can give some advice???

 

I'm starting to think that my personality is crap, that the girls I like all like me at first cause they think I'm cute, and then the get to know me an I just let them down... it's rather depressing lately.

 

My most recent story follows, but you can just comment on the above if you would... PLEASE!!!

 

So friday I met a girl out at a bar. We hit it off and hung out all night. Her friend actually left to go home and she stayed out with me. We left and went to a club to dance, then I took her to her car. I little goodnight kiss turned into making out for a while. Now I will say, this is probably the hottest girl I've made out with. So that night she invites me out the next night with a bunch of her friends. Her friend also tells me the next night that shes not usually one that meets someone and then makes out with them the same night.

 

Saturday I call early evening, leave a message. I call again that night(stupid/desperate, i know), and she doesnt pick up. At about 11 she calls me and tell me to meet them out, so I do. I meet her friends, and hang out with the guys most of the time, cause she is off with her girlfriends. Then we go to a dance club, and she goes out there with the girls. Some guy starts dancing with her, and I'm not about to go out and inturrupt that. It closes, we go to one of her friends house for a bit, then go to another and crash in separate rooms. Then they take me home in the morning.

 

My questions are: Did I already blow it by not competing for her attention Saturday? Over time I have realized that hot women tend to be like this, invite me out and all, but kinda do their own thing.... am I right? And most importantly, if I do go out with her to dinner or something this week, can you give me suggestions relating to the top of this topic???

 

Thanks guys, I hope I can get at least one responce

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Friend, good for you on posting. This is definitely something you can improve on and you do right to address this area of your life. So don't get down on yourself and let's work on some specifics.

 

I call again that night(stupid/desperate, i know)

Your view is very common but not correct. Being persistent does not equal being desperate. She could think you were an aggressive (not desperate) guy and she could be cool with it, and also she might even expect or be turned on by your forward actions. Don't worry about looking needy because you double call, if you sound needy when you talk to her that's what you need to work on, but I don't necessarily sense that from you. Need to know more or see you in action to say.

 

At about 11 she calls me and tell me to meet them out, so I do.

Good sign, she wouldn't have called you if she wasn't still feeling you at this point, so you didn't seem needy by double calling.

 

Some guy starts dancing with her, and I'm not about to go out and inturrupt that.

Do not be discouraged because I made (and sometimes still make) the mistake of being too hands off and keeping my mouth shut to avoid conftontation, but this is the wrong way. When you did that, you communicated to her 2 things. One that you have no guts/confidence and aren't willing to stick up for yourself when being disrespected. She invited you out, but it wasn't to go pick up new dates. She wanted to see if you were a possible suitor and this was one of her screening tests. Also you communicated that you didn't care about her because why would you sit idle while some other dude is up on the girl you're into? She got the impression that you were only interested in her body and not caring about her on any other level and thereforeeee she labeled you a player. Have no doubt about it, she was testing you for your true intentions and to see if the confidence you displayed were real or fake.

 

A better way to handle this would've been to let her do her thing for a bit and do your own and after she gets done dancing with the dude say something to the effect of "I don't know how you expect me to take you seriously when you pull stuff like that." In a stern tone because the level of disrespect was pretty high. You don't always want to go in with gunz blazing, but in this case you do.

 

So at this point, no need to give up just yet because I've seen comebacks bigger than this. Call her up and try and get her to go do something not so serious. If you go for food, go to a diner or something not expensive so you two can talk a bit. Just start to expect tests like this because girls will throw em hard and fast at you, especially the hotter they are.

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I'm starting to think that my personality is crap, that the girls I like all like me at first cause they think I'm cute, and then the get to know me an I just let them down... it's rather depressing lately.

It's not because your personality is inadequate or "crap" that you have difficulty getting past the first few dates with girls. Your personality may not have been ideally suited to some of the girls you have dated, as they may have discovered when they got to know you a little better. It is often inexplicable that we connect with some people and not with others, sometimes you just don't click with one another for no particular reason. If girls tend to like you at first for your looks, the chances that you will really get along are less because these girls like you without having considered your personality.

 

I agree with heloladies21 that you shouldn't worry about having called twice. She called you at eleven to go out with her friends, so she obviously didn't think you had called obsessively. It is always possible that she was herself trying not to appear desperate in asking you out with her friends and doing her own thing that night.

 

I also agree that she probably asked you out with her friends to evaluate you. I don't think that dancing with the other guy was necessarily about testing your mettle. She asked you to go out with her and her friends, and then did her own thing all night, because she wanted to see if you get along with her friends and if they like you. She wants to know something about who you are as a person, that shows that she's interested.

 

And as for going to dinner or something like that with her, you should just be yourself. That's really cliched, but its actually true because you don't want her to like you for someone you pretend to be. Surely, you want her to like you for the person that you are. And if she doesn't, someone else will

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Thanks for the help guys. I definitely get what both of you are saying. Now that you mention it and that I've explored online a bit more I think I have just never 'gotten' the whole test thing. I mean I understand it, but I'm not very good at passing.

 

Quick followup on dating etiqute(sp?) while I'm posting. I've never known what is correct or not when it come to hand holding, touching, etc on first/second/third dates.... in part because i'm always in different situations, like this one where if I go out with her it'll be a first date, even though we've already hung out twice and made out. I know some women think it's sweet, but some might think its too forward. Any suggestions here?

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I would try to get her alone on a date and see how that goes. Maybe take her out to dinner and movie and get to know her more personally than always going to clubs or bars. Then it might be easier to feel her out and find out how she's feeling about the whole situation. I think hand holding is appropriate. Besides, if you've already made out with her a couple times, I wouldn't say hand holding is any more forward that than. Everyone is different. Just try to see where she is.

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Thanks for the help guys. I definitely get what both of you are saying. Now that you mention it and that I've explored online a bit more I think I have just never 'gotten' the whole test thing. I mean I understand it, but I'm not very good at passing.

 

Quick followup on dating etiqute(sp?) while I'm posting. I've never known what is correct or not when it come to hand holding, touching, etc on first/second/third dates.... in part because i'm always in different situations, like this one where if I go out with her it'll be a first date, even though we've already hung out twice and made out. I know some women think it's sweet, but some might think its too forward. Any suggestions here?

Yup, tests are hard, but they make sense. So many guys are fake out there and this is the way to tell who is real and who is not. Getting good at passign them usually takes seeing someone else do it for a bit before you're able to notice and then pass the tests on your own. One that I always get is when I'm talking to a girl and she starts talking about some other guy she's seeing. You need to address this asap and question her on why she's telling you this stuff.

 

As for the physical stuff, you can only know what to do by sensing the vibe. She'll let you know what she's comfortable by a variety of factors,both physical and verbal.

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Thanks for all the advice guys. Just to give you an update, I called this evening but she didnt pick up, so I left a short message. I know I fret over this but I'll try as hard as I can to heed your advice and keep it in my mind that there are many reasons.

 

When should I call back? I think I'm going to call Friday.... good idea?

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I hope this isn't too long....

 

I'm 23, had a few real short relationships, and I've gone on dates with lots of girls. I'd also say I'm somewhat good-looking.

 

I have this issue. After the first or second date... if I like a girl, it seems to never work out... but when I don't like a girl, she always thinks the date went well..... anyone else have this problem and can give some advice???

 

I'm starting to think that my personality is crap, that the girls I like all like me at first cause they think I'm cute, and then the get to know me an I just let them down... it's rather depressing lately.

 

 

I know what you mean...I have felt the same way myself.

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