Should I contact her again?

[Ant1975]

Ok basic facts to my story are. Met a girl in a club, had a great 6 weeks together. I played it cool and never really went full on by contacting her all the time etc and she used to come over and stay at mine most weekends. She was really into me and would constantly tell me how nice I was and how much she liked me.

 

I went on holiday for a week which was pre-booked. She sent me a card before I went telling me how happy she was and that I made her tingle all over. During my holiday I contacted her via text and always got a reply.

She went on holiday with her mates to Tenerife a couple of days later (also pre-booked before we met). However, I was the one contacting her every other day apart from once where she sent me a joke. The last couple of days of the holiday I sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet up when she got back? No reply and I left it.

 

She gets back on the Sat and I didnt get a text till Mon morning saying sorry but she'd been out the night she got back and was in bed all Sun.

 

Anyway her uncle had been ill and was on deaths door before I had gone away but she'd continued contact with me about it. He had a relaspe when she got back at she seemed really distant with me and wasnt in contact. She told me eventually so I understood and told her I'd be there for her as she was visiting him in hospital.

 

She was being really off with me though and didnt reply to texts until the next day or when I rang her (I wasnt ringing every day, just every few days to see how she was). I got a bit annoyed as she contacted me before when her uncle was ill but not now. So I put her on the spot by asking what was going on with us as I felt she was disrespecting me even though I understood her situation.

 

She still said she wanted to be with me but to be patient. I was but a week later got a text saying that she thinks we should leave things. She said she still had the same feelings for me but felt empty and sad and needed to be her again.

 

I basically said I understood and it was a shame it hasnt worked out. Thing is she has admitted to still liking me so do I wait a month and then contact her to see if she would like to meet up again? She seemed to become distant with me 1/2 way through her holiday. I do like her so am wondering if I should bother wasting my time. I'm ok about the breakup but am confused as to why she would say those things when she still likes me.

 

Sorry for the long mail but would appreciate some good advice.

[tylercdurden2004]

Its only been 6 weeks together I would leave it. If she wants to contact you she will.

[Ant1975]

Yeah but it was a pretty full on 6 weeks and we really connected. Just dont really want to waste something which was potentially good.

[tylercdurden2004]

I believe she said she needs to be herself. Give her that respect. Let it go.

 

A relationship is not just about you. No matter how much YOU want it to work it wont if BOTH people dont want it to work. You cant lie, trick, buy, guilt her into beign with you. Again 6 weeks is a VERY short time let it go and find someone else.

[Ant1975]

why would she still say she really like me still though? What do you think she means by "needing to be me"

 

Sorry the total time we we're together was probably about 2 months in total. I know its a short time. Sorry about this but am just a bit confused.

[tylercdurden2004]

She saying she still likes you because she doesnt want to hurt you by saying " I do not like you anymore."

 

If she wanted to be with you she would plain and simple. People dont make excuses when they really want something. Why shouldnt she be with you? What aer her reasons? Is the only excuse she gave you was she needs to be"herself."

 

RULE #1: Forget girls that confuse you.

 

RULE #2: Look at their ACTIONS. Are they congruent with what they say? If not then you have confusion.

 

She says she likes you but she doesnt act like it does she?

[DN]

I agree with tyler. If she wants to contact you she will. It could be that she has some other reason for being like this but doesn't want to tell you.

 

best thing is to give her the space but also go out and see if there is anyone else out there for you. Don't assume she will come back and sit around waiting for that to happen.

 

If and when she does you can decide what to do at that time. If she waits too long, loses you to someone else and regrets it, then that is a consequence of her actions not yours.

[Ant1975]

Yeah your right. I think she does still like me but with whats been going on with her uncle she admitted to feeling "empty and sad" so wants to get some time to herself to get back to being "her" again.

 

Dont worry I'm not going to be sitting at home waiting and theres no way I'm contacting her. It just makes you judge yourself and think if theres something wrong with you. I know her going on holiday was the turning point and I should have called her on it sooner rather than giving her the benefit of the doubt.

[Scout]

I understand your confusion and frustration. It's too bad she can't give you a clearer understanding of what's going on, even if it means she is not interested anymore. After a "pretty full on" six weeks, I think she owes you a clear reason for why she suddenly backed off.

 

But, just because she owes you that doesn't mean I recommend you ask for it again. You already did (and I don't blame you, I would have done the same thing). Like DN says, at this point just give her the space she asked for (or as she said, "patience"), and go on with your life and meeting other people.

 

If she contacts you again, you should then ask her for some clear understanding of what was up with her, because you don't need this kind of flakiness in your life. But I don't think you should contact her first, friend. You've more than made the effort here, and the ball is squarely in her court at this point. Hopefully, she'll lobby it back to you, but I wouldn't sit around waiting for her, too.

 

Sorry you're going through this. Again, I know it's frustrating, but you sound like a pretty cool guy, so don't keep yourself off the market!

[Ant1975]

Thanks Scout for those kind words. She showed alot of respect to me by at least telling me and we did have a few texts back and forth when I asked her what her reasons were.

 

I've basically known that her uncle has taken a big strain on her mum and shes been concerned about it for a few weeks. They have been travelling back and forth to Wales where he's in hospital for the last couple of weekends. I know shes under alot of strain and this has probably made her sad and not feeling like herself.

 

She admitted to feeling sad and empty so I think its just a case of wrong place wrong time for me and her. We lost momentum with the holidays and then her uncle situation made it difficult to get back on track. I dont really blame myself, it just wasnt meant to be I suppose.

 

Its just a shame as you dont get to meet people very often who you have a great connection with. Suppose I'm not looking forward to having to find someone again. Think I'll take some time out and just have some fun with friends. I'm beating myself up over things and judging myself which I know I shouldnt as I've done nothing wrong.

[Scout]

Its just a shame as you dont get to meet people very often who you have a great connection with. Suppose I'm not looking forward to having to find someone again. Think I'll take some time out and just have some fun with friends. I'm beating myself up over things and judging myself which I know I shouldnt as I've done nothing wrong.

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean here. About a year and a half ago, I met a guy that I felt we just really clicked. I assumed he felt the same way. Then he went away for a weekend, telling me before he left he'd call me when he got back so we could plan a camping trip the following weekend. Imagine my shock when after a week of when he was supposed to come back, I still hadn't heard from him! I finally called him just to make sure he wasn't dead or something. He was really evasive and uncomfortable on the phone, and it was clear that for whatever reasons (which he didn't give me) we were through. Not saying this will be the eventual case in your situation, but just giving some feedback on similar feelings I experienced once.

 

Anyway, I was utterly confused and upset for some time, as I thought the same thing...here I'd met someone I really connected with for a change, and knowing how hard that it is to find, I was at that point convinced it was something I had done/not done to turn him off.

 

Interestingly, his blowing me off had a happy ending. In the course of our dating, he had taken me to some great places to hear live music, little "off the beaten path" types of places I'd never even heard of. I eventually went back to some of them because I liked the kind of music they played there, and one evening, I met a drummer in a band that was playing there. I actually got to know the whole band, because I offered to do promotional activities for them since I liked their sound so much. After a couple of months, the drummer and I started dating, and he and I had that same connection - even more so - and he didn't flake out on me.

 

Moral of the story here, sometimes we meet people who, even if it doesn't work out with us, can lead us to new opportunities and experiences that work out even better for us.

[Batya33]

Yeah but it was a pretty full on 6 weeks and we really connected. Just dont really want to waste something which was potentially good.

 

Six weeks is six weeks and you chose to see her that often and get that intense. Better to get to know someone over time. Sounds like she liked the thrill and romance of a new relationship, then went on holiday, realized she missed being "free" and that was that. You can't truly count the first two months as a predictor of the future of the relationship because often it's so head over heels, thrilling, larger than life - and that is what a lot of people enjoy, not the comfort and stability of a long term relationship.

[Ant1975]

Well I know that its over and she's not interested anymore but I do honestly think it was just a situational thing as she still contacted me when she got back from holiday. And when I put her on the spot asking her if she still wanted to be with me she said she did. I think shes just re-assessed whats going on in her life and how shes feeling and decided that she needs time for herself to be happy again. I'm glad she showed me enough respect to tell me and give me reasons why though. I was close to dumping her when I put her on the spot last week as I annoyed with the whole situation and her being distant. I've written it all off and am trying to forget about it all to be honest.

 

I know what you mean though as theres plenty of people out there and it seems like it worked out good for you. At the moment I just seem to be hitting a run of bad luck so am going to just live life and see what happens. I'm thinking too much and should just let fate take its course and see where life leads me. I'm quite a positive person but my egos taken a bit of a battering at the moment haha.

[Scout]

Six weeks is six weeks and you chose to see her that often and get that intense. Better to get to know someone over time. Sounds like she liked the thrill and romance of a new relationship, then went on holiday, realized she missed being "free" and that was that. You can't truly count the first two months as a predictor of the future of the relationship because often it's so head over heels, thrilling, larger than life - and that is what a lot of people enjoy, not the comfort and stability of a long term relationship.

 

While theoretically, I agree with you here...I also know that six weeks of regularly seeing someone can make you feel more hopeful than not about a relationship's long term potential. It's enough time to get at least somewhat emotionally invested, so any abrupt end to it is sure to result in feeling upset and confused.

[Scout]

Ant1975, whatever you feel during this time, I would recommend you don't regret "putting her on the spot" as you refer to it. You merely asked a direct question to get an understanding of where things are at. Otherwise known as honest communication!

[Ant1975]

The thing is I knew that it was 6 weeks so I wasnt getting too excited and was playing it cool. I know it takes at least 3 months for people to start showing their true selves. It was her doing the running not me so I was surprised by the turn of events. Thats life I suppose.

[Batya33]

The thing is I knew that it was 6 weeks so I wasnt getting too excited and was playing it cool. I know it takes at least 3 months for people to start showing their true selves. It was her doing the running not me so I was surprised by the turn of events. Thats life I suppose.

 

It's the fact that you were surprised that is confusing. If you assume your three month rule, little should surprise you in the first 6 weeks.

[annie24]

The thing is I knew that it was 6 weeks so I wasnt getting too excited and was playing it cool. I know it takes at least 3 months for people to start showing their true selves. It was her doing the running not me so I was surprised by the turn of events. Thats life I suppose.

 

yeah, well... there you go.... even more confirmation of your "3 month rule." (by the way, I have that too.....)

 

anyways, I am sorry things didn't work out. it is really hard when you meet someone you really felt you connected with, then you turn around and they are gone. *poof* it sucks - it's like someone ripped the floor from under your feet.

 

I promise, a few months from now, she will be a random distant memory.

 

don't be surprised if you hear from her 7 months from now, out of the blue, acting like nothing happened at all.... I've had that experience too....

[Ant1975]

Thanks for the advice everyone in helping to clear things up as sometimes you need an outside perspective to make things clearer. I've deleted her number and email address and have come to the conclusion that she has done me a favour.

 

I felt a bit crap for a couple of days but feel honestly fine about it all now. Wasnt meant to be and no point in wasting energy and time wondering "what if?"

 

Annie24 - I dont expect to hear from her again as I think its more of a thing blokes tend to do where they contact ex's out the blue. None of my ex's have done it to me so would be surprised. Its too late now anyway for her even if she did in my opinion.

[annie24]

Thanks for the advice everyone in helping to clear things up as sometimes you need an outside perspective to make things clearer. I've deleted her number and email address and have come to the conclusion that she has done me a favour.

 

I felt a bit crap for a couple of days but feel honestly fine about it all now. Wasnt meant to be and no point in wasting energy and time wondering "what if?"

 

 

That sounds like a good attittude.

 

no worries.... other fishies in the sea....