blueangel Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 We silently struggle now Separately with our lives Bitterness rests in the shadows of fights Inside my own self, I hide Because with me, you refused to try Stubborn ways neglect to have a pace And always instead you run away It's conquered this heart Torn it apart So cold, it's old- how did it start? True needs left unsaid Smiles never shed- There were only tears I'd disappear And you were scared of that. Blaming me for all that I'm not Targeting the shell of my soul Not the heart Breaking, burying all these things There's so much pain some people can bring But I'll gain myself back- take a stronger step I'll free myself from the act that you kept- going.... This person's changed From all the blame After it all came And when I left Nothing remains unslain I feel your absense- I feel some love But I have to admit that it's not enough To stick around and figure you out I'll love from afar even through this dark scar And maybe one day, I'll forgive you Sometimes I think I understand you You were a soul shattered When the moment mattered And couldn't fix yourself in time for me Mother to father to daughter to sky We pass on how we live our life. Link to comment
Scout Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 Wow...did you write this? Very moving. Link to comment
Shadows Light Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 \\ VERY VERY VERY nice... I like it. Nice job. Woot... Style looks familiar... its very well written. Insightful and deep for a young lady of 16. AWESOME. Link to comment
Ms. Babydoll Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 Wow, that really touched my heart, well done Link to comment
darkblue Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 It's great to see your still writing - and although, I thought it impossible - you're getting better. I'm still around, and still here for you. Link to comment
BrokenBlackWolf Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 that was deep...wow Link to comment
blueangel Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 The style is my own-I rhyme the words to a beat inside my head. I sing while I'm writing WHAT I'm writing. I'm glad you all say you like my writing though I'm disappointed in the comments. That's poetry though. You get, "Oh I like this!" but the content of the poem remains untouched by your words. Well, I'm glad it made you feel something for the moment. Wa- hoo! Too bad no one knows how to write reviews. If you don't put any time into your comments- OMG, don't bother. They just bore! AHAHAHAHA! (It's really early for me right now. I feel like I'm on crack or something.) Link to comment
blueangel Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 I'm still around, and still here for you. Now that's just poopy! Link to comment
blueangel Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 that was deep...wow I wrote it just so someone would say that. K- BYE! Link to comment
blueangel Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 I just, you know, like being challenged. Link to comment
Shadows Light Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 ewwwwww touchy touchy artist we are. The style reminds me of a friend of mine. He writes... wrote.... poetry to me all the time. Your poem touched me very much...on a personal level. Not only because of the style...but the choice of words "FITS" the situations that I am in. Beyond that... I can't comment. Its too personal. Suffice to say... I found it a good poem, because it spoke to me personally. And that... is what GREAT writing and poetry is all about, when the reader can make it their own. You savvy?? Link to comment
blueangel Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 ewwwwww touchy touchy artist we are. The style reminds me of a friend of mine. He writes... wrote.... poetry to me all the time. Your poem touched me very much...on a personal level. Not only because of the style...but the choice of words "FITS" the situations that I am in. Beyond that... I can't comment. Its too personal. Suffice to say... I found it a good poem, because it spoke to me personally. And that... is what GREAT writing and poetry is all about, when the reader can make it their own. You savvy?? Good enough! I like critical advice the best, I think. I'm weird. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 hey, long time no see (sorry if you find that comment trite). The style is my own-I rhyme the words to a beat inside my head. I sing while I'm writing WHAT I'm writing. that's how i usually write poetry, too. it's hard to convey the meter sometimes, isn't it? i knew that i would like this when i saw who had authored it. i guess i'm used to your intense depth and your mastery of the language from reading some of your prosaic posts, but your sparing use of rhyme here - bravissimo. if it's constructive criticism you're after, i can offer only this: you might consider pluralizing the final word of the poem. for me, the singular "life" stands out against an otherwise perfect piece, and not in a wabi-sabi way. EDIT: i also would have said "struggle silently", as opposed to "silently struggle". but that might be just a matter of style. Link to comment
blueangel Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 hey, long time no see (sorry if you find that comment trite). that's how i usually write poetry, too. it's hard to convey the meter sometimes, isn't it? i knew that i would like this when i saw who had authored it. i guess i'm used to your intense depth and your mastery of the language from reading some of your prosaic posts, but your sparing use of rhyme here - bravissimo. if it's constructive criticism you're after, i can offer only this: you might consider pluralizing the final word of the poem. for me, the singular "life" stands out against an otherwise perfect piece, and not in a wabi-sabi way. EDIT: i also would have said "struggle silently", as opposed to "silently struggle". but that might be just a matter of style. Thanks! What you said was most fulfilling. Yeah, I like critisism a lot...just the mindset of it is fun... too bad I don't follow it though. Link to comment
valenski Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I think it tells a story, is it your story or some personal experience you had with someone? Then I kept coming back to the last line of your poem... We pass on how we live our life. It really got me thinking about my own life and what was passed on to me by my parents and what I dont want to pass on to my own children. I found your poem really thought provoking. Link to comment
AnotherBrokenDoll Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Ok i shall admit i don't know how to write reviews but i do like saying what i like in peoples work and basically why i like it. I'm with the others... I love the way you write your poetry. The wording you use. The feeling you create in your work is awesome. I likee the way you change it slightly. As for challenging you... I can't because i think its a great poem and personally i don't like suggesting things into other peoples work because i believe with all the creative stuff that it should be personal and come from the writers heart and i have no right to say what is or isnt good really... Link to comment
blueangel Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 I think it tells a story, is it your story or some personal experience you had with someone? Then I kept coming back to the last line of your poem... It really got me thinking about my own life and what was passed on to me by my parents and what I dont want to pass on to my own children. I found your poem really thought provoking. Oh, good! Link to comment
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