Confused

[Velveteen]

Hi all,

 

I've been reading a lot of the posts on this site for a while but I've only just registered. My problem is so long it would probably take a book to explain it all so I'll try to shorten it.

 

I was in a relationship for 3 years that ended when I found out he was cheating then I met someone in a very short space of time, he is from a different country / culture but I felt happy with him, he wanted to be with me all the time, cared for me, was sweet, I felt so loved and needed and we got married after 6 months. Now I did love him and maybe I still do, but our differences lately seem to be all I can see.

 

Perhaps it was a slight rebound but its all a bit late for those type of regrets now. But sometimes I miss someone who I can really talk to and enjoy myself with, I just feel like I'm acting all the time I'm with him, there's no joy in my life. He doesn't trust me at all. Which really hurts me since he knows what happened to me. He's always asking 'do you love me'. When I say of course, he responds with, 'No you don't or other similar comments.

 

Since I've been with him (a year) I haven't been out without him once. His idea is why would I want to go out without him etc. His insecurity and jealousy is driving me nuts. Whenever I brought this up he says that he can't help it and my previous behaviour is the cause of it. By this he means the 3 -4 times I went out with him and friends, got drunk and probably because of feeling so hemmed in I went a little nutty and we argued. And he accuses me of flirting, which I honestly don't even know how to do! Of course I was sorry, I know binge drinking isn't good, but then I wouldn't have done that if I wasn't feeling so stressed. Its like now I'm his wife then thetas it. Ur life is over.

 

When I go home from work, the way he asks questions is like an inquisition. Did you go into town? Who did you meet? Any calls? blah blah blah blah blah. He makes me feel guilty for nothing.

 

His behaviour was worse before, checking my phone, my bag, angry because I wouldn't go to bed the same time as him. Thats all stopped but now all we do is sit at home, no real talking. He gets the questions over with and I just don't feel like talking to him at all. And he makes me feel inadequate; I feel I'm not living up to his standard. For cooking, cleaning, sex, managing money, supporting him because 'he's only in this country for me' as he keeps reminding me.

 

He hates the town we're living in, which is where I grew up, and wants us to move someplace else. But I'm afraid of being completely cut off from everyone. And there is no way I'd move to his country.

 

I know he loves me but he's suffocating me, but I know if I say that to him he'll leave. He couldn't take that at all. Even if I have a problem he always has to ask if it's to do with him. I can't even be upset over something and he thinks it has to do with him.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe a clearer view of the situation. Theres loads more to it, but its very hard to type it all without rambling, I'm not even sure this makes any sense.

 

I just hope I haven't got myself into another mess of a relationship, which I have managed to do all my dating life!

 

Oh God please don't say I've done it again.....

[aymee_lee]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

 

I don't really know what to say to make things better, and as you said, it's always rather more complicated than what you can type isn't it?

 

I think you probably need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. It must be difficult for him, because being from another country he probably doesn't have many friends of his own, and being your home town, you most likely have many friends, with whom you share a long history.

 

If you want to make it work, you do need to be able to go out alone. We all need 'me' time. I love my bf, but I still enjoy nights out without him, and it's the same for him. We never used to be this way but you learn that its not a terrible thing to have a bit of independence (although some couples like to live in each other's pockets and that works for them).

 

However, if you are thinking that no matter what, you want out of this relationship, then no amount of nights out with your friends will fix that.

 

Think carefully about your situation (it seems like you are anyway, without me saying that) because you are married, and it can be a lot more difficult to walk away from marriage than a bf, there are a lot more factors involved.

 

As my mum always says 'Either do something about it, or get out'.

 

I hope you have found this even a bit helpful. Only you know what's best for you x

[Goldfish6888]

Hi welcome to enotalone! I hope you find some good advice and make some friends here! I'm trying to see both sides of the story here and also make some constructive suggestions for you. There is always marriage counselling, if you do feel that things have become way too much for you.

 

His insecurity could be down to the fact he is in a strange country and not on his homeground. Everything is different and his support system is miles away. He's having to cope with new customs, different working culture etc...as well as the first year of marriage, which can be difficult adjustment in itself (for both of you).

 

It also sounds like you both need your own space. Even when you are married you need to have other outside interests - a hobby, a class, a team sport. And also he needs this too, as he probably doesn't have any other friend besides YOU! So you are totally the focus of his attention, hence his need for details and what you are doing), and is making you feel trapped and hemmed in!!

 

You must have enjoyed yourself previously with him, for you to consider marrying him. Can you remember what you did, what kind of dates you went on? Maybe a little fun date is what you guys need - like a datenight once a week? Get back to the same feelings you had when you first met?

 

Its like now I'm his wife then thats it. Ur life is over.

I also think you are having a momentary panic on the fact you are now married. I've heard friends say this kicks in a good few months into your marriage. Your life should just be beginning with him. But marriage does require work. Communication is really important. Have you really sat down with him and talked about how YOU REALLY FEEL? Maybe he is feeling it too!

 

I hope some of this helps! XOX

[langford]

I think you should reconsider staying married,marriage is hard enough without having to "fake" your way through it.

 

He could be acting hyper viligant and insecure about the relationship because he can sense you are unsure about your feelings for him,it could also be a core part of his cultural background women do 'belong' to their husbands in many countries.

 

 

All the reasons your'e listing,different culture,rebound,posessive are all valid reasons to question the relationship but the key point seems to be that you don't feel any "joy" in this relationship and sound as if you regret getting married so quickly.

 

Life is too brief to act your way through an unhappy relationship wether married or not.

.

[Momene]

I'd try to revisit the times and attitudes that brought you close in the first place. I always try to resist telling people to split or dump their partner b ut if you've tried everything and all fails, it may be the only option.

[Velveteen]

Thanks for your quick replies.

 

I did enjoy times with him before, he was always a little insecure/jealous but its just become more obvious since we've married instead of better. I guess I am a little - "omg Im married"too.

 

I'm an easy going person and hate to cause friction so end up doing things or ignoring my feelings and going the way of least resistance. And now basically I spend so much time justifying my actions that I don't feel relaxed with him.

 

I do try to understand that he's away from his family and friends, however this doesn't make it right for him to lean on me so much. does it? He has 2 friends here who are from his country too, which he goes out alone with. It is true that where he comes from women are looked at slightly as a possession and need to be looked after, which he knows I don't agree with.

 

He knew what my life was like here and what I was like. I have compromised but its like he always wants more. I don't want to walk away from this but I just don't know how to sort this out. Anything I'll say he'll take as a direct criticism. And when he's angry he just won't talk to me at all.

 

Sometimes it seems that he can do as he pleases as he's a man but I'm the inferior un-trustworthy woman. He is very good to me but we just seem to have different ideas on my role in this relationship. And I often find myself saying things like ... I can't / couldn't to something because I wouldn't be allowed. It like I'm back in childhood, and yet I look after all the important things like sorting out finances, bills etc.

 

How would I go about bringing any of my issues up with him? I know it will end up in a slanging match and he'll end up ignoring me and I'll be sobbing my heart out or emotionally dead from it all.

 

Thanks again for the help....

[Beec]

He is taking over control of everything you do. If you let him do it, then YOU LET HIM. He cannot do it unless you let him.

 

If you want control over your own life, you must fight for it. You need not yell or aruge or any of that, but you need to not give in to his control. It can be as simple as not answering, when he asks where you were. It should invovle you doing things, which he will throw and tantrum about it. And you should remain calm through whatever he does.

 

And let him know you love him, but you will not let him, his insecurities and jealousies control you.

[Momene]

Maybe this is one of the FEW situations where I would suggest a break for 1/2 weeks.

[Velveteen]

I know I probably enable his behaviour, I'm not sure why, I know I have / had a co-dependancy problem before and suffer from depression which I'm medicated for (which he wants me off and says that he'll help me, and that theres no reason to be depressed!!! ) That makes me angry when he thinks its all in my head. . If I'm truthfull the majority of my past relationships were not heathly at all. There has been controlling issues before and I always swore I'd be more carefull, but this has surprised me because it was disguised by caring and once again I didn't see it.

 

I don't want to make out he's evil, he's not and i'm not perfect but he's just so stubborn and has the ability to make me feel like I'm wrong. It probably is just a clash of cultures, but I know he's adament that my 'old' life is not acceptable to him. And it's not like I want to go out clubbing and getting drunk, I'd just like to feel that he trusts me, and that I could go out on my own with my friends and know he'd wouldn't be angry at me after.

 

I'll think it over a bit, and maybe try to talk to him over the weekend. I don't want to play games with him or us. I just want to feel 'at home' when I'm home and feel relaxed when I'm with him.

I don't know, I've opened this up now in my soul, and I feel its going to erupt.

I'd love to take a break - but once again - it wouldn't be allowed!

[Beec]

I'd love to take a break - but once again - it wouldn't be allowed!

 

It wouldn't be allowed, only if you let him have control.

 

If you adopt the attitude that you are going to do it, and it doesn't matter what he thinks or says, and are calm while he rages, then you'd change the dynamic. But you need to be resovled to do so. If you are not full of resolve, then you risk losing the fight and it may take much time before you have the motivation to stand up and do it again. Resolve.

[Momene]

If any of your past relationships had been or stayed healthy, you'd still be in one of them!

[Velveteen]

I mentioned my concerns to him last night, needless to say it ended up the way I thought it would.

 

I was at the doctors yesterday as I am suffering from insomnia for the past while. Its been diagnosed to be from stress. Currently I have a few stressfull things going on in my life. Which includes the problems in my marriage.

 

 

I just said to my husband that its important for us to have complete full lives and that neither of us can look to each other to provide everything. That i need to be able to see my friends and that he has to trust me. When I had a bad day, or felt upset, he could listen to me. That sometimes maybe I needed to be comforted.

I can never talk to him if I've had a bad day, or if I feel down because his response is ... It's worse for me.

 

Well .. surprise.. He started talking about how he can't believe what I just said... do what you want... I'm glad we know where we stand now... and...

What do you think it's like here for me...](*,)

 

So it ended up with him calling his mother and telling her all about me and what I said, including what the doctor said, which I can't believe. He kissed me on my forehead saying I love you, and left to visit his friends and left me sitting and crying, and feeling guilty.

 

I had a long bath and took a sleeping tablet, when he came back a couple of hours later he came up to the bedroom and woke me up. (knowing I haven't had more than 4 hours sleep a night in over 2 weeks) He asked, does this mean we are over?. I couldn't answer him I just said, you left when we were talking and now I need to sleep.

 

Lovely wknd to look forward to.....

[Beec]

He left to go see his friends, why can't you do the same? Maybe because he would complain, and you let his complaining control you. You need to stop that. His approval should be something you consider, not something that is required for each and every one of your actions.