Husband has Herpes

[starlight]

Hi guys,

 

I'm new here. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I am 31 and he is 38 and we have two children. He told me before we had sex that he had herpes which he says he got from his ex who he was dating for 7 years. I was OK with it, but I'm now struggling with the fact that everytime we have sex, we need to use a condom. I really miss the spontaneity of sex just happening. I know that he's only trying to protect me so that I don't get it, but does anyone have any experience with this and how I can get around it.

 

Thanks in advance

[coollady1957]

Hello and Welcome to ENA.

 

If you want to stay protected against the herpes virus as much as possible , I don't see anyway to get around using condoms.

 

I can understand your frustrations about having to use them and that it may ruin the spontaneity.

 

Wish I could be of more help.

[melrich]

Likewise I cannot see any way around it. Have you researched the condition much? My limited understanding is that it is one STD that a condom does not provide great protection against anyway. Have you been tested for Herpes yourself?

[Hope75]

In order for you to stay protected, it's important that you use condoms every time you have intercourse. There are actually cases of people who contract herpes even when they do use condoms. This would be far more likely if your husband was having an active outbreak.

 

Does he take any antivirals to keep it in check?

 

Sex can still be spontaneous with condoms, even fun! There are flavored condoms, light up in the dark condoms, different textures... keep 'em hidden all around the house in case the mood strikes you when you're not in the bedroom!

[starlight]

Thanks guys,

 

He only takes antivirals occasionally when he gets an outbreak. This only happens every 3-4 years though. I can't remember the last time he had an outbreak.

 

I have trouble knowing that we can't experience the 'true' feeling of each other whenever we want.

[melrich]

And get tested Starlight. After so many years you may well find you have Herpes yourself. In a significant percentage of the population it does not present with any symptoms, that is there is no way you would know you had it.

[BornToResist]

Using a condom does not fully protect you from Herpes, although I do not recommend you stop. It does help, but you can contract it from any section of skin he has an outbreak on, like surrounding genital regions.

 

He can even have outbreaks without any symptoms so it's important that you always take precautions, even if he doesn't have any open lesions.

 

Even if you get tested for it, it might not show up in your bloodstream unless you have an outbreak. It's very tricky!

 

I think it's important that you realize that this is for your own good. There are more risks for a woman having this disease. You might be forced into a C-section if you ever give birth if you were to get this. It is much more uncomfortable for a woman. There still is no cure for it, although they are making much progress.

[n83]

It definitely sounds like a tough situation you're in, but it's really not worth it to go without condoms.. you're putting yourself at risk for a viral disease that can cause lots of other (major) health concerns..

You can have spontaneous intimacy without the need for condoms... random dates, cuddling, holding hands, etc... I know that's not sex but it's better than getting herpes

[Hope75]

 

I have trouble knowing that we can't experience the 'true' feeling of each other whenever we want.

 

Unfortunately that is one of the lifelong consequences of having an incurable sexually transmitted disease.

 

A thin layer of latex that is saving you from herpes is not preventing you from feeling your husband, that's all it is, a very thin sheath. And he can still use his fingers without a condom.

 

Melrich is right, it's a good idea to get tested. There's a chance you may have contracted it already- and then you can discuss your options re: protection with your doctor at that time.

[Scotcha]

I'm going to be the black sheep on this one...

 

Is having unprotected sex with your husband worth the risk of getting herpes?

 

It's a question only you can answer and personally I don't feel either answer is "wrong".

[annie24]

I don't think that's such a great idea - to have unprotected sex and risk getting the disease (if she doesn't have it already). the symptoms can be pretty painful! swollen groin, itching, burning. worse, she can pass the infection onto her baby if she has children. it is not fair to give a disease to a newborn baby. they deserve a fighting chance in the world.

 

herpes is not curable. get tested and protect yourself.

[supersun]

i believe there is a support group for people who don't have herpes who are in a relationship with someone who does have it. i bet you can find it doing an internet search. there you will likely find ideas on how to deal with this situation.

 

research the issue and ask your doctor about the risks of contracting the disease and the consequences of having it. although you can contract herpes even if your husband has an outbreak, see if you can find info on the percentages of time this happens. the risk could be minimal, and maybe you'll decide that it's worth it to you to take that occasional risk. in addition, i think herpes is one of the std's that tends to not lead to other health issues such as increased risk of cervical cancer - BUT check this out with your doctor first - as i am definitely not a doctor and could be wrong. you may find that the only risk is that you too will suffer the occasional outbreak, and again, it is up to you to decide whether you are willing to run the risk of contracting the disease to get some spontaneity. as for passing the infection onto unborn children, if i am correct i think you need to have an active outbreak while giving birth, and if you do, you can have a c-section which i think eliminates the risk - but again, research this - don't take my words as fact.

 

from all the previous responses, obviously my advice is in the minority here. what i am trying to say is that with some education you might find that occasionally running the risk of contracting the disease is worth it to experience the feelings you're looking for. also, i couldn't help but wonder if there are deeper issues here, and maybe the feeling of lack of spontaneity is masking something else.

 

before i get flamed for this post, i just want to point out that i am not intending to give facts here, but encouraging the original poster to find out as much as she can about the risks of contracting the disease, and the consequences of having the disease. that way she can make an informed decision as to whether it is worth it to her to risk contracting the disease in order to get the feelings she is looking for from her marriage.

 

best wishes, best heath, and good luck.

[annie24]

I also agree with going to a doctor and getting all the facts. (by the way, i am a microbiologist.)

 

As far as C-sections though, having an elective c-section increases the risk of the infant dying by 3x. it is a major abdominal surgery, not at all the simple thing that all the stars are doing.

[starlight]

Thanks for your comments and suggestions everyone. I really appreciate it. I have already had my children and I don't see us having anymore, although I'm only 31 and I could win the lotto tonight and be able to give up work, and have more.......

 

Anyway thanks again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I may put too much pressure on my husband if I bring this up with him, so I think I'll let it lye for a while.

[arwen]

Seeing that you already HAVE children with him, you will probably have had unprotected sex anyway. I don't know-- the risk of it spreading if he doesn't have an outbreak is considerably smaller but still there-- chances are that you already have it. That does not mean you necessarily have outbreaks. You can get tested, but herpes is difficult to test in the blood. In Holland they don't-- if you have an outbreak it's mostly clear that you have it, and they can take a smear from that.

 

I don't know, I think it's best to go to your doctor together and discuss it with him. I can imagine the whole spontaneity is 'gone' esp. if you are used to not having to wear a condom. But that's the thing-- if you didn't use it the first 7 years, why now? I think if he has an outbreak it's better to not have sex at all (isn't that painful for him anyway? I should imagine...).

 

Ilse

[peaches n cream]

Hi...I don't see any way around it. I was in the same boat..similar anyway...and took the risk and received herpes without the man having an outbreak at the time. So, I caught the virus when it was asymptomatic...ahhh...10 years later! I take herbs from the following site that prevents outbreaks (a step in the right direction)...often couples take the herbs...(both you and your husband would take them) and the virus doesn't get passed. They boost your immune system. The site is link removed good luck!