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hpsowce
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Well, I posted here yesterday and today about the fact my g/f of nearly 4 years had been on holiday and had returned minus her love for me... and only a month after we spent 2.5 months apart then got back together.

 

I phoned her tonight to get the full SP, is it over or not. I even wanted to tell her it was over, partly because I couldn't take not knowing what she wanted to do and partly (sadly) to scare her into saying she didn't want to lose me. But I didn't do this. Instead we talked for an hour and a half about how the relationship was over, how she loved me to death but not in a way that meant we could have a relationship together. And as we talked I got a glimpse through the cloud that is my fear of loneliness and saw that she was right. We couldn't continue the way we were, we were right to try again after the first breakup but it's equally right that we don't continue our relationship because we would both be hurt so much more in the long run.

 

I've surprised myself really, i actually feel OK about it. I put that down to the fact we actually got to talk and she gave me all the reasons she had for our relatonship not working out, and they were mostly centered about her having this desire to travel, work abroad and do all the things I couldn't do because I'm tied to my career and mortgage. I actually sympathised, you see there's an age gap between us, she was 17 when we met and I was 24, I'd spent the years 18-21 doing very stupid, very enjoyable things and she had never had that. There's more to this obviously, deep down I suppose I had doubts about our relationship working out but over the last couple of years I had developed pretty poor self-confidence and so I dared not think about losing this woman. I also know that if she truly loved me we could have worked through those problems, I know she doesn't LOVE me, but I know she wishes she still did because we do get on so well and I know she thereforeeee she cares a lot about me.

 

When she first left me I went through hell, I cried for days at a time, I lost a stone in a week, I felt like I wanted to die. I felt our relationship meant nothing to her and that she was going to go out and call me to my work colleagues (we work in the same department). Yet I had started to get through it before she came back. I felt better about my weight and self-image but I still felt this yawning gap where she had been.

 

So now I'm single again. I haven't cried yet but I'm sure I will, well, I think I will. I feel a little scared, I doubt I'll ever find love again. But perhaps vitally I'm not as cut up as I was the first time. We agreed what we would say to nosey work colleagues and how we would behave to each other should we bump into each other. She assured me I mean the world to her and that she would like to stay in touch, I told her I wasn't too sure about this but would reassess after a few weeks of NC. I told her I would take it as a personal insult if she didn't go off to work abroad after all and wound up dating some greasy hound, she asked me not to go out and pull some money grabbing tramp to make myself feel better, I reluctantly agreed.

 

So now I brace myself for some crashing dawning that the relationship is ACTUALLY over, I hope this is it, I hope I managed to grow enough within myself during the 2.5 months we spent apart for this to be as bad as I get, I guess we'll see.

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