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Destructive jealousy


newrosie
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Hi!!!

 

My relationship with my partner is a bit strange. He suffers from ocd, depression and agrophobia. The relationship is at its end but i cannot leave him, i love him and really want to try to make this relationship going since we have a baby that he loves to bits.

 

I have always been jealous. but my destructive jealousy intervenes when i am stressed. My partner spends all his time on bdsm sites and on porn sites. He is chatting to a woman on it and of course i do not have a clue of what they are telling each other. He does not even want me to know his email address. He keeps talking to me about her and his ex and they are so great and i am so much the opposite!!!!! I told him i did not like it and he told me he would not want to go with htis woman because her personality would not suit him and she was too far. that did upset me a lot because i was expecting i am not going to go off with this woman because i love you and it is just based on a friendly relationship. So here i am with all my mad thoughts and scenarios coming to my head. I work all day and am not at home from 7:50 my am till 6 pm, loads of time to talk to people or having them round the house without me knowing. I go on the site he goes to and try to see more details about that woman and yes she is good looking and she must be very exciting sex wise.....

 

I am fat. I have not lost my baby weight after my pregnancy and my belly has not gone smaller either. I admit it that when i look in the mirror, i am not seeing a pretty sight whatsoever. But he never pays me any attention. nothing i do is good enough. As he told me last night, it is not fair he is putting me up against that woman because she suffers from manic depression and manic people often are very passionate about things when they are in their manic period. He tells me she finds him handsome... But if i talk about one bloke it is a big no no.

 

I use to look on his pc for clues but he just went mad on security and i cannot even go near his room he is so afraid i am going to discover his darkest secrets. I would look for things until i could feel sick.

 

i hate this jealousy. i am trying hard to pretend i do not care but as soon as he mentions her name, i am boiling inside and want to cry. I also knows he does it on purpose to wind me up. I wish he could leave me but when it is close from breaking up i do not want to.

 

Am i mad?

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Blimey.

 

Where to start?

 

"the relationship is at an end, but i can not leave him"

That is complete balderdash. You can do anything you want. If you want to leave - leave. He is making you unhappy, he is fuelling your jealousy.

 

"since we have a baby that he loves to bits"

it will be much better to have a 'happy' mummy then a upset, emotional mummy. How can any man treat the mother of his child like this? madness. complete madness.

 

"He keeps talking to me about her and his ex and they are so great and i am so much the opposite!!!!! "No man should ever compare you to an ex - or anyone else. you are you, he should love you. not be thinking about any kind of fantasy woman (and i would guess this is what this woman he is talking about is) nor his ex.

 

"I go on the site he goes to and try to see more details about that woman and yes she is good looking and she must be very exciting sex wise....."

And why wouldn't you be????????????????

 

"I am fat. I have not lost my baby weight after my pregnancy and my belly has not gone smaller either"I was not surpsrised to hear you say that. It sadens me enormously that you are beating yourself up after pregnancy. You are in a awful situation at the moment where you feel unloved, and unattractive. It is no wonder you don't like yourself very much. You need to work on YOU.

 

"But if i talk about one bloke it is a big no no."

He is totally insecure would be my guessing.

 

" cannot even go near his room he is so afraid i am going to discover his darkest secrets"

You are married. He shouldn't have dark secrets. FACT. what do you mean by 'his room'????

 

"I also knows he does it on purpose to wind me up"

he is cruel as well as selfish. Playing on someone else's insecurities is a nasty thing to do.

 

"I wish he could leave me but when it is close from breaking up i do not want to."why would he leave you? He has his cake.....You are scared of him going because of the self esteem issues you have. GET OuT...RUN FOR THE HILL. I don't think you'll regret it.

 

"Are you mad?"Hell no. If you stay, and let him continue to abuse you like this - you are mad.

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What SHE said!!!!!!

 

And please, when you leave this relationship, fix you so that next time you'll stop this kind of insanity in its tracks sooner... My guess is the signs were always there, even before your baby came along. You just didn't see them. Love is blind and deaf and dumb... But it doesn't HAVE to be. Learn from this.

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Hey folks,

You need to consider that having a child with someone is a pretty powerful incentive to stay with them. I'm not saying she should, but try to keep that in your heads when you respond. Most people can go around throwing "leave him!" in your face but ultimately there is a lot at stake and ignoring that fact doesn't help any.

 

That being said, he does sound rather ... uncaring I guess? I'm getting that from the fact that he logistically analyzed why he shouldn't be with this woman. Does he ever tell you he loves you? Do you think he would be willing to attend counseling with you?

 

Either way, what he is doing is completely inappropriate. You have to set some boundaries as to what you can and will not put up with, and make them clear to him that he is risking losing you and the baby if he continues down this path. If he cares about you, he will at least be willing to seek help. Don't throw ultimatums at him (ie. "I'm going to leave you if you don't stop talking to her") unless you are really ready to up and leave.

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Hello,

Sparkle did great job pointing things out. It might be hard to read, but these things point to a person who does not treat you in a loving way AT ALL. It will be hard, but it will feel better to you to do this-- You should take ownership of your feelings and sever this relationship. Tell him that his behavior is not acceptable and that you are not going to allow this in your life.

For the record, you are not being overly jealous. You are responding to his terrible behavior.

Just remember that you deserve to be treated just as well as anyone else in a relationship. He is not treating you well, so it is up to you to end his abuse. You cannot control him, but you can control your behavior. That means you can walk away from this bad situation with your head up.

Good luck

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are you supporting this guy financially? it just seems like this guy is taking advantage of you in so many ways. i think you need to look at this from a third person perspective. what kind of advice would you give a friend in the same situation?

 

this guy needs to grow up, get a job, and stop being a emotional/financial drain on you. as difficult as it is to bring change to your life, you need this badly to raise your self-confidence. what he's doing is blatantly wrong and it's perfectly normal to be jealous/pissed at how he's treating you.

 

think about where you want to be 10 yrs from now (none of us are getting younger... maybe in our hearts, but not our lives do you think you'll still be happy where you are? i think you know the answer to this...

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I read on your other post that he has threatened to kill you if you leave with the baby, just because of this reason alone, I recommend you leave him immediately.

This man needs help, he is blackmailing you and using threats and could quite possibly be a serious threat to you and your child if you stay. Do not take threats of murder lightly, no man in his right mind would say such things to the woman he loves. He needs help.

 

You are not responsible for a grown adult, he is quite capable of seeking help for all his problems, but appears not bothered because you do all the work, provide the money for food and bills, you let him do what he likes, you let him walk all over you and if you stay NOTHING will change.

 

It's time to take control of your and your baby's life. For the sake of your child and your sanity MOVE OUT.

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