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how to know if my ex is just being friendly?


usababe
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This is driving me crazy, I need to know if he's trying to open up the lines of communication or if he's just being friendly. After months of NC suddenly he's been e-mailing me.

I need to know what's going through his head, can I just ask him? I'm scared he'll say - obviously we broke up so I thought we were just friends And I'm scared to completely lose him from my life but I think I'll go crazy if I don't just find out what's going on with him.

The thing is the last time he initiated contact with me he said he'd been thinking about me alot and thought he made a mistake but was still confused, other than that we've been in NC the whole time.

I think he may have some commitment issues (he's 25 and I was his first gf) and maybe be trying to fight the feelings he has for me.

What should I do? please don't tell me to ignore him because I can't, we never fell out and I'd love to try again with him I just don't know if I should say anything or not.

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If you're sure you can handle breaking n.c then do it. But you have to think of the consequences of him potentially turning round and saying "i just wanted to be friends"...will it take you back to a place you've been before?

 

Just look out for you in this situation.

 

Email him back...be friendly...see what happens? I don't think you should go all guns blazing "do you want to try again coz you're in contact"..

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i think it's very fair to ask him his intentions in a way that isn't "guns blazing," crazy-woman stuff. in your next email you can make some light jokes or whatever, and then say, "so, why exactly have you been getting in touch with me lately, stranger?" it can come off as sort of flirtatious and you won't seem demanding. there's no reason he should be shy about what he wants.

 

i don't think it's uncommon of dumpers to get in touch a few months after a breakup because they think enough time has passed that you can be "friends" now. that was the case with my ex. he seemed to think it was totally normal to pop in saying and doing all sorts of things that were hugely misinterpreted on my part...and believe you me, everyone who heard the things he'd been telling me totally thought he wanted me back. he said he wanted to be my friend only after i asked him to be straight with me, and when i told him i was angry that he wasn't clear about his intentions, he pulled the "who, me? what do you mean?" pouty act. so watch out...

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I'm so confused I've no idea what to do, I suppose I'm better off just letting it up to him because If he's gonna say something he'll say it.

It's making me really sad because I really wanna talk to him but I've absolutely nothing to say to him after all this time being apart.

He initiated contact three days ago and I don't know if he's waiting for me to get intouch with him now or if I should just leave it.

I hate this, it's making me miserable.

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He initiated contact three days ago and I don't know if he's waiting for me to get intouch with him now or if I should just leave it.

 

Ugh. This shouldn't be as if you're negotiating a cold war treaty. I wouldn't spend time looking for hidden meanings etc. You can consider "the lines of communication open."

 

Where will it go? Who knows - might not go beyond friendship, maybe the communication will cease, maybe you'll get back together. There is no way of knowing, but at least if you keep commuicating you can let one of those three options evolve naturally w/o making a one sided decision.

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didn't the cold war end when henderson slid the puck past tretiak?

 

my take on what you have posted is this: when someone is cracking jokes about previous hard times or thangs like that that means they are over the hump and have moved on. and not only have they accepted that the past is over and just the past but they have no desire to start things up again. it has been my experience that whenever i hear someone talk about things that way, they are only trying to break the ice and let you know that whatever was, is no longer and that everything is kewl. they are just being themself and friendly. nothing more. its really not that complicated.

 

and in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you gave.

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I know what you mean and I realise I'm probably over thinking this but I'm scared by doing nothing I'm not exactly helping with keeping those "lines" open. So do I wait for him to say something now or should I try to make the communication more free flowing and initiate a conversation with him?

The problem is I can't think of one thing to say to him.

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To be honest, I'm confused as to whether you only want friendship with this guy or you want something more.

 

1) If you only want friendship, but are worried that he wants more, then I would suggest sending an e-mail that makes that clear in a non-abrasive manner. Something like "I'm glad we can be friends blah blah blah"

 

2) If you want to get back together, but you're not sure what he wants, then that's more difficult. It really depends. Ultimately, you'll only find out thru communication and you may not get that answer for awhile. Go in "guns blazing," so to speak, and you may get a defensive response rather than an honest one.

 

The thing is, if you really have nothing to say, then why are you worried about communicating? Seems like you have no desire to.

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I'm crazy about this guy and I would love to get back with him, we broke up cos he said he was unsure if he wanted a relationship. Then the only other time he initiated contact with me was him saying he had made a mistake but was still confused, he tried to kiss me but i said I couldn't until he decided what he wanted and we haven't spoken since.

 

That's why this new found communication is confusing me. It's not that I don't wanna talk to him it's that i literally can't think of anything to say because I don't know what's going on in his life at the moment.

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That's why this new found communication is confusing me. It's not that I don't wanna talk to him it's that i literally can't think of anything to say because I don't know what's going on in his life at the moment.

 

In that case, just open up a friendly dialogue. Standard small talk touched with the familiar since you know each other already. Movies, books, museums, school, work, school, etc. NO pressure. Don't try to be crafty, just talk. With enough comfort, honest answers will come.

 

I'm in a similar boat. It's been 8 months of limited contact & long stretches of no-contact. Heck, I even did the "try to kiss her when drunk just to be told no" thing - figured she'd never talk to me again after that.

 

As of now, we're talking again. A few messages here & there. Not a daily convo like it used to be, but atleast we're staying in touch. Ultimately, it may be nothing more then a friendship, but I won't squander the opportunity to keep communicating with her if she's willing to reciprocate.

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Trident... are you sure you're not by ex boyfriend lol! It's been about 8 months for me too and when he tried to kiss me he was drunk hah!I suppose I'll just have to wait and see if he initiates more contact if not I'll send him a text. I just keep thinking why bother if he doesn't want to be with me, yet since he contacted me I can't stop thinking about him.

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Funny. If that were only true, then I'd know we both want to be back together.

 

I've considered the "why bother" line of logic often. I've tried to put myself in their position. If there was a girl that I no longer had feelings for, then would I make the effort to go out of my way to contact her? My answer would be no & thereforeeee logic dictates that "something more" is going on. But on the other hand, there is no logic to matters of the heart.

 

Dunno what to say. Life flows, who knows where it will take you.

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But on the other hand, there is no logic to matters of the heart.

 

Trident, well said.

 

Hey, if I have learned one thing, it is that both sides have to feel something. My ex calls me like we are best buds (only when she wants to) and I still have feelings. It messes me up everytime I go home.

 

Be careful.

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Be careful.

 

Very True.

 

But on the other hand, there is also the old cliche of "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." You can play it safely and close doors and move on. You can risk it all and put all your efforts into something that may ultimately bankrupt you. You can try to figure out something in the middle.

 

Life, it seems, is all about navigating that "middle" part.

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