I am really confused.

[admiralforever]

Ok, I was trying to get this girl for about a month and a half. I did not know she had a boyfriend at the time. But she ended up getting together with me and she was all crazy about me, even her friend says she had never seen her act like that before. She dumped her boyfriend. So we got together and everything was great. But last week she said she just needed some time for herself, witch I understand so I left her alone for a couple of days. Than the next time I get to talk to her she says that this is not the kind of relationship she wants, that she needed some time to figure out what she wants. Basically she said I was too nice to her and she was not used to that. So we broke up on friday. Monday night her friend who is also her roomate calls me and she tells me that she is back with her ex. She finds out and we start talking on the phone she says that she did not want to tell me she was back together wit her ex. She got back together with him on sunday night. I really care for this girl and would like to be with her. But I don't know what else to do. I haven't tried to contact her since monday the last day we talked. I am pretty much certain that nothing is going to happen. So I am just trying to move on at the moment.

 

 

Now I Know she knows I care for her, I am just wondering Why she did not want me to find out that she was back with her ex.

[southerngirl]

Let her go. Don't bother with her anymore.

 

She cheated on her boyfriend with you. She is a liar and a cheat. You know what she is capable of. How could you trust her should you and her even get together?

 

Also, shes made her feelings obvious by going back to him. Now its time for you to work on letting it all go and moving on. Good Luck.

[admiralforever]

Actually she did not cheat on her boyfriend. They separated before we got together. For some reason I am thinking she is going to change her mind and comeback to me.

[RescueDiver]

Basically she said I was too nice to her and she was not used to that.

 

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that line. Okay, first off I'm a little confused as to whether she was still dating her boyfriend or not. At first you said she broke up with him for you, and then said they were separated... which is it?

 

The whole "you're too nice a guy" thing gets really really confusing (and extremely annoying). Now, while I've never claimed to 100% understand women I have experienced that let down many many many times. The reasons a woman will say that can vary and it may be for a number of reasons. One is that you are a nice person and she just doesn't want to hurt you. Something about the relationship either just wasn't right (even though there may have been a lot right), something she isn't able to articulate (which sometimes happens). Also, sometimes people will go to what's familiar. Even if they have a lot of problems in a relationship sometimes that is more comforting because it's something they understand (because they've been through it). Whereas with the new person, no matter how nice and wonderful it is, there is always that unknown. She has likely been through some rough times with this other guy and she knows how he reacts when things aren't all peachy and wonderful. Unfortunately with you, she doesn't know and often the fear of the unknown is just overpowering for some people. They'd rather be in a crappy relationship they understand, than in a wonderful relationship that's unpredictable.

 

Another reason is that some women do get scared when they are treated the way they all say they want to be treated. The possibility that the treatment won't last, that it's a sham, that they can't live up to (or return) that level of treatment are all possible explanations for that fear. How does any of this help you? Well, it doesn't really.

 

I think the best thing to do is do what you can to move on. I have fallen pretty hard and pretty fast for some women and it really sucks when it looks like things are about to take off and then suddenly everything crashes.

 

Let me share a story about a gal I met before I met my current wife. I met a wonderful lady on link removed last summer. Her name was Melissa. Anyway, Melissa lived, actually quite a ways away from me... the Green Bay area if I remember right (being that I lived in Madison that's a good 2+ hours away). I don't know what it is with me and long-distance relationships but that's always the way it seems to go with me. So Melissa and I bat a few e-mails back and forth and then start talking on Instant Messenger one night. A conversation that lasted five whole hours (well into the wee hours of the morning). Anyway, she said she would be in Madison on business and we made plans to have dinner. She had a business engagement after dinner (she was a Passion party consultant) and said that after that we might be able to meet up if she wasn't too tired. We met up, and she is just absolutely gorgeous (a ten), we had shared pictures but in person... wow. Anyway, we had a great time at dinner even though I was rather nervous. Afterward I asked her if I had passed the "drive-by" test (which we had joked about over IM) and she said that I had. I then asked if she'd like to go out again and she said that was a definite possibility which we could plan later. Anyway, she called me after the party and told me that she was going to stay with a friend in Milwaukee and that she'd already decided this prior to meeting me so I shouldn't take it as that I had done anything wrong. Basically if she was to stay in madison she'd have to stay with me and she wasn't sure that was the start she wanted. (Been in those situations before and they always seem to get messy). Basically Melissa seemed to be as much into me as I was into her. I'd say that she and my wife are actually a lot alike. Into the same things, able to finish each other's sentences (yes even this early), etc... Melissa told me more than once that she felt very comfortable around me and felt like she'd known me for years when we talked (on the phone and on IM). We often talked on the phone late into the night and we more than once talked about wanting me to see her apartment. Well, to make a long story short, we went out on another date (breakfast this time). She had been in Madison for a wedding reception the previous night. Well breakfast went well so on the way home I asked her if she'd like to go out again and she seemed reluctant... saying that she'd only been out of her last relationship three months. I was like... Well, we have a lot in common, do you see this going anywhere (meaning her and I of course)? Melissa said she didn't really know. She said she was still "researching" meaning she had only gone out with me from link removed and really had nothing to compare me to. Not that I'd done a bad job or anything or that I was a bad guy. So we hugged and said our goodbyes and said I'd talk to her later.

 

So, a week goes by without her returning any phone calls, IMs, E-mails, etc... she'd never once mentioned that she didn't want to talk any more so there I am thinking I really screwed up. So, a week or so later I finally get an E-mail from Melissa with an explanation. Basically she said thatshe really wasn’t ready to go any further towards a relationship with me. She also said she felt crowded and needed a break (that it was nothing personal and just needed a break and some space to figure things out). She reiterated what she’d told me over messenger about being in a “research” phase (basically just seeing what’s out there) and that she really didn’t have the capacity for anything more right now. She thanked me for “everything” and said I had been really great for her and that she’d needed it. She said she was sure we would chat again soon, but just to give her space. Which I did. I never did end up hearing from Melissa again. I was crushed, and still wonder what if, but I just chalk it up to that she must not have been just right for me. Even though Melissa and I never really made it into a relationship I was falling for her and I was very very disappointed that I never got the chance to make more out of it.

 

I guess what I'm saying, is do your best to move on and not dwell on this gal. You never know what might be right around the corner. I met my current wife barely a month after this setback so hang in there.

[admiralforever]

they were separated when we got together. Also she did say the same thing as Melissa that she felt like she has known me forever.

[RescueDiver]

Well, I guess my advice would be to keep the lines of communication open, don't pester her, but don't necessarily ignore her either. Also, I'd avoid trying to do anything on the order of "just friends" because you don't want her to have the advantage of having her other relationship and being able to enjoy your company too.

 

There are a couple of possibilities... either she and this other guy were just having a really bad fight and you were a nice change of pace for her (I know it hurts to think that but it's a possibility), or she is simply confused and has run back to that which she understands. If the two of you have a genuine connection... chances are she will begin to miss your company. But, it's hard to say whether or not that is the case. All you can do for now is wait and try to heal. Give her some time and see what happens. In the mean time, try to get out and have fun, meet some new people, etc... (the usual breakup advice). Talking to her friend about what happened might be a tempting way to find out what really happened, but you have to be VERY careful about that because she may resent you nosing around like that. To reference another failed relationship from my past I dated a girl named Jamie many years ago (about 7 now). Anyway, we went out for about two weeks and then she dumped me and went back to her ex. Her friend (Amanda) and I were acquainted and actually she was the one that gave us the nudge to start dating. Anyway, I asked Amanda what had happened, if I had done anything wrong and she said that I hadn't, just that Jamie felt more comfortable just being friends with me. It was that simple. It didn't make me feel any better, but at least I knew what the truth was. I don't even remember what reason Jamie gave me, but I think it was another one of those "you're too good for me" let downs. A few weeks later at Amanda's birthday party Amanda introduced me to another one of her friends, a young lady by the name of Marissa. That's quite another story though (a long bittersweet one at that). But two years after we met (almost to the day) Marissa and I ended up dating. So once again, try not to lose all hope, someone even better might be just around the corner. Hang in there and see what happens. By the way, I was your age when the story I just told you (about Jamie) happened.

[admiralforever]

That is what I am doing, I haven't tried to contact her. But if she contacts me I will answer. I am not trying to get stuck in the friends zone. I know she has feelings for me because even before we got together. We bumped into each other at the club and I was dancing with another girl. She told me she was jealous and that night she went up to me and asked me why I was ignoring her. But I wasn't I was just out to have a good time with my friends. When we actually got together her friend pointed out that she had never seen act like that over a guy. Apparently she could not stop talking about me. I am thinking I never gave her a chance to miss me. But it never hurts to hope. But I am also am trying to move on. Her friend is also my friend, she actually wants us to be together because she says I am the best thing that has happened to her.