that knot in your belly

[code333]

hey everyone,

 

Its 3:20am and i keep staring at my phone hoping that he'll call. The odd thing is, I broke up with him. We dated for 2 years and had many many downs as well as ups.

 

I broke up with in a very, i guess you could say cold manner. We didnt have a blow out or anything. I simple said in the morning before he left for work that it was over and i couldnt take it anymore. He didnt believe that i was serious, he kissed me on the check and left. I didnt answer his phone calls for a week after (which were only about 5)... I was fine, he didnt even cross my mind, i had a lot going on, with my wisdom teeth being pulled, looking for a new apartment and starting my last year of school. I thought i was over him. Then it hit me. I felt that knot. That sick feeling in your gut. when u miss someone or love someone and feel you made a mistake and that they're gone forever. I tried to call him a BUNCH of times. He picked up once and was short and rude, said he was busy at work... than he refused to answer my calls after that. Today i caved and called again, left a message crying - reminding him of how we said we'd be friends, best friends no matter what. So i got a phone call back. FINALLY. but i was in class and couldnt answer it. I tried calling back a couple hours later and he didnt pick up. I called later on too, but again nothing.

I dont know what to do, i feel so helpless. I dont even know if i want him back... is it possible that this is all my ego? or is it love? will he call me? what will i say? what will he say? im so hurt and upset. and stressed out because i have a major essay to write and all i can do is think about him. this is not right... i feel weak and hopeless....

 

thanks for listening

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA code333! Great to have you around here...

 

Well, this is quite the loaded post for sure. Let's start chipping away at this here.

 

First off, could you explain the reasons and circumstances surrounding the break-up?

 

What hit you was the reality of the situation. In every break up I've had, there has been a period immediately after of elation, feeling free, feeling good. Then, as you say, it hit me and I felt like death.

 

Now, this is a traumatic experience and such an experience causes an emotional crisis situation. In this crisis, we tend to look for safety devices to hold onto, whether it be our busy schedule, our friends, family, even...the other person...think about that...are you seeking a reconciliation because what was happening in the relationship was easier than what you are facing now???

 

Now, you say you "don't know" if you want him back. Before you say anything to him, you need to answer this question. More uncertainty and confusion in this situation is only going to make it worse. So you need to really look inside and answer this...

 

When you are reflecting, think back to the reasons you broke up. Think back to the relationship, the good and the bad. Think, think, think. There must have been a very compelling series of events or event that inspired you so much to end this. Don't forget that reason or the motivation it gave you to end this. It's very easy to look back on things in your time of crisis and fabricate a situation where everything was "good", or worse yet..."not that bad"...

 

So while you are figuring yourself out, do not contact him. Get yourself figured out and then if you still have a desire to contact him to start a new relationship together...and the reasons causing the break up can be worked on and you are willing to do so...then contact him...if you hear nothing back from him at this point...take that as a negative answer and use this to generate your closure...

 

And what was said about "always friends"...that's a fairy tale... The reality is this is a time of crisis and if any good, true, friendship is to come of this, there needs to be lots of distance to sort everything out and let the feelings get organized. Think of it as "putting the friendship on hold indefinitely"...and this is something 2 true friends would do for each other realizing it needs to be done as a means to a greater end of understanding...

 

Right now, you've got to figure out what you want in your head and then go from there...

[Goldfish6888]

Don't feel hopeless honestly - the fog of your break up will clear. Take this from someone who was through this only 4 months ago.

 

At the moment, You are experiencing the gamut of emotions ALL at once - break-ups sometimes make it really hard to know what we are feeling. One minute we are happy, and an hour later, we are crying because some song comes on the radio, that brings us back to a happier time with our ex. Then two hours later, the anger can surface. Its tough, I know,

 

There obviously was a good reason why you broke up. Friscodj is right, you did this for a reason. There is no easy way to do a break-up so whether this was done in a cold manner or whatever is immaterial. I actually don't know many exes who I've remained friends with. These promises of "friends forever" usually cannot survive in the cold light of a break up. My ex has been trying to be friends with me again, but somehow I just feel, how can I forgive and forget?

 

I know its the christian thing to do - that it takes more guts to do this, but somehow I find even 4 months later, there still is a little wound there that only gets salt on it, when he tries to contact me.

 

Relationships, break-ups, all happen for a reason. Our life experience is about growing, learning. You can't see this reason at the moment, because the break up is too new. But eventually the reason will come to light.

 

Be easy on yourself! Take the advice Friscodj gives aswell as pamper yourself. To stop that feeling of helplessness do something you haven't done in while (even if you feel powerless to move and want to just sit there). Call a friend you haven't been in contact with for while. This is when you are at your most tender, so you need that extra tlc.

 

You need to create a little calm and space (in your head and heart) for yourself so you can write that essay.

 

I hope you feel better today...And post here if you feel helpless or panicked..about it

[Hope75]

Frisco is right-

 

There was a reason that you broke up- what was it?

 

Even if you know he may not be the right guy for you, it doesn't mean that it won't be hard or that you won't miss him and grieve for the relationship. You were with him for two years, I would be more surprised if you went on your merry way without having any type of reaction or grieving, than what is happening with your feelings now.