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Get out now, or ride a poententially sinking ship?


itsthatguy
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Been going out with this girl for nearly a year, known her for a year plus a couple months. Our relationship has been great so far, I went to Europe for a month and a half with her, I feel like she's my best friend, totally comfortable around her, and feel in love. We're both in college, second year, although I changed courses totally and am doing a first year courseload. She's in second year, plus retaking a course she failed from her first year. She owed me about $1000 from our trip, she's paid back most of it but still owes me about 250 bucks, since she wasn't working when she got back to school and needed the money to pay for her course. She has a job where it's not a set schedule, she can just show up and work for a couple hours anywhere she has time and it's no problem. We're splitting the cost of birth control, and this week she was nagging me that I need to get back to work so I can resume paying her for half of it, while now with her extra course she's told me flat out she has no intentions of going back to work atleast until first semester is over in January.

 

Stuff was great when we got back, but it feels like it's slowly spiraling. I havn't seen her in a week, talked to her for the first time today (other than online for a few brief messages) in 4 or 5 days. We had plans to go out for dinner tonight or tomorrow but she told me she's doing nothing but studying for a while, even though she went out on Monday for dinner and drinks with a bunch of people in her class. On Saturday I was supposed to go to a family function of hers, I knew she was a little bit uncomfortable with me going but she never said she didn't want me to not be there. Now at the very last minute after I've taken time to prepare food for this event she tells me she doesn't want me to come, and blows up in my face about it. My one big problem with her is she's a yes person. She can't say no to anybody or tell anyone anything harsh, because she's scared of hurting them. She'll triple make plans for a friday night because she doesn't want to disapoint anyone, only to end up running around all night and not enjoying some time off herself. Irritating to me because a lot of times I get dragged around by her. I just get this unshakable feeling that we're going in different directions right now; she wants to be independent and do her own thing, while I still (at the time) feel very much in love with her. A few weeks ago she told me (while drunk) that she wasn't sure if she still felt that same "spark" when we get together like she did before. She later told me sober that she was just having gittery feelings because she was overwhelmed about school, and that she still loves me and feels the same way about me. That's all good and fine, but I know from my personal experiences that while people tend to overstate their own prowess when they're drunk, they also tend to spit out heartfelt words that are pretty hard to do while sober. We have a pretty thick case history of this; she told me she liked me at first while drunk, she pounced me and we started making out while she was drunk, and she first told me she loved me when she was drunk. I don't know what to do, I still want to be with her if she feels for me like I do for her, but if she's falling out of love or feels like she can spend her time better with other people, I don't want to cling onto something that isn't going to be there for me.

 

So my question, should I break this off now amicably, and let there potentially be a chance to remain friends with her, or should I stick with it, and keep giving her my time and making plans with her only to have her fall through if she really doesn't want to be with me, but just can't get the courage to work it out of her? When that happens it usually ends up being a huge fight and you never want to talk to the person again. On the other hand, I just keep thinking what if she really is just stressed out, and things will sway back to normal in a little while? She even told me today not to catch the bus at the same time as her because I'll just distract her from studying, and that we're not going to be able to spend any quality time together until probably Xmas. Bugs me a bit because I'm in a program that is way, way tougher than her program is and I still have time to spend with my friends, etc, and she totally blew off the plans I had made for our one year anniversary. She even brought up "I think you feel this relationship is more serious than it really is" when she was talking about why she didn't want me to come to her family thing this weekend. Crap, I'm just so confused. I've had a few girlfriends before, and even one that lasted longer than this relationship, but I've never told any of my other girlfriends that I loved them before, because I didn't mean it.

 

Sorry guys, that was really poorly organised and really long, but I felt like I needed to get this * * * * off my chest, and I don't have anyone that I would want to talk to in person about this. I'd feel like a complete tool if I talked to any of my guy friends about this and ended up crying, and all my female friends are gossipy, so I'm more just mulling this over right now.

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I've held on to a relationship that I knew was ending and I think I wound up hurting even more. I just couldn't let go so I clung on. When he finally ended things I was devastated. Believe me, I had tried to end things but I wasn't strong enough. I just waited for him to do it with this terrible knot growing in my stomach for weeks. It was awful.

 

I believe that you know best about where these signs are pointing to. You are the only one here who knows your girlfriend.

 

I will tell you what I wish I had done when I was in your situation. I wish I had been strong and ended things myself.

 

But that is so hard to do even when you can see it coming. And there is always the chance that you are in fact wrong..

 

Why not sit down with her and have a serious conversation? Tell her what you have been noticing in your relationship. Don't accuse her but simply state what you've seen and how you feel about it. Ask her if she does indeed wish to break up. Give her the chance to tell you how she really feels.

 

I think if you do that you will find out for sure where your relationship is going AND you will maintain your dignity.

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The serious talk thing doesn't work in this situation, I was only on this site because of the situation I'm in, and I found this post, where it's almost like a mirror image.

 

Basically for me, she does things that upset me, and when I confront her about them, she says that she's too busy with school, and that we'll talk later, of course we never ever bring it up again, and the more I try, to more she acts like I'm victimizing her, and just blows up in my face.

 

There's this one guy she knows I don't like her hanging aroudn with, she's the same with me and a lot of women, but since it's a mutual feeling there was never any problems with it. But either way, she had him come over recently, and refused to tell me what she was doing, when I asked why she couldn't talk, she just said "I'm busy", eventually "I'm busy" became "I'm just talking to someone, I'll only be a minute" after two hours, she finally told me that, that guy was over which, I know isn't cheating, her roommate and her other friend were there too, but she knows how much I don't like that guy, and she knows if the roles were reversed, she'd be even more upset with me. Either way, back to the original point, I asked how she could do that do me? and she said that she's really tired, and has to go to bed, cause she has class early tomorrow. And I'm like can you just answer me, and she's like no we'll talk about it tomorrow, so I just bit my tongue and said ok.

 

The next day she I woke up and asked her about it again, she said she's busy studying and doesn't want to talk about it right now. I said when can you talk about it? and she said "Not now, I have to go to class, and thanks to you I didn't get to do my homework". THAT really upset me, because she spent 2 hours with that guy last night, 5 minutes with me last night, and 2 minutes with me that morning, and she's making it seem like it's my fault.

 

the next day, I tried telling her, what she said, and how it made me feel, and she just said "why do't you just drop this already, it was 3 days ago, I've got studying to do, I don't have time to argue with you".

 

It just seems like they feel no guilt for anything they do, because they have school as an excuse for anything they say or do to you. I'm currently still in this situation, and I don't know how to get out of it, if I leave her alone, she'll continue on as if nothing happened, and if I make her mad, she'll just avoid me. I literally cannot plead any case against her, cause then she turns it around on how I'm taking up her time. Yet she still goes out all the time?

 

given this isn't the same exact situation, but the replacement of guilt with the excuse of school, is the same.

 

For the record, before college she wasn't like this at all and we've been dating well over a year now.

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