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Question for all on dating.?


southerngirl
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Okay there is another current thread and I dont want to hijack it anymore.. So asking for input here from the masses...

 

Ladies.

 

You are interested in a man/boy/guy and start dating them.

 

Do you pay for the date? At which point do you start to pay for the dates?

 

Do you do the inviting? If so, would payment of the bill change?

 

Men

 

Same question. Your interested in a girl/lady/woman and start dating them.

 

Do you pay for the date? At which point would you want her to start paying for the dates?

 

What if she invited you? Would that change things?

 

 

When I was a girl my dad's rules:

 

A boy does the inviting, not the lady.

A boy picks up his date at their house in a respectful way.

He opens the door to the car.

By the time he reaches his own door she should lean over and unlock/open his door for him.

She should have the local cab companys phone number memorized ( I did or I couldnt go out)

She should have money to pay for the phone call/ and or cab fair.

If he is out of line she should take a cab home and never date him again.

If he loses 'points' for the above he doesnt get another date.

*** grandmother said 'when you sit down to a movie with a boy place a quarter in between your knees. If the quarter falls out at anytime, go to a payphone and use the quarter to call a cab to come home'*** I never did that but that woulda kept my legs closed!!

 

(just sharing with you a bit on dating when I was a girl)

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I will always pay for the dates at the beginning unless she offers. I don't make a lot of money so if we're really into each other after a few months I would ask her if she wouldn't mind helping me out a little bit. If we become exclusive then in theory I think we should share expenses but I still have a tendency to pay for things because it's one of the ways that I like to show I care.

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If the boy invites, the boy pays... if the girl invites, the boy may offer to pay, but not be under any obligation.

 

However, i think a lot of it depends on how much money the people have at their disposal. If some guy with little money asks to go out to a park for a picnic... great.. he should have all the munchies. Then, if she turns around and asks to be taken to a fancy restaurant I don't think he should be expected to pay.

 

I don't believe too highly in the opening car doors things... but, that's just me. There are many different ways to be gentlemanly and, just because someone doesn't do a particular thing a certain way, I don't think I would slight them.

 

I have only met one girl that would unlock the door for me if I opend the door to let her in the car first.

 

My dad told me that when they sat next to a girl, they were to keep a bible between them... I think things have changed a bit and, if equality is what people want, then acting equally should be pursued.

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On the car door thing, I always do this and I don't expect her to do anything back. I also open the door when entering an establishment and pull out her chair for her at the table as well as ask her if she would like me to place our orders. I makes me feel good to do these things for the woman in my life. It's a small but effective way to show her that I care.

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I am very much I, the guy, pays first. Even when she asked me or asked me to ask her, I paid. I think the rest depends, on both people's expectations and means. However, love is a deal, a bargain. If all the woman does is receive and not give, she soon will be without me. What she does, what she gives depends on what she can give. If she has no money, some effort would be nice. Cannot pick up the tab once in a while, then cook for me. You can cook cheap. If I buy dinner, pick up the movie tickets.

 

I cannot say there is a set dividing line, but I dated one woman who never paid for anything for the first few months, and yes, that soured things afterward. She mentioned that she wanted to go to dinner, and then went with no money. I also never heard the word "thank you." So, I think you need to keep that in mind. Balance out some of the effort and costs, and say thanks.

 

The cab number is good, but after a few dates, you should be able to trust him a little mroe than needing that. If you cannot trust him, dump him.

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Okay there is another current thread and I dont want to hijack it anymore.. So asking for input here from the masses...

 

Ladies.

 

You are interested in a man/boy/guy and start dating them.

 

Do you pay for the date? At which point do you start to pay for the dates?

 

Do you do the inviting? If so, would payment of the bill change?

 

I usually will not offer to pay for the first date unless it is unusually expensive or I invited him (which would be rare but it could be that I got tickets for us to a concert or event and then I would pay).

 

I start to offer at the latest by date two to pay my own way. If he won't let me even after I persist I will treat for future dates by buying tickets in advance, hijacking the bill at the restaurant, etc. or I might buy him small gifts, make him dinner, other similar favors if he won't let me pay. I typically do not do the inviting until we've gone out several times and even then it usually will be to an event or party and only if he has made it clear he wants to see me again. After several dates - i.e. into month two usually we are exclusive or at least we are steadily dating - it is understood that we will see each other once a week - so often in those cases I will start to do more of the inviting.

 

If I invite, I will pay but by the time I am inviting we are usually more of a steady item and thereforeeee usually taking turns treating.

 

I do not let a man pick me up where I live on the first date if it is the first time or second time I am meeting him in person and we don't know people in common. I let him open my car door and usually he has an automatic car opener so no more leaning over!

 

I also like it when the man helps me on with my coat and offers to carry heavy packages I might have with me.

 

If the man doesn't make a great living I suggest free or less expensive activities.

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I let him open my car door and usually he has an automatic car opener so no more leaning over!

 

If I open the door.. even electronically, I still watch to see if the girl reaches over to see if they try... I have an electronic locks... which is why I don't usually open the door for the girl... unless we are going out somewhere special... I have to have *some* way to differentiate between a date and a *really* special night out

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If I open the door.. even electronically, I still watch to see if the girl reaches over to see if they try... I have an electronic locks... which is why I don't usually open the door for the girl... unless we are going out somewhere special... I have to have *some* way to differentiate between a date and a *really* special night out

 

;-) And I always step subtly aside to see if the guy will go for the door. My bf always does, and I like that.

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Batya: Then seek boys that will always open doors and know.. that discounting those that don't, doesn't mean they aren't the right guy...

 

Hoss: You do with yourself what you want to do with yourself. If some guy is actually *insulted*, then that is not what you want.. since that's not what you want.

 

Some people want doors opened... some want dinners paid for... some want sex... some want conversation.. and some just want a good night out getting to know a new person and don't really care about all the *signs*...

 

Do what you do and look for what you look for... you aren't wrong to expect things and you aren't wrong to grant things... but don't discount because of one little iota.

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I don't think there are 'rules' that are universal and will show us who is one of the 'good guys' - it's funny, isn't it? We are all looking for a set of rules that will make sense of it all. But there aren't any. Not really. I've been out with men who knew all the moves, the chivalrous stuff, because they'd read seducethatgirl websites, and were complete pigs. And it must be the same for men, that they think certain things show something about a girl, but actually, only time really tells.

 

I've been out with men who aren't so obviously chivalrous in the accepted way, or so practised, but were the most generous in spirit and soul, and who were fabulous. We want rules to help us out, but they can just show that people are practising what they think the other person would like, to get them into bed.

 

I think I'm smitten by true thoughtfulness more than who pays - someone who has spent ages tracking down a favourite childhood book, someone who is aware of what's really going on with YOU, not just doing what they always do. Personally, I always offer to pay or split everything, and if I've been going out with someone for a while, I prefer there to be a general sharing in paying, because you both are there. I like generosity of spirit in men and women, rather than being overly concerned with who is picking up the tab.

 

That said, I do value courtesy - but more in the way that you would be to everyone, not just your date. I hate it when men are lovely to you, but then treat the waiter really badly - I want someone to have core values of treating everyone with respect.

 

 

Interesting thread!

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These are great questions. I never know what to do myself. My first instinct is to offer to split the cost. Or if they get it, I tell them I'll get it next time. Then I read somewhere that is actually insulting to a guy....I don't know...too confusing for me to know what to do.

 

I never minded the offer to split the costs. I've had a woman offer, declined the offer, then say but I mean it, and then I declined again. After an initial offer, don't put up a fight. The initial offer is, from most guys I know, appreciated.

 

Personally, I hate splitting costs, but the offer was fine to hear.

 

I did like it when she made the date happen or picked up some costs.

 

And if he opens the door, I hope you say thanks. Opening without hearing it, gets old fast.

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Batya: Then seek boys that will always open doors and know.. that discounting those that don't, doesn't mean they aren't the right guy...

 

I would not discount a man just because he didn't open the door, but I would take note of it and find it highly unusual - and yes it would prompt me to look for other similar signs. The majority of the men I know - as friends, colleagues as well as in the dating context try to get the door for me.

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I don't think there are 'rules' that are universal and will show us who is one of the 'good guys' - it's funny, isn't it? We are all looking for a set of rules that will make sense of it all. But there aren't any. Not really. I've been out with men who knew all the moves, the chivalrous stuff, because they'd read seducethatgirl websites, and were complete pigs. And it must be the same for men, that they think certain things show something about a girl, but actually, only time really tells.

 

I've been out with men who aren't so obviously chivalrous in the accepted way, or so practised, but were the most generous in spirit and soul, and who were fabulous. We want rules to help us out, but they can just show that people are practising what they think the other person would like, to get them into bed.

 

I think I'm smitten by true thoughtfulness more than who pays - someone who has spent ages tracking down a favourite childhood book, someone who is aware of what's really going on with YOU, not just doing what they always do. Personally, I always offer to pay or split everything, and if I've been going out with someone for a while, I prefer there to be a general sharing in paying, because you both are there. I like generosity of spirit in men and women, rather than being overly concerned with who is picking up the tab.

 

That said, I do value courtesy - but more in the way that you would be to everyone, not just your date. I hate it when men are lovely to you, but then treat the waiter really badly - I want someone to have core values of treating everyone with respect.

 

 

I could not agree with you more and have met the men who have the good superficial manners but lack the underlying values and character. Last weekend I watched my bf note that his father, who is legally blind, thought he had cleaned up something he spilled but was mistaken. His father asked him if it was cleaned up and my bf, so as not to embarrass his father - told him it was cleaned up and as soon as his father left the room, he finished the job. That to me means more than his opening of doors or other things that are more routine than this which takes true thoughtfulness and respect of his father.

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As far as first dates go, I usually pay and expect to pay. However, throughout the duration of dating a woman and eventually evolving to a relationship then who pays should no longer matter so long as it's not one sided.

 

As far as whom asks whom to go on the date: I've been asked out where the woman actually expected to pay and did pay for everything, even though I offered. Rare, but it did happen.

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