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How do I learn from the past?


librarychick
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Things have been hard for me this past year. Next week marks the one year anniversary of the day I left my ex-husband. It was a bad and emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not sad I left, but the closer the "anniversary" comes, the more I think about how not to repeat my relationship mistakes. I'm not taking the blame, he was abusive and there's no excuse for what he did to me. But there were signs early on in the relationship that I either didn't see or didn't want to see.

 

I've recently gotten into another relationship. If I could pick the polar opposite of my ex it would be my current bf. But I keep thinking lately, "What if I'm repeating history?" (This whole freaking out started last week when my mother had a "heart-to-heart" with me; expressing her concern that I'd screw up yet another relationship.) Things with the new bf are becoming strained. And I think a big part of that is my fear.

 

Do I talk to my bf and let him know what's going on in my head? Or do I "put on my big girl panties and deal with it"? Did my mother plant the seed of doubt and now I'm reaping it? Could all this doubt and confusion be because I'm getting my period next week?

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The thing to find out is if you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. Not your mom's opinion, yours.

Is there something that needs to be discussed now or is it better to wait and see. How strained are things? Can you talk to him in a non-confrontational way? Do you love him more than you are bothered by his behavior?

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I'm not taking the blame, he was abusive and there's no excuse for what he did to me.

 

But there were signs early on in the relationship that I either didn't see or didn't want to see.

 

(This whole freaking out started last week when my mother had a "heart-to-heart" with me; expressing her concern that I'd screw up yet another relationship.)

 

 

It seems like you do blame yourself, even in a small part.

 

Talk to your boyfriend.

If he is worth his salt he will give you the support you don't seem to have gotten from your mum.

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Wow, first I want to mention that is awesome that you are learning from the past.

And it's great that you now see the warning signs you had. After my break up with my abusive ex, I was also able to look back & see how I should have paid attention to certain red flags. But that's how we learn!

The fact that you can see those signs now, is all you really need. You know what to look for & as long as you are aware of those & keep your eyes open, you'll be okay & you won't repeat the mistakes.

 

I think Yes your mom did plant the seed out doubt that's now growing & your period is probably adding to it.

Talk to your boyfriend. Just like Agent said "if he is worth his salt he will give you the support" Keep the communication strong..let him know what's going on in your head (:

wish you happiness

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Thanks for all of the wonderful advice and support. BF and I talked last night. Turns out we both had some stuff on our minds. One of the things bothering him was that he knew the "anniversary" coming up was bothering me. But he thought it was because I must still have feelings for my ex. I let him know the real reason I was feeling anxious about the "anniversary" and that it had nothing to do with feelings for my ex. So I'm glad I took everyone's advice and talked to him about it.

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Hi,

 

Though this thread message is late I would like to tell you something.

 

Keep your mind clear always. Our mind is a very very powerful tool.

It can actually sense the future, there are a few things that would try to stop us from doing something. Some events , incidents. We squelch all those thoughts. We tend to ignore them. Well these are hints of disasters.

We tend to get into some problem or the other. But our mind actually senses it much earlier. We just ignore the hints and finally regret for what we have done or not done.

Your relationship in the past is over, to predict the future of the new relationship keep your mind clean and clear. Talk to yourself as you know yourself best. Your mind would give you some hints.

When in love , our heart takes control. When our partner asks for some help, (something that could lead to bad consequences) our mind would know that it could put us into trouble, but our heart doesn't. I am the best example for this.

Wish you all the best.

 

ThirdEye.

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my 2 cents,

 

i have noticed a few posts where women when describing their ex use the word 'abusive' and then wonder if they are repeating past mistakes. first thing i notice, is the is no mention of what 'your' past mistake is but u mention what the other person was/did. what i would do is first, stop stating things about someone when they are not there to defend their position - that is not fair and when u set it up that way, it paints a picture only for your point of view. plus, when u have truly forgiven and moved on you will find no reason to use that word. next, instead of focusing on the 'illedged' abuse from the past [remember this is just your word and while it might be true, you can't be judge and jury and victim at the same time - rebuttal is required], focus on why u went out with someone like that, are u drawn to those types of men, examine what is just your role and then that is what will steer u clear in the future. also, try your best to not let your past influence your present, and while advice from mom is good - remember she hasn't lived your life so make up your own mind. one thing i have found that helps me, whenever i have posted here, is i talked about what happened in the past without asscoiating negative traits to the other, its more about dealing with the things i was resposnible for. shift the focus. it helps.

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HA! Feelings for an abusive ex! Excuse me while I go laugh for awhile. After buddy got done trying to choke the living life right out of me (all the while telling me he was making me into the "perfect woman"), the only I thing I felt was freeee.....!

 

I know what you're talking about though. It's very hard to break that kind of pattern, and you have to ask your mother, and other friends, are you seeing things in this guy that make you nervous for me? Your ability to spot potential abusers is damaged by the fact that you were involved with one; it's a good idea to ask other people what they think. And even then, some guys are very good at making people think that they are Prince Charming, while the wife knows what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone thought the world of my mother's husband. I guess marriage didn't exactly bring out the best in him; he shot her horse in front of her screaming at her "I'll teach you to love something more than you love me." Well, yeah, that'll do it... Are we feeling the love now??

 

But if you're happy with your relationship, try not to worry. Enjoy what you've got and try to learn to relax again. Communication with your boyfriend is an excellent step in the right direction.

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