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Need a LOT of advice! My ex and current gf!


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Hi guys,

 

Just looking for some advice really…or just to be told what I need to be told (I already know the right answer but maybe just need to hear it!).

 

I dated a girl for a year and we had a very volatile relationship…she knew exactly how to push my buttons and we argued a lot. Nobody else has ever wound me up so much and she seemed to be able to do it at a canter. I was never physical (she was on occasions) but would often lose my patience with her and usually quite rightly so.

 

We broke up at Xmas (I ended it) after one row too many. I did love her and I guess maybe I always felt a slight bit of excitement there but it wasn't healthy for me. Just two days after the break up, I was glad it was over – but I then heard that she had a new bf (after just two days!) and I was really upset. Tried ringing her, even asked her to get back with me (jealousy maybe?) and she refused, was very nasty to me, told me in no uncertain terms to leave her alone and that was that. Within a month or so, she had moved in with him and his mum (!).

 

I didn't hear from her at all then until about April time (so some four months), during which time I'd met someone new. She had found out about this and text me saying she was very jealous. A few phone calls ensued before she stopped after I told her that I was happy and had moved on. However, I've never really stopped thinking about her, even though I am so happy with my current gf and have the nicest, most caring gf I've ever had (I'm 24). Not sure why.

 

Out of the blue, she rang me about a month ago, saying her bf had cheated on her (in tears) and that she didn't know what to do. Maybe I should have told her where to go, but I am not like that, and ended up talking to her for a good hour or so, just giving her advice and acting as a shoulder to cry on (in a friend way, nothing more).

 

She text me a couple of days after that saying she was going to give it another go with her bf again and then I didn't hear from her again until the weekend just gone. I was in a club with my friend and she came over with another two girls and said hello. I was polite and felt slightly awkward as it was the first time I had seen her for some 9 months. She told me she had broken up with her bf and now had (another!) new bf. We chatted for a while and she was friendly enough and it felt nice in a way that we'd seemed to move on from all the problems we had in the relationship. I did feel a bit guilty for talking to her when I have a gf, but on the other hand, I didn't do anything wrong so maybe I have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Anyway, after about 5 minutes of conversation, one of her friends (who is a lesbian) decides to tell me that she's "done stuff" with my ex-gf. I said, "You what?" and I was shocked as my ex-gf isn't a lesbian (as far as I know!) and my ex-gf laughed and said, "you weren't supposed to tell him that!"

 

I ignored it and we carried on chatting civilly for another 10/15 minutes and I accidentally kept calling her friend the wrong name (I was pretty drunk). After about3 times of me doing this, her friend (the lesbian one) stood up and said, "I'm sorry, but you're a f-ing p**ck"! I was shocked, especially as I had been nice enough to even buy the girl a drink! She then continued to abuse me and told me, "I could tell you so many things that would make you gutted but I won't because I don't want to get people into trouble." I assume she means my ex-gf cheated on me regularly or something. Who knows. Anyway, all the time my ex-gf was laughing, as if to approve what her friend was doing and I said "Thanks for laughing at me" and she replied, "You're welcome" in an arrogant, sarcastic way. By this point, I snapped and told them both where to go (although in a slightly harsher way!). They then left the club.

 

I text my ex-gf yesterday to apologise and stated that I regretted what I said to her and her friend but I only did it in self defence and her friend had started it and I am not going to take the entire blame. My ex replied and told me, "Just f**k off and leave me alone"…So I did

 

That's it…but what I don't understand is I have a wonderful gf who is beautiful, adores me, so loves me and I do care about her so much. Anyone else wouldn't give this a second thought but I can't get it out of my head. Why is it bothering me so much and what was/is my ex playing at?

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When people have a toxic relationship, it is not uncommon to get some sort of addiction to it... it's the emotional highs and lows.. not the person themselves. In comparison to your current girlfriend, your last one seems quite exciting (and I don't mean that in a good way).

 

I would completely and entirely avoid any contact with your ex. She will push/pull because she gets a thrill out of excitment.. chase... hence her popping around all over the place. She will always try to draw you in and then try and get a rise out of you. She seems very troubled to me.

 

If you are used to that kind of relationship dynamic, then getting into a much healthier one can often seem a little awkward... almost boring sometimes. I think that you need to look more to what you feel is "healthier" for you in a relationship... and don't get confused by associating these feelings with the particular individuals involved.

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Few people enjoy being on someone's bad side for long. So, you don't enjoy having your ex upset with you. In this case, what else would and could you have done. When she needs to talk to someone, you'll hear form her, and that's what you should know. It seems like she will use you when convenient and abuse you when she has no need for you. How much more should you take from her?

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Wow I agree with both other posters.

Let me say, RUN FAR FROM YOUR EX. You can't fix her & you cant live like that. She has issues & can’t even stand to be alone with herself. (which is why she’s always seeking attention & affection from others, not even 3 days can't she be with herself) Don’t comfort her again. She is using you & your emotions & will continue if you let her. Get away from her…. She will only bring chaos & pain.

Ever wonder why didn’t she call her friends to comfort her when her bf cheated?????? Cause they are all b*&^ & messed up too….her friends are a reflection of her.

 

I think it's on your mind still, cause you seem like a good person who doesn't like being on someones bad side. that's it! YOu apologized, that's all you can do, it's her choice to accept it or not. Don't do anything more. She's unhappy inside, nothing you say will fix that. Let go of her, her world is far different from yours now.

 

You've got a wonderful beautiful women who brings you happiness. Cherish her, because she is valuable and a rarity. Don't take her for granteed. Don't risk losing her. Love her for all she is, she is the kind of women that makes the world a better place.

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Thanks guys, I really appreciate all that feedback from everyone and it means a lot.

 

I intend now to totally ignore this girl and continue being happy with my lovely girlfriend. Everything you said was spot-on and I think it is a case of thinking, "Why is she horrible to me and why does she do this?" but...like you say...who cares. She has MAJOR issues and doesn't like herself so how can she like anyone else?

 

And you're totally right about not being able to be on her own. When I saw her and we were chatting before she went into one, I asked her why she had a new bf and she said she didn't love him but she'd be bored on her own!

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Good I'm gald we could help

and you're totally right

"she has MAJOR issues and doesnt' like herself so how can she like anyone else?"

Exactly (:

 

When you love yourself you can love others

when you are happy alone, you can be happy with other

When you are miserable alone, you will be miserable to others.

 

Best of luck with your lovely girlfriend. wish you two happiness!

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