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My live-in boyfriend of 2 1/2 years left me. Not much explaination, but we were fighting a lot and I figured maybe he couldn't take the heat. So I instantly tried to move on, but could never really date anyone. I was so devestated over the breakup that I cut all all ties and contact to my ex-boyfriend.

 

Well, two months go by with no contact and he shows up at my doorstep, begging for forgiveness. He is talking about how he much he loves me, and wants to get married and have a family. I did not take him back right away, but eventually we got back together because I knew I still loved him. But I did ask him what happened while we were broken up, and he told me he "made-out" with a girl. I believed him.

 

Now, 3 months later, I found out that he had sex with another girl while we weren't together. Multiple times. I was just devestated that I was lied to, but I now know I should'nt have asked. I just don't feel like he really loved me if he could have sex with someone else, even if we were broke up.

 

He told me he now wants to move away with me, away from everything that has happened and start fresh. I am having my doubts. Forgiving him would take a lot for me. Plus it makes me wonder if he is too immature for this relationship. He is the same age as me.

 

Please advise where I should go from here. I love this man, but I need to do what's best for me.

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If he is truly willing to move forward into "marriage" and other such serious issues, then he should be able and willing to provide you the time you need to trust him again. Running away from problems doesn't solve anything and it sound slike that is what he did, and what he is proposing to do.

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I agree that you shouldn't have asked what he did while you were broken up. I don't see what good could have come of you knowing. Although I think that total honesty is the best course of action in a committed relationship, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that a large part of the reason he lied about it was to spare you hurt feelings.

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OK, when you were apart, you were apart. He was not cheating, was he? When you have been together, he has not cheated, as far as you know, so there is not cheating here.

 

If you want and need to forgive him, it's for picking up and just getting out. Of course, he might have been justified in doing that too. It depends on much. He could have done and hadnled things badly while together and during the break up. For example, if he really just up and elft without a word, then I would have an issue with that. have the guts to talk to me, please.

 

What did you expect him to do while you were apart? Save himself for you? I doubt that is realistic. What happened was that he left you because it was, to his thinking, not worth staying at the time. He went out and tried to find something else. He found someone, tried it out and found what he found to be lacking in comparison to you. So he came back to get what he thought was more valueable. Doesn't that make sense? So, your doubts about what he might or should have done is probably off, as I would look at male thinking, and, since I am male, I have some insight.

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Beec, I agree with your thinking. I see the main issues as:

 

1. Him up and leaving

2. 2 months later coming back and saying let's marry and move away from this place together

 

The issues that led to him brekaing up don't seem to have been addressed. There was obviously a commitment issue on his side that caused him to want to leave and, when he came back, it seems like he is over-compensating by over-commiting.

 

Thus, she should allow more time to see if he is really commited, or if he is just bouncing back and forth.

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Beec, I agree with your thinking. I see the main issues as:

 

1. Him up and leaving

2. 2 months later coming back and saying let's marry and move away from this place together

 

The issues that led to him brekaing up don't seem to have been addressed. There was obviously a commitment issue on his side that caused him to want to leave and, when he came back, it seems like he is over-compensating by over-commiting.

 

Thus, she should allow more time to see if he is really commited, or if he is just bouncing back and forth.

 

I agree with this........did he leave you for this girl? Sounds shady to me. I'd want explainations.....lots of explainations!

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It's just...how do I really know he won't leave me again? I have watched numerous relationsihps eventually unfold when breakups/makeups frequently occur. When do you just cut your losses? This man has really hurt me,TWICE!

 

You never know for sure. I don't know if I will wake up tomorrow and be asked for a divorce or not. I really don't. But I do have an idea that it is not going to happen anytime soon. She loves me, I love her. I also don't know that I won't have a metoer fall on my head. Either is possible. The odds on a divorce are affected by how she feels. That's what I need to pay attention to.

 

So you don't know if he will leave you, aor if the next man, should there be one, will leave you, or any man for that matter.

 

That's why you need to keep working on your relationship.

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Ok so I asked him why he left me to begin with. He said he was hanging out with a bunch of single guys and thought he would be happier being single, since we fought a lot. I am in a lot of pain, dealing with the fact that I love this guy and that he slept with someone else, so quick.

 

I told him I need my space. Do people honestly make mistakes like this, like breaking up with their significant other, getting together with someone else and then decide it was a bad move? Or am I just kidding myself?

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Ok so I asked him why he left me to begin with. He said he was hanging out with a bunch of single guys and thought he would be happier being single, since we fought a lot. I am in a lot of pain, dealing with the fact that I love this guy and that he slept with someone else, so quick.

 

I told him I need my space. Do people honestly make mistakes like this, like breaking up with their significant other, getting together with someone else and then decide it was a bad move? Or am I just kidding myself?

 

People do make these kind of mistakes.

 

So what do you need to make you feel seucre in how he feels and that he won't leave again?

 

What does he need to put into the relationship?

 

Can anything do that?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok, Ive been doing a little bit of thinking.

 

I am not sure if I want this guy back. He told me, when we broke up, that he didn't love me the same.

 

Then he gets with someone else, within a 2 month span of us breaking up- quick, in my eyes.

 

I am not feeling the love now.

 

Maybe I expect more out of a relationship than that...I feel like the person I am meant to marry will NEVER let me go.

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i've been going through similar situations with my ex-fiance.

she left me for another guy, then she tried to get back together with me in august, but now we're in a limbo state where we don't talk to each other (out of fear or anger, i don't know). we've simply stopped trying.

 

part of the soul-searching that jazzgirrl alluded has helped me to realize that what i'm looking for is something that my ex cannot give me, at least not right now. if you're not feeling the love, then pay attention to that feeling because it's real.

 

the best you can do is calmy communicate (i.e. don't nag) to your partner what he can do to make you feel more secure. your insecurity is totally understandable; you just need to make sure you keep your emotions in check and don't lash out at him.

 

if he can't do what you ask, then let go (i know, it's really hard...).

 

also remember to look within yourself and ask your partner what you can do to help bring that feeling back. relationships always work both ways, even when we're feeling selfish...

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From my perspective...a guy left a girl to go out with me. Then he left me to go out with her. Then he got back in touch with me, because he thought he wanted to come back to me....At which point I walked away. I'm not that into ping pong.

 

I am not saying this is your relationship. I'm saying, yes, it can happen.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My suggestion, if you do really want to get back together with this guy, is to do it slowly. You have issues in your past that you still have to deal with. You clearly have issues with each other in the present as well, even though he wants to get back together. The future may have marriage, etc. all that, but clearly now is not the time to be thinking about that.

 

You have had some significant time apart. Now is time to figure out what page you both are on. And if you are both on the same page, try to sort out the issues in the past (your past hurts) and your current trust issues. But dont think about the future yet. You have to get to know each other all over again, so go slowly the second time around.

 

It also sounds to me that you might be looking for reasons to NOT get back together with him, and you are seeking some validation from the readers here on ENA. Think hard about the pros and cons of a relationship with this guy, bcause ultimately you are the only one who can decide what the right course of action is.

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