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back again, naturally


hpsowce
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Hi all, I haven't been on for a while, my last post started with me worrying about my g/f coming to pick up the last of her things after 2.5 months of seperation, and it ended with me saying that she had come round and before leaving asked me to take her back, that she had made a mistake to leave me and still loved me.

 

Well, my head said "No way!", the pain I had been through over the 2.5 months had nearly destroyed me, but my heart still loved her. So I took her back. Things were great for a few weeks, then she went on holiday with a friend and her friend's mum for 10 days. I went to pick her up from her friends house last night and she seemed very distant, the alarm bells rang immediately because I could draw parrallels with the way she looked at me the day she first told me she "loved me, but wasn't in love with me". So I took her back to my place hoping I was exagerrating things, but when we got there things got no better. She was talking about how she wanted to be a holiday rep and how she didn't want to come home, so I asked her was there really nothing to come back for, she just looked at me.

 

I'm trying to hold things together now because I know how hard the first break-up was on me, I don't want to go back there, I'm scared, I still love her, I've changed for the better, I'm fitter and healthier, more open to commitment but she seems to have not changed at all.

 

I ended up taking her home last night and we talked in the car outside her house, I told her that if it she didn't love me then we should split, cleanly this time, everything of hers had to go straight away. She said she was tired and she loved me but... she couldn't finish that sentence, so I finished it for her, "...but your not in love with me". She said she loved me, that she didn't want to hurt me, she said she was confused, she wants the single life but she wants me too. I got upset, I told her you can't go around treating people like this, I think I made her guilty, I didn't intend to. She ended by asking me to stay at her house that night, after a lot of me saying I didn't want to it was too much to refuse being held by her all night. We slept and I woke very early and couldn't get back to sleep, I decided I would tell her she had a couple of days to decide what she wants while I'm away with work. I did this and part of me hoped she would say she didn't need that time, that she loved me, but she didn't, she just looked at me with those big sad, blue eyes, my heart was breaking but I kept it together and left. She waved at me from her bedroom window as I left but there was no happiness in her face.

 

I know what's coming, I'm not stupid, but I am scared of going back to that hell of loneliness, and it makes it harder to know that she loves me, that she wishes she felt the way she used to feel about me, she accepts we are great together, but something is missing.

 

I'm sorry for any bad grammar/punctuation, I'm writing this quickly as I wait for a taxi to the train station.

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I feel for you, I know excactly what your going through. I've had the holiday thing done to me twice now. first time last year and it took 8 months to get back together. Well she's done it again this year. This time for good. I dont know what it is about holidays - they put a distorted view on real life.

 

She said she couldnt contact me ever again 3 weeks ago cos she wanted to move on. Well guess what, first the email, then IM and then a couple of txts yesterday for the 1st time in 3 weeks. but that was cos she thought I had a date!

 

Why do we put ourselves through it, why are we affected so much by these people.

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thanks for your reply, it means a lot to know others are going through similar pain. I wasn't worried about the holiday beforehand, maybe I just thought we'd been through our hard patch and it would be plain sailing here on in. Though I expect that things were obviously still not right in her mind.

 

What's hard too is that she still says she cares a lot for me but can't help not feeling how she used to. It seems so very unfair, like I can't blame her, only circumstance.

 

The swings have started again, i'd forgotten what they felt like, one minute I'm laughing and chatting with people and the next it's all I can do to not breakdown in tears.

 

I just got a text message from her telling me she will think about what I said, that she feels like sh*t for treating me like this... somehow to know she feels bad doesn't help me at all.

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hpsowce - unfortunaltely, people who run, come back, run, come back will continue to do this because either they have trouble with committing to someone / something or because this relationship isn't the one. This HAS NOTHING to do with you. You sound like a great person. This is HER problem and unfortunately, you are suffering because of it.

 

I would not wait for this person. I had a bf who did the same thing and when I finally stopped putting up with his back-and-forth play, I moved on to something better and more healthy. These relationships are EXHAUSTING!

 

Good luck to you

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I'm so sorry that your going through this pain once again hpsowce. Stay strong and know that you've done this before and you got through it then, if you could do that then, then you can do it this time.

 

Everyone's right she has no idea what she wants in anything and she is taking you along on her see-saw. Its so hard trust me I know, but you deserve better then someone who wants to be with you one day and then wants single life the next.

 

You know what decision is coming from her, prepare yourself for that and do your best to know that theres someone else greater out there for you that wont have you on a see-saw. Good luck to you.

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that's a good point, I do know the outcome. I mean even if by some miracle she turns round and says she wants to give it a go then I'd be stupid to say yes right? I just have a hard time getting my heac round this being the real end.

 

I feel sick just thinking about it, like an irrational fear of being alone. Nothing I didn't feel the first time but it's equally bad knowing how long and how much I suffered before, I hate this.

 

I feel like i'm on death row, just waiting to be finished off, waiting for her to tell me she doesn't want me.

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First of all.

If there is a breakup, it always comes from 2 sides.

If you want to get back together, its not enough to change one person.

Both have to make effort and both of you have to change.

Otherwise she is not worth it.

But even if you love her, then you still have to accept that some people aren't made for eachtother.

Even if they are beautiful or even when you have so much things in common.

Sometimes you have to let those persons go.

Even if you both change, there will always be things where you both will have another or a different opinion on it.

Its only the fact if you can live with those little differences or not.

 

Friendly greetz

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Hpsowce,

 

After reading a couple of your posts, I searched out your posts going back to the beginning of your break-up --- because there were some ways in which it is a reflection of my sad situation.

 

Firstly, it struck me that you said you were 27 and this had been the first serious relationship of your life where you had been in love with the girl, who (if I've got it correctly) was 7 years younger than you. In my case, I'm now 28 and my girlfriend who is 22, has broken up with me after a year of being together. Like for you, she was the first great love of my life, and so I felt deeply some of the thoughts you put down in your posts that come of having lost someone special at this age in life.

 

The other great parallel between our stories is the way the reason for the break-up. I found it hard to get any kind of proper reason out of my girlfriend, who has never been one for talking about difficult feelings. She would keep saying that she didn't even know herself, and only wished she did. Finally after some agonising weeks during which I was left in limbo wondering what was going to happen, she let me know that we didn't have a spark. This is where I feel for you, when your ex said that "she loved you, but was not in love with you". My ex-girlfriend was trying to get the same meaning accross to me ... sadly, it is only after reading posts on this forum that I began to understand something of what she wouldn't / couldn't tell me.

 

I have written a longer post on the "Healing after Break-Up and Divorce" forum, I hope you'll have a chance to read it.

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I know what you are going through.

 

You say you feel like you are on death row waiting to be finished off. I'm going to be blunt: you have put yourself there and only you have the power to get your a** off death row. You have a beautiful opportunity to take the lead and end the relationship, on your terms. I think it's the best move you can make, because she obviously doesn't know what she wants right now, and chances are, she's going to pull the plug on you again.

 

Just because you've done the work and made yourself a better person, doesn't mean she has or *ever* will. That's up to her. And if she figures it out, maybe there's an opportunity for you two down the road. Be proud of yourself for the hard work you've done. You can't control someone else's behaviour.

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