Time Together/A little SAD

[hope123]

Maybe i need a lot of attention--sometimes i dont know if i should feel the way i should. My b/f doesnt live around the block--about 45 minutes to an hour away..not that far but far enough i guess..

 

He does not go out much with out me..meaning at night to bars etc

But he works on his car--usually when its necessary or his bike or does things for close relatives on his free time as well...And he also can sometimes have the option of taking off one day from the office during the week and working saturday---so this pretty much means i only see him at night during the week(i get out of work) as well as the weekends..and we only see each other 3 nights a week...sometimes i even feel he takes that day off during the week so i wont be there on that day(not in a mean way)--so he can do all those errands and things and then saturday morning he can drive me home before work--and so i wouldnt be there..and would see him at night...Then on sundays he has the same schedule so we even had to compromise that he drives me home one sunday morning and then another i take a cab home--b/c with traffic and everything--by the time he gets home its later in the afternoon cutting into the time of other things...which i can see that b/c my dad is the same way if it came to working on the car etc. (daylight)

 

I had to complain to him that he needs to spend some sundays with me and some time during the day with me..and he has improved but sometimes it still gets to me how i wanna spend more time with him--and he is fine with the way things are..we usually know what days we see each other..almost like a routine...he has rarely ever said for me to see him an additional day such as monday unless i brought it up and said..why dont we...

Sometimes it bothers me and i dont know if its his rough exterrior(doesnt wanna show emotion) or he is really ok with only seeing me those days and thats it.

I even try to play games i think just to get some reaction that he would miss me or is sad if he wont see me...even on saturday i wasnt feeling that great and i said to him--maybe tonight isnt worth it...its already 9 and by the time you pick me up and drive me there(i live with my parents so we cant stay here) you will just fall asleep and then will want to wake up early and i dont want to wake up at a set time tomorrow..and he was just like OK...no aww i'm not gonna see you..it was almost as if it didnt even bother him at all.

I dont know why or if it should...but it bothered me with him just saying ok..and i dont want to complain and say be more sad about this if this is not how he feels obviously.

I even sometimes say stupid things like--see, you are not in a rush to see me or you dont care if you dont see me..and he will just be like no...and then i will say something and his only response is--if you are going to say silly things like that you will get a silly answer...so i can see he isnt saying it to be mean but he doesnt get why i do it--almost like i need reassurance somehow he wants to see me etc.

 

Please write back with thoughts.

[Pippa]

Hi Hope123, this is just petty. All you need is not to complain about things, or you will drive your boyfriend further away.

 

To be honest, it sounds like its the main thing is the distance thats causing the problem in your relationship. I had a semi long distance relationship with my ex-girlfriend. It also was a fair distance away, and took me 40 minutes to get there by car.

 

Its close enough to see each other every day, but far enough, that you have to plan ahead.

 

I don`t know your boyfriend, but he sounds very much like me. I was independent, and I liked routine. I was comfortable with that. You sound like my girlfriend who hates routine. My ex also wanted to see more of me, but the distance was the main obstacle.

 

I think you should communicate what you want to your boyfriend. I think the spark is fizzling out of your relationship, as its become routine. Try to change how you see, or contact each other.

 

Its no good talking to us here for the answers. Its your boyfriend who you need to speak to.

 

Good luck

[annie24]

 

yeah, i remember your previous post.

 

have things improved in that area?

 

do you think that this relationship is working?

[hope123]

To me--40 minutes is not that far...and who said i am complaining non-stop..obviously if i am bothered by something and this is important i will say something like i did in the past.

 

My g/f's b/f used to drive that EVERY DAY to see her for quite a long time..i talked about this with her...she said he must have really liked her..now they practically live together so thats why i am saying used to.

 

Anyway--i dont really see what to say to my b/f regarding this--what else can i say that i havent said..i told him there has to be a sunday once in awhile spent with me...and its not even routine like once a month on a sunday..i just said once in awhile...and then on saturdays when he gets home from work--i feel like he could come and get me afterwards once in awhile as well rather than go home and pick me up later on..that way we would have some extra time together...but he never suggests it--i cant force him to feel this way--thats the thing--and i dont know if this is bad--like maybe he isnt all that interested. I cant say--feel a little bad if you dont see me on our usual night...sometimes i really dont know what to do...but it does make me continue to try to play games sometimes or act distant or cancel on a night we usually see each other.

 

Should i not spend the nights at his apartment? should i go home after a couple of hours b/c maybe he is getting too comfortable? any suggestions would help.

[annie24]

well, from this post and your previous post, it seems like there is a communication problem between you two. like you don't quite know exactly where you stand with him.

 

i've noticed that when i start overanalyzing, the guy just pulls away... maybe start focusing on if you are getting what you NEED right NOW from this guy.

[hope123]

I dont think he is pulling away--i'm not analyzing all this on the phone with him...but if i am mad or a little annoyed..it will probably show up in my attitude...like i wont be exactly the same..thats just the way i am..i cant shrug things off so easily.

 

But does anyone here think i need to play a game sometimes..i feel sometimes its necessary(in all relationships) not in a hurtful way--like do you think its a good idea to go to his place..but go home after a couple of hours and not stay over or just cancel one day this week.

[Aschleigh]

hope123: How old are you? Why does he have to do all the driving? Do you have a car? Can you live on your own?

That way you would be much more independent and you wouldn't have to rely on him for rides. And each of you could have a place you could be at.

[hope123]

No--i can't drive at this point for financial reasons and i live with my parents...we already compromised with that issue too b/c he said he was burnt out from driving--i would take the train after work once a week out of the 3 nights we see each other and he would pick me up when i got out of the train...the 3rd night he is usually picking me up where i live--it would be probably like 4 trains on a weekend to get there--and at night not the safest so he would usually pick me up along with the other day.

 

So we have communicated awhile ago..i just dont know if other guys are like this...not suggesting days out of the normal routine to see me in addition to the regular, busy where we can't see each other during the day, doesnt seem sad if we cant see each other or bothered...just says ok, almost as if he really doesnt need me and i'm convenient for 3 nights a week for sex or comfort....i dunno..i feel he loves me but sometimes i feel that way--would other people think that too providing what i wrote or am i being a little dramatic and other people are just as busy and i should maybe try to be more accepting but also back away from him sometimes???

[hope123]

well today my b/f didnt call ALL day..i called him at 7:15 or so--no answer..i call at 9:30(i know he was probably working on his car which he was) but we were only talking for a few seconds and he is like i will call u back in 20 minutes...i just said are you kidding me?

 

At that point hearing that is frustrating when we havent spoken a word all day..and then he starts saying look i'm having a very bad day, covered in grease and i just hang up at that point not wanting to hear the reasons...he calls back a few times and i finally call back..and he just gives me attitude like whats my problem and i am being ridiculous...i said I am not a priority if u cant even pick up the phone for one lousy MINUTE and say how ya doin? i'm really busy but i just wanted to say hi...i'm sorry but i think its just respectful and goes along with even calling to say goodnight...especially if you are in a committed relationship and not just some casual dating thing..

 

I feel if someone is really interested--NO MATTER HOW BUSY THEY ARE--they can take a minute to call a person if they wanted to--not meaning it has to turn into a conversation but just to say i was thinking about you..am i wrong for telling him this? i told him thats how i felt---that by u not calling ALL day or night--i'm not a priority and i had to be the one to call again..who knows when he would have called(he said he didnt get the first call)..and all he said was i didnt even eat all day--i feel like its just an excuse personally..sorry..my best friend works a 12 hour shift at the hospital--SHE CALLS ME when she gets out of the train and walking home for 5 minutes just to say hi and whats up and then gets off the phone before she comes in so she can relax or go to sleep..It shows she is thinking of me even though i know she is exhuasted. It just feels nice and i feel a b/f should think of me the same way--but if something comes along that makes him busy--i dont hear from him...I wrote him a text message too after getting off the phone saying thats exactly what it is if a b/f cant take a minute to pick up the phone--not a priority but yet i am being ridiculous..

 

Can anyone else see my point?

[nilli]

I can understand why you are upset...because you prefer a certain amount of communication and reassurance. I can also see his point that he doesn't need that level of contact.

 

The thing is, you can't compare this to what your friend does or what other people do. He doesn't necessarily think along the same lines as you in terms of contact. Maybe you have to ask yourself if you need someone more compatible for you or learn to accept him how he is and not take it persoanlly...if this is what he is telling you.

 

'and then he starts saying look i'm having a very bad day, covered in grease and i just hang up at that point not wanting to hear the reasons...he calls back a few times and i finally call back..'

 

this seems like destructive communication...he's trying to tell you why he hasn't called and you hang up on him and don't respond when he tries to call you back.

 

I'm not sure what you can do. Perhaps try to let him know what you would like, without telling him this is what he *should* be doing and try listening to him a little more too.

 

Hope that didn't sound harsh! I actually have a similar problem in that I would like more contact so I know where you are coming from.

 

Good luck.

[hope123]

Here is another recent example,

 

I may have mentioned i only seem my boyfriend 3 nights a week--and rarely at the daytime--he is able to take a day off in the middle of the week and work saturday and get paid a little extra for it..not much extra but a little...soo i dont even remember the last time i saw him on saturday during the day.

 

Anyway 2 nights ago he said i wanna try to go to bed early so tomorrow at work i can try to fix my computer(he has been trying to get something up and running for awhile)--in my head i am thinking once again---I'M SECOND...I thought---why not spend that extra time with me at night and fix the computer on one of the 4 DAYS that we don't even see each other....Am i wrong for thinking this? Am i wanting too much attention or something?

I sometimes get very frustrated still...i know i get out of work late so by the time we even get to his place it is almost 9 pm..but then he just falls in and out of sleep..and it just gets so frustrating..do i back away next week and just say nah, i think i'm gonna stay home or something..is he not missing me enough? i really don't know what to do..i really don't want to argue about anything but its like--ok we see each other 3 hours a night and sometimes you are struggling to keep your eyes open(and its not like he has a stressful job.)

 

Am i being too much here?

[hope123]

hey guys

 

I really don't know if i am being too sensitive--like i said my b/f is always busy on sundays--fixing his car, cutting the grass etc etc...today he is having problems with his computer and he said he tried calling his sister in law for help but she is asleep right now---he said if she calls him back before he leaves work he will probably go over there--she isnt far away or anything but i said to him--you do know the stuff that happened isnt going to take a half hour to fix? and he just says well what am i supposed to do leave it? i didnt really say anything--my thing is---he really is not worried about what time he will see me tonight does he??

 

He does not need this computer for work or anything like that--nothing anything necessary in his life. But doesnt it really sound like all these other things just keep happening and whether he sees me or what time he sees me isnt the number one or one of the number one things on his list?...i dunno--if i really did not need the computer for something necessary--i would just say i will take a break from it and get help with it on monday and spend some time with my b/f(seeing as though he would not be seeing me tomorrow either)

 

Am i being too sensitive? Should i just cancel tonight completely and back away from him a little...try to get him to miss me? It sounds like a game but i dont know what else to do to make him think..i wanna see her or something along those lines...please help me...

[annie24]

do you think your bf spends as much time worrying about what you are up to as you do about him?

[hope123]

But this has nothing to do with wondering what he is up to...its about me and him being together...nothing to do with wondering oh what is he doing..if he says he is working on the car, i know he is.

[annie24]

no, what I'm saying is, do you think your boyfriend is spending hours and hours overanalyzing your behavior?

 

If he isn't spending hours and hours wondering what you are thinking, why are you?

[hope123]

I dont think it works that way--if he is not wondering what i am thinking, why should i worry about what he is thinking? I think if it worked that way--a lot of us would not be posting here...and i am not really wondering what he is thinking--i'm talking about situations that have occurred and what people thought about them.

[annie24]

hm. maybe I should rephrase in a different way... you've put up a lot of posts about your boyfriend, it seems you are quite insecure in your relationship with him.

 

what can YOU do to make yourself feel more secure? because we can't make him do anything. neither can you. the only mindset you can change is your own.

[hope123]

You are right, i need to figure out a way.

 

But--does anyone hear think i am being too much, too sensitive when it comes to this, expecting too much etc etc?

[annie24]

I even try to play games i think just to get some reaction that he would miss me or is sad if he wont see me.

 

well this here is telling me you have some problems in your relationship

[hope123]

With the situation today(aside from what i need to figure out and yada yada yada)...He calls me at 5:15 saying he should be leaving work soon and his sister in law did not call back..and we were talking about what we were gonna do then he mentioned the movies and he said he would check out the times and that he can probably leave his house by like 8---he calls me at 8:30 saying he is just on his way home..saying his sister in law did call back so he went over there for a little bit and then got her some food (shes pregnant)...so now by the time he leave his house i am thinking it will be 10pm or even later...would anyone here cancel to kind of make a point? I really would like advice on this question--not that i have problems in the relationship etc but this question this time..what would you do?

[annie24]

in the future, I wouldn't do these dates at the last minute. when you talked to him at 5:15, I would have said, "ok, let's make concrete plans for the movie. how about xxxxx at 9 PM?" and if he said, "well, I have to wait for my sis to call so I don't know what time we can meet." I would say, "ok, well, maybe let's do something tomorrow then when you have more time available."

 

I think it sucks to be sitting around wondering whether or not you have a date. don't let yourself get caught in that trap. it's a waste of time.

[VeganBohemian]

Truthfully, I wish I saw my bf that much.

[hope123]

What made things a little better--is on saturday night i did say..you are going to get here at like 11 pm--whats the point of staying over when you want to get up early to do things..and then he said so we won't get up early..and i kind of didn't believe him--but we pretty much spent the whole sunday together. I guess it kind of made up for it.

[Lovely8466]

Well, let me first admit I was in your situation with my current boyfriend. I went through a lot of ups and downs with feeling like he didn't care or want to spend as much time either. I have grown to learn that guys don't show their feelings the way we do. Of course he wants to spend time with you, but it sounds like he has a lot on his plate, and it's also hard for him to always be the driver.

 

Also, most guys don't like talking on the phone. Another thing I have learned about my bf. He hates the phone and I used to take it personally (such as, well I knew he hated the phone, but wouldn't I be a good reason to use it more often?) That's what I used to always think. I would play some games too, and purposely not call him and wait for him to call me, or when we were on the phone I would make the convo short. Anyways, what I'm trying to get at is that there are many things we won't understand about guys that we have to try and accept. If you have already talked to him about the things that bother you and he won't change some things, then maybe you should think about your priorities in the relationship. Are these things really important to you? Or are they things you can let slide? If they are very important and he won't change, then maybe you should leave your options open. If I were you, I would try and make my schedule just as busy, that way he would want to cut off what he usually does on sundays to come and see you.

 

I hope some of this helps... and I know it sucks in many scenarios, trust me I'm still going/learning through new things with my bf... but good luck!

[hope123]

Hi

I agree with your post--except--how will making myself just as busy help me to see him on sundays? if i am just as busy--i wont see him...and my b/f is kind of like--if i have something to do--he will understand ..he won't complain i guess like i do...he will say ok..tomorrow then or the next day...i said to him once you sound indifferent about whether you will see me or not..and he says i'm taking it the wrong way b/c he assumes that both of us are not going anywhere and we will just see each other the next day. So it doesnt think its a big deal if we get busy..b/c he still assumes we are still together and not going anywhere anytime soon.