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Email from the EX after a month of NC


TheGetUpKid
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My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago and I have been doing NC (Ive broken it a couple of times). Shes currently studying abroad which was one the reasons why we broke up. When I told her that I wanted to stop contact between us, she sorta got upset but understood why I wanted to. Well today I got this email from her:

 

Hey, I know in the last email you said you wanted time to get over me and I understand that, but it has been really hard not talking to you, I am use to talking to you at least every other day and it has been a month almost since I talked to you. I hope you are doing well, Italy is amazing I am having the time of my life here I am really glad that I choose to come here, it is a really good experience. I hope that you are having a good semester and enjoying it. But I really would love to stay in touch with you, four years is a long time to throw down the drain and I feel that is what you are doing and it really hurts me that you will not write me back on facebook or email or I have tried calling you so many times and you do not answer. But, I guess you have to do what you gotta do and I really would like to continue our friendship and hopefully hang out when I get home, cause I really truly miss you so much. But I guess whatever you want to do is the decision that Ihave to live with, by the way, your new facebook picture is really hot...hopefully i will hear from you soon

 

The thing is that I would like to be her friend, but I still have really strong feelings for her and would rather be in a relationship with her. I still think about her everyday even though Ive been trying to get over her, hence the NC. Im really confused right now and I dont know if I should continue NC or keep in contact with her.

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I didn't read any hint in her email to you about loving you and wanting to be with you. I read how she "misses you", "misses talking to you", and "doesn't want to throw it all down the drain" (all normal but ancillary feelings). And she point-blank says she wants to continue a friendship with you...

 

You want more from this so there is no way you can be a true friend to her. Your feelings are still too strong for her. You should definitely stay the course you are on regarding contact.

 

One month removed from a 4-year relationship is nothing. I don't think the reality of the situation has hit her yet, that you broke up and she can't have what she wants fromyou when she wants it anymore. She needs to realize this.

 

Plus, she is being selfish by contacting you after you asked her not to do so. The difficulty she is facing with this situation is taking precedence in her mind over your feelings.

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Yeah, this was pretty much what I was processing as I read her email, too. Especially Frisco's last sentence here. I don't think your ex is taking seriously (enough) what you are going through, and any "friendship" would be largely about making herself feel better. Meanwhile, you'll be agonizing because you want her back.

 

It's too soon. Again, Frisco's right...one month compared to four years is very, very little time to completely get over her. It's gonna be a while before you're out of the woods, and by the time you are, you might not even care if you're friends with her or not.

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Yeah, this was pretty much what I was processing as I read her email, too. Especially Frisco's last sentence here. I don't think your ex is taking seriously (enough) what you are going through, and any "friendship" would be largely about making herself feel better. Meanwhile, you'll be agonizing because you want her back.

 

Yes...and...

 

It's too soon. Again, Frisco's right...one month compared to four years is very, very little time to completely get over her. It's gonna be a while before you're out of the woods, and by the time you are, you might not even care if you're friends with her or not.

 

Yes again! I've found many time after the dust has completely settled after the fallout, I say to myself, "What was I thinking?" It's easy to crave the security and consoling closeness of friendship immediately after the bomb drops with someone who has hurt you but later on...things can change and in my experience, they often do. You see the situation from a different perspective and see you may have no desire to be friends at all...especially with people who put their feelings above yours like this woman is doing...

 

I hope you're taking this advice here Kid and getting yourself back on track...

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Don't break NC. Everyone's right... she's baiting you. I got numerous emails like these and each time I would break NC with the same result. She wanted to check up on you and then go back to her own ways/life. I wouldn't hear from my ex for a few days and she'll email/txt/IM me. It's a cycle. If you're not ready to accept her as a friend without any 'strong feelings', then I suggest keeping NC.

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I hope you're taking this advice here Kid and getting yourself back on track...

 

Thanks friscodj and everyone else. I was actually considering responding back to her until I read super daves thread about being friends. I actually noticed that his ex even used similar phrases that my ex emailed me. It just sucks that she has to guilt trip me by telling my how it "hurts" her and how Im throwing away four years down the drain .

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If you absolutely have to email a reply back to her, I would strongly suggest something like this:

 

"Thanks, I appreciate the sentiments behind your email, but again, a friendship is not in either of our best interests at this time."

 

And leave it exactly at that! Don't reply to anything else she might subsequently send to you.

 

Listen, if her email didn't come accross as so, well, selfish, to be honest, I wouldn't necessarily advocate you don't try to spark up a dialogue. I am not always on the NC bandwagon. But in your case, I really believe it's the way to go for a while, friend.

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Just a quick update: Against what everyone has already told me and my better judgement as well, I emailed her back telling her that I couldnt be friends with her since I still had strong feelings for her.

 

Her reply:

 

thank you so much for writing back, i understand that you do not want to do the whole friendship thing cause being over i have come to realize how much in love i am with you and i really want to be with you, i know that is probably really hard to hear but it is the truth, four years is a long time to be with someone and then not still have feelings for them anymore. i think about you so much everyday and how much i want to be with you, i am not sure how you feel about this but its how i feel. i miss you so much, it feels like there is this huge hole in my heart and i cant get over it i have come to realize you are the only one i want to be with, i dont know what you want to go from here with this but i really would like to be together start over when i get back or something, please please let me know how you feel about this.

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Well thats some good news for sure BUT be careful. She may just be feeling lonely and when she gets back things may be good until she burns you again.

 

However, this is a good thing, i would be jumping for joy if I got an email back like that from my ex. This is your call now, and I know you love her so go for it.

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Don't do it. Under these circumstances the only message from an ex that should be responded to is one that asks to get back together.
That's what I said above and that is what you got. So now what are you going to do - or have done?

 

If you decide to take her back it is important to make sure you fix the problems that caused the break-up - or they will resurface.

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Thank you for all the responses and support everyone

 

Well thats some good news for sure BUT be careful. She may just be feeling lonely and when she gets back things may be good until she burns you again.

 

However, this is a good thing, i would be jumping for joy if I got an email back like that from my ex. This is your call now, and I know you love her so go for it.

 

I was really surprised by her response to be perfectly honest. I literally cried (out of happiness) when I got that email, especially since I was having second thoughts about sending it.

 

If you decide to take her back it is important to make sure you fix the problems that caused the break-up - or they will resurface.

 

Trust me, I wont make the same mistake twice. We have gone a "break" before however when we got back together we never really fixed any of the problems that we had.

 

Whoamygosh! Well...you heard what you wanted in your heart of hearts to hear. Whatcha gonna do now?

 

We have been emailing and talking to eachother a little bit. But we havent decided where we go from here. She's leaving the decision up to me whether we get back together or not (She has made it very very clear that she wants to be with me in her emails). Its an awkward situation since she is going to be in Italy till december. Should I just kinda "wait" for her till she comes back?

 

Dang Getup!

Now go get her! Congratulations! I think we are all applauding for you!

 

Thank you so much, If I had the money I would buy a plane ticket and she her right now

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