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Matter of the heart...or head?


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Would you guys follow your heart, based on who you are as a person and how you feel, or your head, based on past experiences with a particular person?

 

Example: If you decided to do total NC with your ex after trying to be friends after they break up with you and they expect you to behave/talk to them as if you're still in a relationship (but you don't so they flip out and you decide to cut off all contact), but they email you a few weeks later to say hi and ask how things are, would you respond? My bf did this but I am not sure I want to respond even though I feel like I do.

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If you're leaving him behind, use your head to protect yourself. If you want him, go with your heart.

 

If you decided to do NC, then he flipped out so you cut all contact, you weren't doing NC in the first place. Now you wonder if you should respond.

You seem in contact through all of this.

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but I don't want him treating me like crap any more or thinking he can.

 

Hey Cherrytree-

that quote right there is your answer. if you feel like what he is doing is hurting you then you need to enforce the NC.

 

I think that there are times when i think with my heart and then there are times when i think with my head.

 

I think with my heart when i feel safe and i know i can trust the person...but when I dont trust i use my head.

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I once had a boyfriend who had that kind of hold on me. His mood was up and down and my happiness depended on his mood. He was also a liar and most likely a cheat.

 

My gut kept telling me to run away...but I kept running towards him.

 

I honestly wished that i had kept running when my gut told me too...I didn't.

 

He became my fiance and then he had the power to hurt me in ways greater then i had ever imagined.

 

We have since broken up...but i still have issues with the relationship and with myself for staying when I should have trusted myself.

 

I would strongly suggest that in this situation you go with your head.

 

Even if he is trustworthy.. you don't trust him and what kind of a relationship could you possibly have without trust?

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Hey Cherrytree, healinghands is spot on...I fit the profile of her ex to a tee because of my treatment of a girl, which I regret. People say you have to listen to either your heart or your head but I don't agree. People who listen to just their hearts become blinded by emotion and those listening to just their heads look at things too rigidly and leave no space for heartfelt feelings. It's all about balance. I think your ex is being a little unfair contacting you so much if he doesn't want to get back together. I agree he may be missing you and be dealing with a certain measure of guilt but HE BROKE UP WITH YOU, now he wants YOU to conform to his idea of what your relationship should entail from now on. Thats completely out of order and I would suggest that despite what you feel in your heart I think the fact remains that he broke up with you and his own mixed feelings will lead to him messing you around if you allow it. To dreadfully honest I suspect he may be trying to keep you in reserve just in case other plans don't work out. I'm sorry I know it sounds harsh but take it from someone who's actually done something so despicable. Have the courage to take your own control of the situation and if that means complete NC then have the strength to stand by it.

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I have sort of been suspecting the "reserve" thing too...like he doesn't want me to move on even if he is. I was his 1st real gf in his life (he was my 2nd that I'd consider a bf even though I dated others). I am having a hard time saying, that's it, you made your choice...but I guess to make myself stronger I can't reply.

 

Isn't that like standing up for myself, and not letting him give me any "baloney"?

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I know... ...I do feel that even in light of my despicable behaviour I can help safeguard others from what I KNOW people are doing to them. Cherry I believe now more than ever that your ex wants to keep tabs on you either because he needs you for a backup in case another exploit fails or he just can't stand the thought of you moving on. In any case he really is being unreasonable and you deserve more.

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Wow, I like the word "exploit". He has told me to find someone else to date, and he's ok with that. But this keeping tabs says the opposite of that. Maybe he didn't want to break up in the first place. Maybe he didn't know what he was doing. Either way I don't want to sit around and either wait for him or be his doormat...that would be even more crazy than he is acting. Even though I still love him. Guess I have to be stronger than that. I wouldn't keep calling someone I broke up with.

 

I left out that his moods weren't necessarily the up and downs, even though they were that, but the way he treats me is. He flies totally off the handle when I tell him what's on my mind but then when I won't talk to him any more he gets all nice (like he did today) and wants to know what's up in my life. Then back to square one. It's almost like he has a split personality. Maybe something happened I don't know about...

 

Grrrr

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well is he just stringing you along to get back together or does he just want to be friends? This sounds like to me that he is insecure and that you are a strong person and he is using you as his security blanket. I would say no to being friends!

 

I think so--if he wanted to get back together, wouldn't he say so? I do believe he is extremely insecure. I don't think he knows what he wants to do. Like he wanted to show strenght by letting go but he can't because maybe somewhere in there are some deep feelings for me...the kind that make him want to stay. I don't know. Or maybe he thought I was going to leave first so he was beating me to the punch. I know I should ask him, but that means talking to him and I don't want to go there because I don't need that aggravation. I'm dying to do things with him...to get our friendship back, and even our relationship. But not at the expense of putting my self-worth aside. It still exists in there somewhere

But if he says "let's talk", I might be too tempted.

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I'm sorry honey but you've hit the nail on the head. If he wanted to get back with you then he would have, he would have known the right thing to say, he would have explained why he broke up with you in the first place and then expained what has changed. Just because he told you to date other guys doesn't necessarily mean he means it. Think of it this way do you think it's possible he said "date other guys" because he knows you still love him and he's safe in the knowledge that you're not willing to move on? At the end of the day he DID break up with you and has NO RIGHT whatsoever to dictate how you should react or relate to him. I know you love him but think about who you're dealing with in so far as what he's done and how he's acted since.

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I have a similar situation. I have maintained a strict NC policy for myself all this month, and going. It's tough, but I NEED to. it's what my head says.

I can' relate because the feeling is an awful "What do you want, why do you call" kind of feeling toward the other person. That's mistrust, and that's what's in me for my ex.

whenever she came over, it be like listening to a nobody. Nothing new, same person, talking the talk they want to talk, and hearing what they want to hear from you. of course you will, I will too because we love. But I for the sake of self preservation, self-respect (which the other in my "party" lacks,) the heart can sit this one out. you heart is loving still, and that's ok. I am thinking about it now, and what the heart is feeling is the "tug" of letting go. you want to let go, I want to let go too, and for me, I will use my mind, and act on why it's OK, and good to no longer have this woman/girl in my life.

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Think of it this way do you think it's possible he said "date other guys" because he knows you still love him and he's safe in the knowledge that you're not willing to move on?

 

If they don't want you to move on, why do they say it? If they don't want you, why the desire to feel safe in the knowledge that the other person wouldn't be? That sounds...manipulative? Controlling? Why keep hanging on to something you don't want? That seems crazy. Forgive me for sounding judgemental! But that's really what he did to me, isn't it? Made a judgement knowing the good person I was and chose not to continue anyhow. So it reinforces to me that it wasn't me, it was him (to use a breaking-up cliche.)

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It's rough, isn't it paco? To maintain even though you're dying inside. I long to talk to him, to hear his voice, to touch him, hold him, love him, laugh and smile, walk through the woods holding hands...all of that. It's all that that is hard to let go...just him. I still mistrust him, don't get me wrong...but the letting go is hard. So I'm doing like you, self-preserving and self-respecting...trying to finally let go like you, so I understand what you're going through.

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Why keep hanging on to something you don't want? That seems crazy... Made a judgement knowing the good person I was and chose not to continue anyhow. So it reinforces to me that it wasn't me, it was him (to use a breaking-up cliche.)

 

 

no one has been able to say it the way you just did. it really is what I have been trying to understand, but I know too, that I may never, and letting go is the only way. we'll get through it, to be sure.

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It's obvious that you have feelings for him, but one line hit my funny, "he needs me." Need is not love. Need sounds like deep dependency. So if you open the door to him, be prepared to feel like you're being used.

 

You know what, I have felt that way before w/him...like he was in it for selfish reasons & not because he actually loved me.

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