She still acts like my GF

[joeG]

Back again! I don't know how many of you have followed my story, but long story short. I was with my ex for a year, known her for 5, lived together for 10.

 

We broke up August 10th, and had 1 week of NC, from both sides initially after the break. Since then, its been LC. I tried to send a letter, to initiate NC a couple weeks ago, then fell weak to her tears.

 

For the past 2-3 weeks, we talk every other day, if that. She initiated all contact. She always has 20 ?'s about what Im doing, and I always jokingly reply with something like "everyone but you". Iv'e always been a humorous person, and never give here concrete answers to my social life. Which is why, she prolly keeps on asking the same questions over and over again.

 

Anyway- 4-5 days ago, I once again sent her a letter. Stating, that I love her and care for her a great deal, and want to work things out. (Right now we're 7 hours apart). And said, if that wasn't an option we needed time apart to heal, before we could ever be "just friends".

 

Sure enough, I get a childish call the next day saying "So where do you want me to send your stuff". She already knows my address, she lived here 5 months LOL. I laugh, and say "You really called to ask for an address you already have". And she finally, spills the beans.

 

Since our break we haven't really talked about the break, at all. The main reason we broke up was because she decided to stay in her hometown, instead of moving with me back to my homestate, like we originally planned. She comes from a very unstable/abusive background, and is now, right back in that same invironment.

 

So she starts talking. Telling me the "main" reason we broke up, was because she wanted to stay down there, and wanted me to stay with her, but I didnt want to. Then there was the fact she's 19, wants to go out and party and do the whole club scene, when Im already over it. (I'm 23). I went out with her, here and there, just to make her happy, but not enough. Her mother has constantly talked crap about me since day one. Keep in mind her mother is 46, abuses drugs, dates 3-4 men at the same time, brings these men HOME, where my ex, and her 10 yr old sister know whats going on. She's a piece of work. And doesn't like me because im white LOL. Her mother is half white half mexican, and looks completely white. But ONLY dates black men, and thinks her daughter should too.

 

So her mother has always said she thinks "I'm a good guy, just not right for her daughter", yeah alright. So we end up talking for an hour, and I end up telling her I dont want a desicion from her now. I will be taking a job (living with my ex's aunt) from the 2nd week in Oct thru the end of Nov. I told my ex, after I'm done with this job, I want to see her, and see how things go, she agreed. (We havent seen eachother since late July).

 

So this brings us to lastnight. Iv'e always had a problem drunk dialing her, 1-2 am, not often. Once or twice a month. She gets a kick out of it and has even said on numerous occasions "Dont forget to drunk dial me!". Cuz I usually just talk non sense, we laugh, joke, and thats that.

 

So lastnight, around 2 am. I call, she answers, we talk for a minute, she said her mom is pissed, and shes going to bed, tells me she loves me, we hang up. About 20 mins later, Im online, and she gets on. She NEVER gets online, period. She IMs me, said she tried calling back but it was busy, and to call her cuz she needs to talk.

 

I call her, and within 10 mins we're both in tears. We started talking about her grandfather (Who passed away last March, I went through it with her). This was the only father figure she had in her life, and his death was a big blow to her, and the rest of the family. She didn't hear me crying for a couple minutes then said "Omg baby what's wrong". I told her I know how much he meant to her, and I pray to him sometimes just asking him to watch over her, and keep her safe. We talk about him for a while, then she has me listen to some songs that "make her think of me".

 

After about 30 mins, she says "Why didnt you say no to moving down here, why didnt you say you wanted to stay in XXXX, I would of came back with you". (Before her grandfather died, we were living here, we went down for the funeral, and decided to stay because she felt her family needed her, and i agreed to stay too). She kept saying "If you would of said no, I would of came back with you". All of this by now, is completely confusing me. Then she tells me "I want to tell you what Ive been doing, but Im scared you'll be mad at me". (She has been acting kind of weird lately, and I always asked what was up with her). She ends up telling me, she's done crystal meth twice. I just about puked. She starts crying again, telling me how she "crawled back into her shell" after I left, and how much she misses me etc.

 

When we first got together she was using drugs, marijiuana pretty much was it. But she quit while we were together. And now that she's hanging out with the same losers she hung out with before me, it looks like she's going right back to her old ways. It breaks my heart in two. She grew up SO much as a person the time we were together, her family acknowledged it, so did she. We talked for almost 3 hours. Her birthday is coming up next month, and she said how no one had ever made her feel so special, as i did last year. (We went on a little vacation to SanFran, stayed the weekend, had a blast).

 

I told her to think about what she wanted to do come the end of Nov, when im done with this job, and let me know. A part of me wishes I would of just stuck to NC from the beginning, and I know a lot of you here will agree, everything just happened casually, and now im stuck where I am now.

 

I DO want to work things out with her. I just dont want to feel like Im going about doing it in the wrong way. This girl means the world to me, whether we're together or not, and i dont want to sit on the sidelines and watch her throw her life away because that's all she's grown up to see.

 

I guess i just want to understand if she's just "reaching out" to me, cuz she really doesnt have anybody else in her life her truly cares. Or if she's regretting the break, and doesnt know how else to tell me.

 

There's so many mixed signals. And for the most part, Im holding it together really well. I dont call her, I go out, have a good time. But it sits in the back of my mind, constantly.

 

Any advice would be very helpful. Sorry for such a long post.

[NJRon]

It's tough to tell if she is "reaching out" or really wants to give it a shot. I think you really need to stand your ground like you have (for the most part) and make her realize that she has to make an *actual* decision... no fence sitting.

 

I think it is wise that you not be around her mom.. and her fmaily seems a bit messed up. But, then again, I am curious whether she really wants to leave her 10 year-old sister in that house without her, if what you say about her mom is true.

 

All I know is that between the drama, the abusive/neglectful household and the drug/alcohol use... it's a very unhealthy situation and it would make me seriously doubt that she is sincere in her feelings. I am curious whether she actually *knows* how she feels.

 

I think that it isn't a bad idea to set a time limit on things... like you said, the end of Nov. But, don't get sucked into her world and get caught up in the drama.

[joeG]

You're right. Saying you're not sure she "knows" how she feels. I feel the same way. And from the little knowledge on abuse I do have, I know its hard for people that come from those situations and dont get help, to be able to sort thier feelings out.

 

Almost like the verbal abuse her mom gives, is the same as me telling her I love her. Like all the feelings are the same?

 

I dont have much of a choice about the whole time limit. Right now we're 7 hours apart. And I'm working on a movie with her aunt until the end of November. But the past couple days she's brought up "You should come down here" or "You should bring me my stuff instead of sending it". Iv'e of course said no, and what for...she has no response.

 

As far as her sister goes, that is one of her biggest reasons for wanting to stay there. I pretty much fed her sister the last 2 months I lived there, because her mother was never around, and never bought groceries. If I didn't pick dinner up everything, I brought stuff home to cook dinner, to make sure her sister didn't go to sleep hungry.

 

But, her sister real father is trying to get full custody, he's in the process of getting his own home, and once that's done he's taking her mother to court. And will more than likely win that case.

 

Regardless if my ex is there or not, her sister will be taken care of.

 

Iv'e read elsewhere that exes keep you around to slowly ditatch from you, and their feelings...then when they find someone else they kick you to the curb. I can see how this makes sense, because I myself have done it in the past.

 

I just can't help but think this situation is a lot different. If you asked her to name the 3 most important people in her life right now, I guarantee you I'd be number 1. I mean the feelings are more than obviously still there, on both sides.

 

She called this afternoon and within the first 5 minutes she said "Why didnt you call me yesterday"...I never call her, unless its calling her back. And she didn't call yesterday either, so of course I didn't call. She seemed all upset by it, and I told her I was busy and hadnt heard from her either. She said 'I was sleeping all day I didnt feel good, I wish you would of called'. Ok?

 

And I always joke around with her, saying on a scale of 1-148 how much do you love me ( I did this when we were together too). I said it today and she said "A lot more than 148", and the funny thing is, I know she isnt lying. We don't talk much about the actual break, but shes constantly bringing up our relationships, with "Remember when....".

 

I realize Im just rambling, looking for answers no one but her can give to me. I just another chance. And when I really think about it, she should be the one asking for another chance. She took her abusive ex bf back 3-4 times, after he beat the hell out of her, and she finally had to get a restraining order.

 

Now the good guy, has to "wait things out". It's just really hard to grab ahold of. I don't need her, or anyone else to tell me Im a good guy. I'm far from perfect, I have my flaws, but I did nothing but be there for her, and STILL am her rock.

 

A lot of people look back to there relationships and say "I could of done this, and that differently" there is nothing I can look back on and see where I messed up. I know that sounds arrogant, but it's the truth.

 

I guess this is turning out to me just venting. Sometimes it's good do that too.

[NJRon]

You know, you read what I have to say about it... you set your boundaries. That's good. If you have to wait, then wait... if not, then don't. Keep venting on this thread.... we're here for you.

 

Hang in there.