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How do you keep your ex out of your head? List examples


bungalo
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Hey there. I know how you feel, been there myself. I don't know how long you dated your ex, but a month of being broken up isn't very long at all. That's why I'm hesitant to give the following advice, but take it with a grain of salt.

 

I've read a lot about this subject, and found that after the proper amount of grieving is done, you have to really force yourself to get control of your brain. By that I mean that every time your ex comes into your head, immediately stop yourself and force your brain to go somewhere else. Easier said than done, I know, but what I learned from my research is that the brain is creating pathways all the time. Every time we think obsessively about something, it makes a groove that goes deeper and deeper, so that our brain wants to continue to go there. I hope that makes sense. You have to aggressively stop the thinking patterns by being aware of it and then thinking of something else.

 

On a more practical level, I've found that being around other people is what helped me the most. It forced me to actively engage in conversation and was very distracting. I also am constantly planning things to do, because then I always have something new to look forward to as opposed to dwelling on things past. And I read constantly, and if a book is engaging enough, that works. Finally, if I'm really obsessing and I just can't get him out of my head, I give in a bit and picture our future meetings, someday, when I am happy and looking good and we are finally able to be friends. Oh, and it also helps to visualize what you want your next partner to be like. That's positive, and some say it even helps to make that a reality.

 

But, like I said, you may still have a bit more grieving time to go. Don't surpress feelings or emotions that you need to go through to get to the next stage of grieving. Hope this helps a bit.

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The last poster had some really good things to say, especially the importance of grieving. You have to get the grief out first, even if that means setting aside some time every day (like 15 minutes) to cry. Eventually, you'll start saying to yourself, this is ridiculous, I don't want to be here anymore.

 

Here's what I have found useful with regards to obsessively thinking about your ex. There's almost no point in trying to push the thoughts away. You will just end up repressing them and they'll find another way to make you miserable. But what you can do is adjust the *values* you hold regarding your ex. Think about the things you didn't like about him/her. There must have been times that even you doubted the relationship. Why? Think about every time that person let you down, hurt your feelings, didn't know what YOU needed in the relationship. Explore the Truth of your relationship, and dispel the illusion of what you thought it was or would be. That's how you change your values.

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someone here suggested to me thinking about what my next boyfriend would be like rather than the crap my ex put me through. what he might look like, where we would go together, what we would do--you can start to visualize everything that you want to happen with the next person you love.

 

i read a lot, even if it's just a trashy magazine like "us weekly." any subject that you can really get into--fashion, sports, whatever--is good.

 

my therapist really encourages thought control when the bad thoughts come in. she suggested thinking of a word, like "stop" or "delete," and then saying it to myself whenever i started thinking about him.

 

i haven't been able to control my thoughts very much, although with time i have thought of my ex a lot less, which is a triumph in itself. for me the best thing was just finding something to keep my mind actively engaged in as an ALTERNATIVE to thinking about my ex. your mind needs to go somewhere else if it's not on the ex, and it has to be something that involves a lot of concentration, not just watching TV or something. in my experience, the best distracting forces are a) work and b) people. simple, but those have brought me the most success.

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I cant really tell you for sure since its been three months and I still think about my ex almost 24/7 but to varying degrees, little lesser as time goes by.

 

One thing that has helped is writing down all my thoughts whenever I can. It seems to be a little pressure valve and the thoughts of her arent as strong for a short time afterwards. Like my brain doesnt want me to forget about her but when I write stuff down its satisfied for a while.

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You have to grieve. I was in a similar situation a couple of months ago where I just couldnt get things out of my head. You have to cry, yell, scream, get it all out ON YOUR OWN. Make sure your smart about it and dont do something you will regret, but it does help. You're probably hearing all the cliche's about "time will heal all wounds" and stuff. I heard the same, but as much as you may or may not believe it right now it really does help.

 

Look around here. What surprised me the most was the amount of people who were going through the same, or similar things as I was and its helps a bunch.

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One thing that has helped is writing down all my thoughts whenever I can. It seems to be a little pressure valve and the thoughts of her arent as strong for a short time afterwards. Like my brain doesnt want me to forget about her but when I write stuff down its satisfied for a while.

 

good point! i also read somewhere that you should write down your feelings EVERY TIME you start to think of the ex. it gets to be such a pain to write all that stuff down that, eventually, you'll REALLY want to stop thinking about it. it's a method that takes quite a bit of dedication, but i don't doubt that it works.

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I agree, but disagree with joyce. One of the biggest things I have learned PERSONALLY is that life is way too short. Instead of dwelling on the past and what you had with whoever... No matter how hard you think things might be, if someone left you, or it didnt work out for whatever reason, there are billions of people in this world. NEVER FORGET THAT. Everything happens for a reason and if your meant to be, you are, otherwise dont EVER leave yourself missing out on "life" because of a previous relationship. It ended for a reason. Most people think that they will never find what they "had" because of the chemicals involved with life, relationships, and otherwise.

 

There are too many people, and too many things to do in this world to spend any amount of time dwelling on the past.

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Go to parties.

 

Hang out with beautiful members of the opposite sex.

 

Get wasted with some close friends (responsibly of course).

 

Watch action movies and comedies... or really anything BUT movies with intense love stories... i cant even watch Mr & Mrs Smith without getting depressed... but I have no problem with Wedding Crashers... damn thats a good movie

 

If you find yourself dwelling, just start telling yourself it's not worth it and there's better things in life worth your time, and tell yourself not get upset... I tell myself that over and over until the feelings go away and i start to feel better

 

I can't think of anymore right now

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I agree, but disagree with joyce. One of the biggest things I have learned PERSONALLY is that life is way too short. Instead of dwelling on the past and what you had with whoever... No matter how hard you think things might be, if someone left you, or it didnt work out for whatever reason, there are billions of people in this world. NEVER FORGET THAT. Everything happens for a reason and if your meant to be, you are, otherwise dont EVER leave yourself missing out on "life" because of a previous relationship. It ended for a reason. Most people think that they will never find what they "had" because of the chemicals involved with life, relationships, and otherwise.

 

There are too many people, and too many things to do in this world to spend any amount of time dwelling on the past.

 

oh, i completely agree with this. and when you immerse yourself in thoughts of the ex and have to write it down as a result, you are thereforeeee discouraged from having them if it means going through the hassle of writing it all. the point is that you think about it in the short-term, and punish yourself for doing so, to keep yourself from thinking about it in the long-term. so really, i am ALL FOR not dwelling in the past, and sometimes you need an initial kick in the butt to ensure that you don't dwell.

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i went to the book shop to read things about life etc horoscopes etc to help me as long as i leave the house it is fine

I watched tv and tried to read but cant at the moment

i concentrate on work and go to the park and read the papers

i look at how i can meet others

I think of things i havent done

 

I live by the philosophy someone here said that the person we were with robbed us of x amount of time and they shouldnt rob of any more.

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