NC isn't working..

[shikashika]

OK, I don't know if this is common or not... but I have had absolutely ZERO contact with my ex since the breakup.

 

Basically, he broke up with me out of the blue ( well.. out of the blue to me)on my lunch hour back in August... and I haven't MSN'd him, emailed him, accidentaly run into him... NOTHING... it seems like most peopel have one attempt at contacting after the rbeakup and then they do NC.. but I've had NOTRHING...

 

Its killing me....

 

being the typical woman.. I still want to know why.. because we never had any big fights, he never became distant, everyone I met seemed to think we were a great couple.. I finally felt I'd met someone who could be a best friend and a great lover... we went on trips together, but still did our own thing..

 

I guess because when I asked him why he wanted to break up he kept saying "I don't know".. and whne I asked him what was wrong he said, " I don't know"... I really don't know!! I asked him if he'd me anyone, run into a past flame, an old crush.. and he siad no nothing... I have zero idea...and I don't think I'll get an asnwer... but it is making it impossible for me to move on.

 

A couple friends of mine have run into him and said he tried to look the other way and avoided them.

 

I remember when I've broken up with someone, I don't try to avoid saying a simple "Hello" to his friends..

 

I guess I wonder , what is the difference between NC and avoidance? We go to the same gym, so I have been avoiding going the days he goes... but then I feel, why sholdl I have to change my schedule... its like I'm letting HIM control my life ?!? I was speaking to a friend of mine ( a guy) and he said by me avoiding him and having to re arrange my schedule, its giving my ex that control. My friend think I should continue to go to the gym... that way my ex will realise I can do just fine without him. By me not going I'm just letting my ex know that I'm not over him.

 

My friend believes I should be the mature one, keep going, give him a polite Hello... and nothing else.

 

I know this sounds really immature of me... and I wish I could just forget about him...(I'm nearly 30.. but soudns like a teenager!) but I think because I've had absolutely zero contact with him... I can't move on. I understand some people start NC after a week or so of emails saying "please take me back' or " I can change" or "what went wrong" or " we need to talk"... but I did nothing..

 

I'm more in the angry stage right now..

 

I guess I just find the NC isn't working...

 

AND I don't like the fact that I've had to change my plans because of him... dont' you think THAT is letting him have the control??... My male friends think I shoudl keep going to the gym because if he sees I'm fine and over him, then that will make him feel worse than if he thinks I'm sitting at home avoiding him and moping over him... and as my ex is a guy, shouldn't I trust my male friends advice??

 

geez, this is long... thanks for taking the time to read!

[Scout]

shikashika, I read your previous thread about the break up. Actually, he did say some things other than, "I don't know." I hate to bring them back up again, but what he added was that he wasn't sure if ever liked you, wasn't sure if he was that into you.

 

Harsh things to remember, but bear with me here while I try to explain why I bring them up.

 

You were with him for a few months, so you didn't really get to know him the way we know someone after we've been in a relationship with them for a very long time.

 

He was vague, yet distraught, when he broke up with you. There's a couple of possible scenarios that come to my mind that could explain the break up.

 

Scenario #1: Here is a guy who might have gone through this before. A guy who has had several short-lived relationships, and can't ever seem to get them right, have the feelings he needs to have.

 

Why he has these issues, I don't know, and he doesn't sound like someone who can talk about it himself. Or maybe doesn't even know himself.

 

Which means, you had the unfortunate experience of getting involved with a guy who has these issues.

 

Scenario #2: Perhaps he just sees that he needs something you don't have. Or maybe you have a quality or trait that he doesn't want, that's not a match for him.

 

As I told a good friend of mine recently, it sucks when the other person realizes first we're not a good match, but if we truly aren't an ideal match with someone, down the road we'll figure it out first if they don't. It's just a matter of who finds out first.

[shikashika]

thanks Scout!

 

I guess now I'm just tyring to find out a way of how to get over this ... or deal with it..

do I see him... or do I change my plans, change my schedule for him?

 

 

I know he doesn't want me... but I don't know if I should bother going ot a place where i willsee him... and I don't know if NC works for everyone..

 

I guess I THINK if I talked to him, got it off myc hest.. then *I* would feel better...

[Scout]

If you are changing an otherwise very convenient schedule just to avoid him, then I would say, no, don't. He's the one that initiated the break up, why should you have to go out of your way to not see him?

 

I understand you feel a bit shaken and insecure right now. But at the end of the day, life moves on, and you shouldn't have to throw a monkey wrench in your life because of a decision he made.

 

If you see him a few times, maybe at some point you'll feel at ease enough to talk to him. Or...and brace yourself for this revelation...you may discover you don't even have the desire to anymore!

 

Never underestimate the heart's capacity for healing.

[shikashika]

thanks for your advice Scout!

 

It IS inconvenient for me.. but I'm in that angry at him stage.. and still maybe once every few days or so think" what was wrong with me??"

[Scout]

Your feelings are completely understandable. Process 'em, let yourself feel 'em. Journal them. I find journaling when I'm under a great deal of stress, or pain, to be of immense help over time, because they actually help me crystalize my feelings and thoughts. And when I re-read them, that helps me gain more clarity, and sometimes even changes how I perceive something.

 

The one thing about being angry with him and seeing him at the gym at the same time is at least you can do an activity to blow off some steam!

 

For that reason, I suggest going to the gym whether you see him there or not.

[Jayar]

Hey,

 

I'm curious as to how you two got together? If you approached him, and/or did most of the pursuing, then your break up is simply a product of you never having been HIS choice. If he pursued you, got your attention, and PICKED you then it surprises me he'd even come to the conclusion he wasn't into you at all. So I'm just wondering if this is another case of woman pursuing man, falling in love, then getting hurt when the man is ready to move on.

[whoops]

dont change your plans for him - he doesnt know or has no balls to tell you why he broke up with you so forget it - just do your own thing and move on he is not worth it - one day you may find out but for now he is not willing to tell you and it isnt worth you upsetting yourself constantly.

 

Yes you are behaving like a teenager but hell i am in my early 30 s and so am i it happens when you are in love or relationships make you become about 5 - that is why we deal with them like some of us have on this forum and why the help here is invaluable.

 

Not sure how long you dated but go on look at others now - a man with no balls is not worth it.

[shikashika]

Hey,

 

I'm curious as to how you two got together? If you approached him, and/or did most of the pursuing, then your break up is simply a product of you never having been HIS choice. If he pursued you, got your attention, and PICKED you then it surprises me he'd even come to the conclusion he wasn't into you at all. So I'm just wondering if this is another case of woman pursuing man, falling in love, then getting hurt when the man is ready to move on.

 

Jayar,

 

he pursued me... and at the beginning it ws almost like I thought he was soo into me... and I was dating him because I thought he was a really nice guy and we enjoyed doing things together and the physical part was fantastic.

 

Gradually, I started to really like him.

 

And everyone around me said he seemed so into me...a nd how lucky I was... someoen even said he almost seemed desperatly into me ( which isn't always a good hting) but I thought it was endearing in this case

 

this is why I don't get it... He even hinted at toying around the big "L" and and I certainly wasn't ready at that time..

so this is why I'm at a loss.

 

Thank you for listening to my thread!

[shikashika]

thanks for listening ! I dont' even know what its like to contact my ex so I can't comment on your situation. I hope things improve for you too !

[sunwillshine]

Shika...For various reasons I had NC with my xbf...For a few weeks there wasn't a way for me to contact him (long story)...And I wanted to get things off my chest...I had things to say...but time passed...I wrote him letters (never sent) and just wrote and wrote and wrote...All the questions I had, they started to dwindle down to a few...then a couple...and then one day I realized HIS answers meant nothing to me...I wasn't even sure if he would even be honest anyway...My therapist had me have an "imaginary" conversation with him in her office...I haven't written a letter in months (its been just about 5 months)...it passes...the importance of "it", the reason, the answers...passes...

Take care of you...