Chibby33 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 My fiance packed and left a month ago. He was crying, said he still loves me, etc. I'm better now after getting closure from him. It's torture being dumped, but what do most dumpers go through? Same emotional distress? Worse? What goes through their heads? Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I think they may be a bit sad, feel some guilt over making you feel bad.... but I think their overwhelming feeling is RELIEF that the relationship is over. Most "dumpers" spend weeks, months, or years, trying to figure a way out of the relationship, and when it is done, I think they just feel relieved it is over. They have had more time to heal, because they started removing themselves from the relationship long before they did the actual breaking up. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 ellie - I understand what you were saying... I definitely feel like there are two classes of dumpers.... the ones that wanted to end the relationship, and the ones that had no choice, because of the way their partner was acting. I know that I've definitely been in a crappy relationship, he kept saying he wanted to be with me, but did nothing to show me, and treated me terribly! so finally I broke up with him. Not because I didn't care about him, but because I finally had enough emotional abuse. Dumpers were in the relationship *with* the dumpees. How can the break-up only impact one person when the relationship involved two people? very true.... Link to comment
TheFallenShadow Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Chibby, I am glad atleast that you have gotten closure. It is terrible and at times unbearable being the dumpee, but i dont know whats worse, being dump or not getting the closure, when the dumper walks away without a word.... Link to comment
Gold Hawk Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 don't think about what he may or may not be thinking. Re-direct your energies to your life and the journey you are on. Its a gorgeous day and the possibilities are endless... what are you gonna do with it? Wallow??? or take the tiger by the tail, go out and greet the world with a sense of adventure and revel in the possibilities??? Go out and enjoy your day!!! Link to comment
Dako Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Focus on your own future. Turning off that habitual care for your ex is hard, but the dumper's already moved from that phase. I worried about my dumper, and still care about her welfare, but overall, she made her decision and got what she needed. Now it's my turn. Link to comment
Chibby33 Posted September 23, 2006 Author Share Posted September 23, 2006 You all are correct. I do worry about him because I am the one with the house, car, money, good job, etc. Because he left, now he has to worry about paying rent, utilities, etc. I guess when we were together I was the main provider - actually the only provider. Oh well his loss I guess. At the end of the day when I look at what I have, I really didnt lose anything. Link to comment
Scout Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 what do most dumpers go through? Same emotional distress? Worse? What goes through their heads? You can't put dumpers in a group like that. Every break up is different, although there are definitely some reasons for breaking up that are more common than others. How the dumper feels depends on why they terminated the relationship. If it's because they fell out of love with the dumpee, I doubt highly it's the same emotional stress the dumpee is feeling. There's definitely probably guilt there, which causes it's own kind of pain, but it's not the gut-wrenching, pining pain the dumpee feels. There isn't any pain like that of unrequited love. If they left the relationship because the dumpee did something really horrid, then yes, I would imagine they are under a great deal of emotional stress. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 You can't put dumpers in a group like that. Every break up is different, although there are definitely some reasons for breaking up that are more common than others. Very true scout..... Link to comment
HappyKat Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Regardless of the circumstances, I think most of us wonder whether we truly did the right thing by dumping...at least for a little while... And we feel the pain of separation, even if it was by our own hand... For myself, there are feelings of longing, of 'what if?' and of love... We are not heartless... Link to comment
Gold Hawk Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 We are not heartless... No we arn't. Sometimes we're pushed into a no win situation that we simply have to walk away as a SELF-PRESERVATION mechanism. Isn't there an adage that says if you are in a plane that is crashing that you ..... APPLY the AIR BAG MASK over your own face first... and then follow suit for your neighbor. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself first before you take care of the other..... Sometimes... its better to let go so the other can learn to take care of themselves. I think my counselor put it best when she said that .. I the dumper experienced the PAIN... long before I actually did the dumping. And I was further in the "GRIEVING" cycle than the dumpee.... I had longer to process the information. Link to comment
TheFallenShadow Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 well if they are not heartless, then why cant they just answer the question why? that why the other can try and regroup and move on... Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 well if they are not heartless, then why cant they just answer the question why? that why the other can try and regroup and move on... what question??? Link to comment
TheFallenShadow Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 "No we arn't. Sometimes we're pushed into a no win situation that we simply have to walk away as a SELF-PRESERVATION mechanism. " my back side, its because maybe they are the one that is scared of loving, or hurting again, and its there own fears that drive them to be the dumper...nice way to give someone that truly fell in love false hope. As for the WHY? simple, why did you leave, break up, whatever you want to call it... Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 "No we arn't. Sometimes we're pushed into a no win situation that we simply have to walk away as a SELF-PRESERVATION mechanism. " my back side, its because maybe they are the one that is scared of loving, or hurting again, and its there own fears that drive them to be the dumper...nice way to give someone that truly fell in love false hope. As for the WHY? simple, why did you leave, break up, whatever you want to call it... I think it's true.... I think some breakups you just have to do. I know I have been in really emotionally abusive relationships and for SELF-PRESERVATION, *had* to leave. It's not about being scared of love, it's about being tired of being an emotional punching bag.... why don't you just ask your ex why they broke up with you? I feel I've gotten pretty solid answers in the past.... Link to comment
desertnomad Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I think they both can be true. Some people leave for self preservation because the situation is not healthy. Others leave because of fear of rejection. They reject you before you reject them whether you ever would have or not. These people just cant stay long enough to let a situation that isnt so bad become better. I think some peoples view of reality can be so twisted around by their fears and their deep seated insecurities or issues that leaving to them may always be seen as self preservation. When in reality it was just them following the same patterns in their life and listening to the same old voices. These people will always be starting over if they dont change. And so will the dumpees if we continue to have relationships with them. Link to comment
TheFallenShadow Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Well you know i would and have, but she hasnt spoken to me or emailed me...so i am left with the Whys..... Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Well you know i would and have, but she hasnt spoken to me or emailed me...so i am left with the Whys..... I read your post - you had a really bad situation right now! I don't think it's fair (or legal!) for your exgf to tell you you are not allowed to see your sons anymore! I recommend you see a lawyer and try to work out a custody agreement. i am sorry, you really are going through a tough time. Link to comment
TheFallenShadow Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 no, my XGF left me, my X wife, is the one that says i cant see my sons....sorry for the mix up...im going through a really tough time right now... Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 yikes!!! so much going on! I will respond to your post on your thread. Link to comment
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