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breaking self punishment/blame - been there?


itsallgrand
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I debated whether to put this in Healing after break-up or here. It's a combo of both i guess, but the q has to do with growth. thx.

 

Very often as I feel bad today, I bust out crying. It's really ridiculous. I feel immobilized and stuck today. Didn't even want to get out of bed.

Just vegged. Baked up lots of food, been on computer, walked - that's it.

Tomorrow is an important night to a friend - i'm already dreading it. That's not a good sign to me, so this may be a bit long and ranty.

 

Last night the ex contacted me. And I told him off. I was really enraged inside, like crazy person enraged that he made contact.

Since I didn't expect it, I hadn't bothered to change any of my numbers or accounts. I mean, we left off good and understanding (as far i knew).

 

I over reacted. It was very clumsy and too aggressive. Yet, I can't say I regret stopping the contact right there.

My decision was made, I feel I have to stick with it, and last night reaffirmed it. Nothing has changed to make it possible for us to work right now.

 

In fact, I'm super vulnerable and all-over-the-map right now.

 

Time for some brute honesty. My self-esteem is in the can. My moods are all over. My communication is splotchy and rather than being assertive in personal relationships: it usually borders close to aggression.

 

I'm (no longer) violent, that isn't even an option anymore. That's not the concern or what I mean. Yes, I have been violent before. It doesn't feel good to know that, I know I was wrong. But that is part of my past.

 

I feel like a nervous animal. On guard. Nervous. Sometimes paranoid. Sometimes hysterical. Unstable. Untrustworthy.

Instead of telling you what I feel - you'd hear nothing or opinions.

Later, I might be snappy or pick a fight.

 

This is everything I never wanted to be. This is why I need to be alone and know me. Assert I. No longer feel ashamed or guilty.

 

And I do, I feel really really guilty when there is something I need or want.

 

I'm finding that my first, automatic reflex is the punish response.

I automatically punish myself, and it's been beyond my conscious recognition.

 

I see this pattern: A sad feeling starts, I freeze, I panic inside, I hear a little voice in my head saying "You're stupid" or "You're weak!", I punish myself in some way (more on that later), A sad feeling starts....

 

But today, today, at the part where I punish myself in some way comes in;

I have been freezing and bawling my eyes out.

The sadness passes, comes back later...and so it is going.

 

It happens the same when I feel good or proud: shame, guilt, punish.

 

Occasionally, I can bypass it altogether. I'm trying to build myself back up.

I feel like I have tasted something beautiful, but it was just a sampler. One little hill, lots left to go.

 

And i'm really tired. Of course! This kind of life is exhausting. (which makes me want to punish myself ).

 

Major areas to cleanse:

*the self-pitying

*the lashing out for attention

*the withdrawl

*the self hate talk

*constantly thinking of the past

 

.....................................................

 

My major question right now is: tips to break the punish-self response?

 

I've been trying to think of a good substition when that urge/reflex pops up, but like I said, today has mainly been crying. It feels against all inside me to do something good for myself at that moment - so i'm thinking the answer must be something simple?

I dunno, if you've found a way let me know eh.

 

I remember now deep in my body - Yeah, I have needs, and they are important to me, dammit!

I want to feed them, but they get bogged out so quickly with the mean-to-self stuff. So I'm thinking maybe a combo-attack.

 

A supportive nudge would be lovely. Thanks for reading and listening to this all.

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Since age 12 I've been living with that voice in my head, that constant soundtrack of doubt, disgust, despair and distortion. I am and have always been my own worst enemy.

 

There have been many days, weeks, months and even years where I have chosen "not to" i.e. refused to get out of bed. I've also tried other things to appease that voice, such as self-mutilation, binge eating, drugs, just to name a few and believe me the list goes on and gets even more twisted and bizarre than that.

 

But the good news is that a little over two years ago I had an epiphany and realized that something needed to be done to silence that voice. I had two options, one being suicide and the other being murder, and by murder I mean the willful intent for me to not only confront, but to also "kill" those damaging aspects of myself.

 

Well it's quite obvious which option I chose.

 

By confronting the voice I realized that I was not crazy, that its soundtrack was set into motion by my abusive father. I realized that this damaging voice was ultimately the result and reaction from having been severely damaged in my past. Just knowing and understanding that fact brought an immense sense of relief.

 

As for killing the voice, that's been a daily struggle. Even on great days, it still remains silent yet dormant. What I find works well for me is the second that voice starts chiming in with its two negative cents, I tell it to shut up, I tell it it's wrong, I tell it to go F itself, or sometimes I laugh at it because the thoughts it is spewing are nothing less than ridiculous.

 

I hope this helps?

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I call those voices The Committee, and they once worked over time on me.

 

The Queen above has summed it up nicely. That is silencing the voices. It is a daily struggle for me as well. If i catch those negative thoughts early enough i can stop it from progressing, if not i need to still be aware to shut it up once it starts steam rolling.

 

I have learned they are only thoughts, and they reflect nothing about who i am today, they are a reminder of how i once use to think, and view myself.

 

I have a choice today to no longer believe those thoughts, in order to extract the power and energy they once held over me. It is not easy, it has been 30 plus years of conditioning for me to try and put an end to, but it can be done.

 

Their is a saying, a mantra if you will... try to remember this when going through the negative thought cycle ..

CHANGE A THOUGHT MOVE A MUSCLE.

 

We choose what we think and we ca nchange what we think as well, whin in tiurn will alter our feelings.

 

So think of something else, or go for a walk ofr any other sort of action.

 

The key i am learning is to try and keep my mind where my body is. In the present.

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That's very helpful. Thanks RQ, brando, keef. I don't feel so crazy now.

 

Today was better. I think you're right, RQ, about recognizing them as someone's voice - and that feels like a relief.

 

I was listening, and I could even hear the voice tone and inflection - I know whose voice that is now!

 

Little jerk is a predator, coming when I'm tired or stressed. Just knowing that gives me strength. It's just me - I can control it.

 

You are fantastic, people. Thanks for understanding.

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