I need to get my feelings out...

[qwertie]

Sorry for the long post, but I have so many thoughts going through my mind that I need to get them out...thanks for having this site and allowing me to do so..

 

about 1 month and half ago my partner of 7 years and I stopped the relationship.

 

The short story (sort of) is he hurt me badly 4 years into the relationship and continued to do so for the last 3. I was never able to forgive him completely I realised. We collected so much baggage and negativity that he withdrew from me emotionally. We grew apart, but stayed friends within the relationship. I felt that there was no connection anymore.

 

Over the last three years I realised that this is a relationship I didnt want to be in anymore and the feeling got worse the last 6 months of our relationship. I told him this 6 weeks ago. We talked and talked, he realised a few things himself. He said the reason he could do the things that hurt me the last couple of years was because he had also withdrawn romantically from me. So the obvious flirting and collecting phone numbers came easy.

 

He also said that I didnt treat him well, and after thinking about it for some time I have to agree to some extent. I always had the feeling that he still needed to make up for what he did. I felt he never loved me the way he should, he said he loved me the only way he knew how and that he did try his best. He said that I made him feel like the bad guy because I always had to drag the past back into our relationship.

 

Anywayz, he says he doesnt know what the future may bring. sometimes he acts like we can have a future in a couple of years or sometimes in 6 months. My take on the situation is that I cant hang on a string so I'm going to take it as a permanant break up. I'm looking for my own home at the moment and he is helping with this.

 

When we split I was very sad and at times wanted him back and would call when I was down, he said that feeling is normal but it gets better with time.

 

While I was having trouble getting over the split. He was getting closer to a girl who works for him. They would sleep in their cars together, support each other as she was also having problems with her boyfriend. He says he fell for her pretty hard and hoped that they would have gotten together. I know all this cause he told me, while we were still maintaining our "friendship" after the break up. Later I learned a few other hurtful things that happened which he left out earlier. She told him that they will only be friends as she is going to stay with her boyfriend. She also mentioned that she sees my ex only as a good friend. He recently told me that he gave her a peck on the cheek and later she returned the favour and rubbed his back. He liked it of course, but still believes she didnt mean it more than as a gesture of friendship. I think she is growing to like him in the way he wants. He spends as much time as possible with her cause she is fun to be around, no baggage, and he thinks that they can have something nice together. She even matches what he wants in a woman physically. He would call me up and hang around when she wasnt available.

 

Anyway, I told him that I no longer want to hear what is happening with his friendship with this girl as it is not nice for me to hear and difficult to deal with. He agreed.

 

I really hope that nothing happens with them cause he fell for her so fast and and only heard nice things about her while he said he didnt feel any positvie feelings for me. I feel as if he finally found the woman of his dreams and it isnt me. He even told me that if wouldnt want to share her with anyone and he is even willing to overlook the things in her personality wish clashes with his - something he had problems doing with me. The last thing he told me was that he was planning on putting some distance between him and the girl (she's 11 yrs younger than him, 7yrs younger than I) cause it hurts him to be so close to her and not be together. But I know he has been saying that for the last couple of weeks and he hasnt been able to do it so far. I know I shouldnt really care, but I do.

 

Well, the pain has gotten less, I think yesterday I began to realise again why I wanted out of the relationship in the first place. I needed more than a "fun guy" to have around. Some maturity is good! But I still crave the good times we have together as a couple.

 

I joined a dating site and had a "date" last wednesday, but it didnt feel right so I know I am not ready for dating yet. I need to keep myself occupied as he was my only going out friend to have fun and I am not a very outgoing person. I always take my time to get close to people. I know I have a difficult journey ahead of me...

 

And I know I didnt start this new journey the best way I should.. you see there is this new guy....

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I am glad that you are moving on and know what you want in life.

[qwertie]

wow.. that's a really long post.. the new guy post will be less ... sorry..

 

I met him while I was still with my partner in a club. He said I baiscally told him to give me his number. I dont remember it being that way, but who knows I could have been trying to make a point with my ex.

We meet in the club, I knew he was looking at me while I was dancing and when cantact was made, we kept staring at each other intensely.. way too intense

 

we had contact for a while, his reason being that I am from the same part of the world his current girl was... we text, we smsed, kept it all superficial. He said he would cook for us, I invited him over to cook for us. I told him we can be friends, flirt a bit but dont think it will be getting sexual.. he said I tacked a "yet" at the end of the sentence. He probably is right.

 

Fast forward two months later, we met up few times, we got intimate and I dont know what to do with this relationhip because:

 

1) I'm still stuck on my ex

2) he is still stuck on his ex

3) he is 7 years younger than I am

4) I really like being with him

 

Now I am confused all over again. We had a "talk" about what our relationship is and decided to just see how it goes. But if someone is developing long term serious feelings, that person should let the other know.

 

While he emails are getting less, the contact is getting less personal, he contacts me almost every day. I have a text message from him yesterday I still havent answered. I know I'm letting him slip away and I know I'll regret not spending time with him

 

I think I need time on my own...I dont know what to do with him and whatever we have...

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

After reading your second post, sorry to say that you are as confusing as your ex husband are.

 

"While he emails are getting less, the contact is getting less personal, he contacts me almost every day. I have a text message from him yesterday I still havent answered. I know I'm letting him slip away and I know I'll regret not spending time with him"

 

This new guy is dating you while he still has a girl friend is a big red flag to me. Besides that you are also doubting on this relationship.

 

If both of you want a full blown relationship, it is at best both of you cut ties from the exes and commit to each other.

 

When you are not sure about the relationship, you could take a break and sort your thoughts out. Please do not string him along, it is not healthy for you and him.

[qwertie]

the new guy doesnt have a girl, he broke off his relationship with his girl about a month before my relationship ended. He is single. I do not meddle in other people's relationships.

 

I went to the movie with the new guy and while I know I do I have feelings for him on some level, I realise that for most part he is around to keep me company, to ease the pain of being alone. We've talked about what we are doing with each other and figured it was ok, as long as no one gets hurt. But you know what, I dont like being a rebound girl in a rebound relationship.

 

I spoke to my ex today (he came over to help sort out our stuff) and did his confusing act again: Hinted that we were so good together as friends and being together and it's a pity so many issues are still between us, that maybe in months we will get back together. He also said he hopes to find someone with which he can have the same feeling.

 

I no longer think that his hints are signs of us getting back together, but it does make me sad being with him. I do miss his companionship, however, I still find it hard to forgive him for the things he did in the past.

 

What I am busy doing is realising things about myself that I never paid attention to before. I've lived most, if not all my life, behind a shield trying to protect myself. I dont know how much of an influence that shield has had on my past relationships, but I do see what it has done with my new contact and I fear it will negatively impact any other relationships.

[Chibby33]

Not sure about you and the new guy jumping into a new relationship when there's still unfinished business and emotional attachment with each of your ex's. I would think twice - yes it may make you forget about your ex and may make you feel better but it just a temporary fix. Your fall will be harder and worse because at the end of the day, you and the new guy are still thinking about your ex's. You need to recover on your own - go through the emotional heal first. But then it's your call dear. Good luck!

[qwertie]

i know you're saying the right thing Chibby. Believe me i do ...

 

I'll just have to concentrate on getting my house and getting my act together...

 

It's sometimes just so much easier to go the easy way out than the more difficult one...