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Cant open my own email.

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That's right. I went as far as opening new email accounts and ignoring this old one. The same effect happened when I went to Italy this year. I didn't want to check my email because I wanted to escape everything that was English and associated with this side of the world, and didn't check the email at all until I got back. Didn't turn out anything that fruitful that I missed.

Before I went I left two weird messages to two girls saying I was leaving, and leaving some 'music' for then.


Now, it's happening again. I sent a bunch of emails to that girl and she sent one back. I couldn't bother reading it, and told her I cant read it until October 25th, because I assumed it would have 'rejection' content, and I wanted any 'rejection' to be experienced on that date (even explained that to her too).


Now after sending that, I feel 'shut-down' on that specific email address and dont think I want to open my email until that date - like some sort of self-hypnotism or email twilight zone, maybe it's classical conditioning (negative reinforcement) or something.


I'm not sure what I'm worried to see, another reply from her, or maybe not, I just cant put my finger on it, but it's like, I just dont want to open my email. I also got a letter from a client saying they didn't want to buy a resale home with me and went for a new home instead from the builder. I've made new email business accounts ANYTHING -because it seems I just dont want to open my old email. Like I want a vacation from my own email address.


The email has a long history of weird stuff since it's inception in 2003. The two girls on the Beta-rejection threads were all communicated on that address. Four escorts were communicated with on that address in the past (although nothing happened, some of the communications were nasty). I dont if it's all of that, something specific, or what's wrong in general, but I just want to disassociate my self-identity from that email address. I no longer want it to be me.


Oh well, at least it's quaranteened to my email address. Everything else is ok, no other funny phobias or behaviours. I'd likely look at it if I was forced to do it if I knew something important was on it. Did some sort of psychological conditioning occur, hypnotism, did I somehow program my mind to not look at my own email?


I'm thinking of opening my email maybe next month sometime to check it, or maybe in the future when I'm ready. My mother said this girl would send me in the madhouse if I get involved with her, and now I see why.

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I've determined the reason - I do not fully understand myself completely, but it seems to be my way of dealing with some sort of 'problem' that is beyond my comprehension.


It was caused when that girl, (seems obsessed with, other girls in life that would like to see me, have not followed up on them, hung up on this one person) sent an email - I just lost all my strength, could not read her email, and could not access my inbox and could only send emails to her - I cant even go on MSN (part of psychological lockdown)


What has happened is that I have found myself continuing to send emails - mainly disclosing what went on inside my mind during July 1st - and dealing with these following emotional facts or data:


- I like her, she likes someone else, but doesn't like me.

- I choose to be with my parents rather than her, thus tragically, she slept with another guy, thereforeeee staying with my parents is not a good idea and I should move out.

- There is another girl - whose birthday is on October 31st - that also strung me along when she had someone else. Hence, October 25th - goes a few days earlier to hide Halloween.

- This is a weird girl herself who wore black on July 1st.


Thus, all of these together, seem to show a noxious subconscious soup of negative psychological conditioning, where the whole affair may be a subconscious manifestation of beliefs - or the subconscious mind may have affected results in the outside world.


The belief that if I truly like someone, they will not like me back, but will like someone else seems like a cancerous type of subconscious program - because it seems like certain events seem to happen - in my face.


(eg. she could have gone with the other guy at any time, but why would it be when she had made a commitment to me, and in the space of a couple of weeks, rather than any OTHER time. Or, another ex, as soon as I express romantic interest, she's not interested, but in a space of a week or so, goes with someone else. Again - 'in my face' type of occurrences could show a maladaptive subconscious program process).



Current psychological lock-downs:


- unable to go on MSN. Background:

- I was chatting with her, while she was chatting with other guys at the same time, and I thought I was only chatting with her. Since that time, I didn't like going on MSN to talk to her.

- Recently, I went on MSN, found her website, since then wrote some stuff down, unable to go on MSN again.


- unable to go on email (leisure - can access work emails).

- She sent an email in reply to several, could not view it, or look at my email.

- In the past she sent emails maintaining her friendship and she's not trying to blow me off.


Reason is something averse or negative is seen. An 'Exit' strategy has been determined. The person that has caused it, or is the subject of it, will be asked to meet and disclose the truth by Monday next week, or contact me on my cell (since I cant read emails) prior to the scheduled meeting time.


I have determined, that if she doesn't show up on Monday at the proposed meeting, which I will confirm Saturday 6:00pm until Sunday at 6:00 pm, and TELL ME TO MY FACE what she tried to say by email, or would like to communicate, or call me on my cell to reschedule, that I will go on my email account, delete all her emails (without reading them), delete her entry on my MSN - and thus liberate myself so I can use my own email account and MSN account.


Seems like some weird psychological process is occurring that has never happened before - like I'm coming face to face with my subconscious mind and my fears pertaining to women and discovering various truths, and possibly discovering myself.


When you dont understand yourself, you feel like you are crazy, and sometimes that feels overwhelming. In a sense, I'll be crazy until next Monday, then I'll be well enough to use MSN or my old email, and move on and go after other people.

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While writing this account, about subconscious mind and women, my parents, were talking about it. Coincidence? They were talking about something I was writing about - how some guys have a poor state of mind and ultimately lose the woman to someone else. No matter how good they treat the women, they always go for someone else that treats them poorly.


* * * - while I was writing this. How is this coincidence accounted for? They dont know what I'm writing, they are in another room. The subconscious mind may be very powerful.

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The processing of 'emotional hypotheticals' and sending them to a host - without looking for a reply, but just sencing 'feedback' spiritually - appears to be a new form of telepathic communication - or way the mind appears to be dealing with itself. A new psychological process may be described somewhere in this thread that I dont have a label for.


Hopefully a trained psychologist reading this thread would provide insights:

- symbolism by dates.

- symbolism by types of girls (i.e. - the weird girl - something 'weird about her', fascinated, but as soon as I'm interested, get 'imaginary relationships', and find out after the fact she had sex with someone else and get shattered).

Archetype girl (birthday October 31st).

Second girl - weird Indian church girl - was divorced from arranged marriage and had a bizzarre history.

Third girl - weird half Indian girl meet off the net - into weird books and stuff, felt connected to her 'weirdness')


Same thing happened again - some weird obsession takes place and they end up going with some other guy.




Is this a psychological condition? Is this a personality configeration?

What is wrong with me? Clinical terms or concepts are being looked at, rather than common sense emotional advice, which I got in the other threads.


Since the problem is localised to specific areas - and doesn't appear to escalate enough to get me into trouble with the law or on my job, I'm not at the time seeking any therapy, and feel this latest problem will simply resolve itself on Monday. If it goes on further than that date, then I may seek therapy.

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