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Does dating always result in a goal?


Gold Hawk
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How long does it take to heal from a bad break-up? How long does it take to want a relationship? How long does it take to trust again?

 

I've been divorced for four years. I've tried dating and I am ok with it. I love to go out and meet new people and have fun. But I am so not ready for a relationship. How do I know? Anytime anyone starts getting close to me... I run for the hills. I find the nearest hole and I dive like a scared rabbit.

 

I love my life the way it is. I love being on my own. I love the peace, traquility and solitude. I come from a large family... and they pretty much keep me busy and fufill that "family" acceptance, belonging thing.

 

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy male comapionship, but not as a live in, or a BF, or gosh forbid husband material. I've lost that need or that naviette' that I had as a young 20 year old, many moons ago. Am I such a bad person that I do not need a CONSTANT Mr. Someone in my life?

 

Does Dating always have to result in some kind of end result... goal???

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^^ hello there

U have to work on ur spritual part &leave the physical aside now ,u will find urself after little while ready to indulge in new relationship ,but keep in ur mind to follow ur brain not ur heart&emotions so after ur brain choose the right perminant spouse grant him all ur emotions &u will find urself in eternal felicity. hope u will find MR right perminantly

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I'd guess a few years to be ready for another serious relationship is pretty common, providing you want one. You seem happy with your life, so why worry?

 

You did mention trust issues, though, and of course I wonder if a loss of trust plays a part here. Running like a scared rabbit? Maybe you have a fear to overcome.

 

I like your question about dating having a goal. Many see dating as an interview process in the search for a relationship, but I often wonder if that overlooks the simple pleasures of enjoying company without major demands.

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Does dating have to result in some kind of end result/goal?

 

I don't think so, in the strictest sense; but in general, it's probably best that both daters are on the same page or share a similar idea of what they both want.

 

Maybe you just need some time on your own to re-figure out who you are and how you now 'define' yourself----which is totally understandable after a divorce. People heal at different rates.

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I don't think it does as long as both people are on the same page - and that can be tricky particularly if one person says he/she is fine with casual dating but secretly wishes/hopes for more. What I would not advise is being intimate with more than one person at a time for both health and emotional reasons.

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The answer to your questions is that I guess that there is not a set time as each one of us is different and thereforeeee it is very much up to the individual involved and what they have experienced in life with the ex.

 

In my case my ex both mentally and physically abused me and went onto have an affair with a woman he was working with and went back to her on three occasions,the last being when I caught him out.I still have some issues three years after finally breaking up with him.I have a boyfriend now but because of the way my ex treated me and the scars that have been left there have been and there are still times when my confidence is running low and I as a result have become over sensitive.Time, they say is a great healer and I hope one day I will be fully healed as I am sure you will be.In the meantime enjoy yourself,respect yourself and just take things as they come.

 

Peacex

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Dako....

 

I am happy with my life. I question if this is "NORMAL" Not to want any sort of permanacy in a relationship. Any shackle. Any thumb over me. Any possesive pronoun attached to my person. Some in my family would say..."what do you mean you want to be single forever?

everyone wants someone. Everyone needs someone."

 

Sure...trust may play an issue. I'm exploring that piece of baggage. However, it difficult to not know what you know. Unlearn what you have learned isn't it. The naive virgin eyes that I viewed relationships with is gone. The pretty flowery words and gestures have all been played before. I've heard that song before. Over and over again. "I LOVE YOU"...

yep ok... what does that mean. You almost want to choke with laughter and say.. "Yeah ok..have heard that sentiment before." And yes... that is so unfair that I'm such an ungracious recipient. I think that it takes a lot more than a few dates or a few stolen moments for "LOVE" to build.

 

I've gone out on dates and have had men tell me within a few dates they want to marry me and speak their undying devotion to me. My response..."Thats nice" and I turn tail and run. I've had friends I've gone out with start planning out life till the last breath.

 

Here's one for you. I had one date with a man who immediately wanted me to quit my job,

pack my bags and move 6 states over.

 

I love the words of Rodney King... "Can't we all just get along?" I'd change it to say...

 

"Can't we all just go out and be friends"

 

"I like your question about dating having a goal. Many see dating as an interview process in the search for a relationship, but I often wonder if that overlooks the simple pleasures of enjoying company without major demands."

 

EXACTLY... I am one of those rare female mammels that want the simple pleasures of enjoying the company of a man without demands, nooses, restrictions, or salutaions attached to me. I'd love to attend a play or concert alone...however its ever so much more wonderful sharing that time with a friend.

 

I think my question stems from the constant Gorrilla Warfare I have to wage with my male friends. Everytime I go out with someone new... inevitably I'm put on the spot and have to either to back them up... put them in their place... or stop going out with them because they all want something more from me. Something I just am not ready to give yet. And I'm not talking about the physical end of the relationship... I'm ok with all that

haven't completely lost my marbles.

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Goldie,

 

Is is possible you may someday meet a guy you won't run from?

I don't mean that as a trite dismissal of your views, but a real question.

 

When I first was dumped I went out alone for meals and coffee and whenever a woman even looked at me too much I'd leave, often leaving my coffee or food, and drive away. I barely trusted close friends over minor matters.

 

We all heal and become unique people. Maybe you've become a happily single lady. There are guys who would "companionship" you without glomming on. I hope you meet more of them.

 

Date

[Origin: 1275–1325; (n.) ME

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I used to think dating was to get married, but I don't anymore.

 

I'm happy having a friend that is also a lover (and no its not friends with benefits) its deeply caring for them like you do for your best friend, but then there is also a deeper love that is beyond just friendship. Does the relationship need a goal? I think the goal or purpose is to enjoy each other and spend time being together.

 

There are too many goals set up for our lives by what others think we should do, I happen to think that my life is my choice and I don't need to be married, have kids, and do all that, so dating is a different idea for me than it will be for the next person.

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Everyone has their own pace at which things happen. Healing can take a long time or it just could be that a full fledged relationship is not something you want to get into at the moment. As long as you are happy with what you have in your life then you will be fine. When you want to start spending time with a special someone then you know you're ready.

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I guess i'm an old romantic as I think that there is someone out there for everyone.I was not 'looking'for love when I first got chatting to my fella in fact I was busily trying to sort out the aftermath of a break up with the previous.I had sworn that I would not be getting involved with anyone else for as long as I lived but eh it happened and here I am three years later with the same guy.If a soul mate is your cup of tea with all the trimmings that is fine so too the companionship of a friend.

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Hi Everyone,

 

I would like to put my two cents in ...lol

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with your desire to date with no purpose.... i think that is a very healthy place for you to be.

 

I think society has conditioned women..and some men ..but mostly women... that our worth is tied up in whether or not there is a "man" in our life.

 

I have struggled with the same question myself...is it normal..that i love my life...and really don't see the need to have a man in my life?

 

I have decided that for me at that particular time in my life..the answer was yes. I believe ..because i was in a rocky relationship as well...that somewhere along the lines I lost the value of what a good healthy relationship has and how much it can add to your life.

 

But ..the way you feel is the way you feel.... you should stand tall and be happy that you are independent and you don't "need" a man..that if one of these "dates" should turn into something... you will welcome it...simply because you don't "need" it.

 

I hope this babbling makes sense....lol

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Dako...

 

I don't know if there will ever be a man I won't run from when the waters get deep. That I can't answer.... lost my crystal ball.

 

And no... Ahmed, I'm not sleeping with all my friends.. heaven forbid. Give me some credit here.

 

I'm not that skiddish of a rabbit where I run at a mere glance either. I happen to like spending time with my friends.

 

Carnileanbutterfly... EXACTLY. Not a friend with benefits no. But a friend you can spend time with and be intimate without boundaries being forced on you.

 

I've done the boyfriend/girlfriend phase in my teen years.

 

I've done the marriage thing in my 20's and 30's.

 

I have children. I don't need that piece of paper to allow me to procreate and make my children legitimate. They are here. They are loved and they are legitimate.

 

I am very much in a phase of my life of rediscovering myself. Discovering new likes, dislikes and loves. Feeling out my world and seeing what it has to offer and what I can offer it. I feel fortunate that I am a product of this day and age and I have "Options" I don't need a man to define me. And yet... I continuously run into men who want the brass ring. Isn't that supposed to be a female trait??? lol.

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I often consider the young adult years to be an acquisition phase where cars, houses and spouses are gathered in a flurry of activity. After that, sometimes things look way different. Maybe I'm jaded about the stuff, but love seems even more amazing.

 

Thanks for sharing some of your insights!

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I have children. I don't need that piece of paper to allow me to procreate and make my children legitimate. They are here. They are loved and they are legitimate.

I very much agree with you on this. I don't care what people think about children from single parents, they are no less a person because their parents haven't been married.

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I can agree with that. The plan all seemed to be layed out in the open didn't it.

 

You finish Highschool and go on to college. You find a special someone to be with. You date. You land your first real job. You maybe dating for a few months and people ask..."when are you getting married?". You wile away the hours with your partner and plan on having that house in the burbs, white picket fence and 2.3 children. And then you marry. You scurry like rats trying to make all ends meet. You dot the "i" cross the "T's" have your children. Pay all your bills. Change jobs and homes. Upgrade upgrade upgrade. Mayhap even keep up with the Jone's. And then one day..."POOF"... you wake up and you find yourself on the other side of divorce and wonder... "what in the he11 do I do now".

 

Confusious say... don't make same mistake twice. hmmmm... exactly where did I go wrong? so you start going through that baggage with a fine tooth comb. And... you try to live. You try to figure out just what you're gonna do with the rest of your life.

 

On the up-side... you do discover that there are many things you haven't done in a long time. There are many dreams that lay dormant. There is so many things for you to see and do.

 

The plan??? ahhhhh there is no pre-written plan. Divorce is still a fairly new concept and still bears "some" stigma. grin. So you wing it. And write your own script.

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I very much agree with you on this. I don't care what people think about children from single parents, they are no less a person because their parents haven't been married.

 

At one time I would have held a more traditional view on children born out of the bounds of matrimony. I don't feel that way anymore. I've seen people who should NOT be together. All they do is hurt the children with the picture they are potraying of how a "relationship" should be. Those children grow up having many difficulites in maintaining "normalcy" in a relationship.

 

Yes... it is the most benefitial to a child to have two stable parents. Agreed. However...if a child has ONE parent who is responsible, loving, caring and tends to thier needs... more power to them.

 

Having just gone through a divorce... what shocked me the most was the way that my "x" saw me as a possession. He saw the loss of $$ and stuff and future $$. That piece of paper.... gave him ownership over me and my earning potential. There was no "ME" in this relationship. He suffered the loss of comfort that I brought to him monetarily and pysically. Amazing.

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