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looking for my desire


embracemydesire
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I feel stupid, lazy, and dishonest. I feel like I've cheated myself and others.

 

In school, I was regarded as very smart -- honors, et cetera. My 8th grade year was fantastic but my transition to 9th grade was devasting. I went from being popular, the beautiful girls, and passion for life to being ditched by my best friends. My self-esteem was destroyed. I ended up partying more to regain my friends. I had my friends back, but I stopped honors classes and ended up barely graduating. I still was depressed.

 

I look back at see ridiculous stupid mistakes I made, over and over. Stupid ideas or people who influenced me to think the wrong way.

 

I cut corners and short changed myself. In college, I started a business with a friend. It wasn't easy, but we kept moving forward with it. I quit college to pursue it. When thing didn't go well (and after 9/11), I became very depressed. Slowly but surely I came out of it and put things back in order.

 

Later on I went on a vacation with a friend. When I came back, my whole world was destroyed. I was falsely accused of something I didn't do, but it happened at a time when I was fighting with my family. Several things happened all at once. I voluntarily went to a psychiatric evaluation and was told I was okay and released. However, a day or so later I was arrested again. I was revisited in jail by a psychiatric evaluator who had a page of of half-truths about me. I was moved to a hospital for a 72-hour evaluation. Being in jail for something I didn't do really aggrevated me. I ended up leaving the hospital against the rules. I was arrested again. After a mild disagreement with another patient, the staff forced medication on me which I refused. They're was a struggle and the next four days of my life I don't remember (I was heavily sedated).

 

apparently I was paraded in court during that time in an orange jumpsuit with my hands and feet shackled (for a misdemeanor charge). When I woke up I was in a maximum security evaulation center in a prison hours from my hometown. I was there for a month with other patients, all on felony charges like rape, armed robbery, and even murder.

 

After my release, I had my court case to handle. It took over a year with threats from a prosecutor about felony charges if I didn't plead guilty, but I maintained my innocence and they dropped all the charges against me. (There was actually video tape evidence of my innocence).

 

My reputation, my life, everything was destroyed. I wanted to sue, my lawyer said I had a guaranteed case, but we never did. I went on and everything was well for awhile. I focused on my ambitions and kept moving forward.

 

Several years later I again was arrested for false charges, this time beaten by police (on video tape), was taken to a hospital for the injuries, and then to jail (for misdemeanors). Later I was falsely charged with 2 felonies (first time in my life) and held in jail for 30-days. Then they decided to drop all the charges and release me. It happened in a notoriously corrupt city.

 

I feel so wronged by this. I accept responsibility for where I am in life and I know I'm at fault for somethings. But being falsely charged twice in my life, held for 30-days each time, and the charges dropped is hard to reconcile. People don't believe you. They still blame me.

 

For someone who was so smart, I feel so stupid. I wish I could personify my true desire and stop being lazy, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop everything and reinvigorate my life. I feel like a tremendous failure. One of my main motivations has been to fight back for being falsely charged and clear my name by a lawsuit.

 

I also feel lucky, I still have my business through all of this. I'm decent looking and have some very positive things, but I think I've just been tramuatized and have never had a real chance to express my feelings. I just ignored them, always remained positive and tried to replace my hurt with frivalous things.

 

The one amazing thing that I've learned is that everyone has felt the way I do, everyone has made mistakes, everyone has been slighted by life an unfair ways, but not everyone reacts by doing nothing, or wallowing in pity, maybe for a period of time. At some moment, you just have to grow up, rationalize the things you can, forgive the things you can't and make your life better for today and tomorrow. I know only I can do that and that I'm only worthy of it if I work hard.

 

May I fully embrace my desire and let it bring me everything I need.

 

Thanks for listening/reading.

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Welcome to ENA and thanks for sharing your story. It seems so unfair for these things to happen as a matter of circumstance rather than evidentiary. The system has failed in the past and it continues to fail today. What you have to do is the equivalent of being born again in a sense, not necessarily in the Christian meaning. You have to forgive yourself for your own mistakes as well as forgive those who have brought these injustices against you. Find peace in this forgiveness and move forward as a cleansed and vindicated warrior. You have great insight now of how being judged unfairly is a common occurrence, whether it be in our legal systems or in everyday life. You have survived and now you will thrive.

 

RC

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