Am I that bad???

[theglide96]

My wife and I were married in Florida, in April. We then move here to SC in July. Our relationship has been very rocky ever since. It has been several months and she has finally gotten a job. Sha had a temp job in the mean time but we have successfully blown through most of our savings and are stuggling to make ends meet. Our sex life has been less that existent, which has been hard. I took it upon myself to keep myself satisfied. I started to spend more time looking at porn sites and browsing the net. I received a bulk/junk email from link removed in my stupidity I responed and made up a stupid profile that made me out to be lonely and wanting to find a discret partner. After posting the profile I never returned to the site and ignored all emails that came from the site. I truthfully had no intentions of having sex with another woman. To try to make along story short my wife hacked into my email and read all the unread emails. All emails from the site required that you pay money to veiw profiles and what-not. I never responded to a single email nor did I ever enter the site agian. The day I logged on initially I was browsing the pics as a type of porn.I realize this was stupid and not very honest way to treat our relationship but now my wife wants to leave me. I hope I can get some feedback. maybe I dont understand how bad my actions were.

 

Thank you for any help it is very needed. I dont want to lose my wife over this!!!

[Jayar]

I think your main mistake here was not TALKING to her about it, rather than joining these various sites. The fact is, YOU know that you didn't contact anyone, but SHE doesn't. You can tell her until the cows come home, as far as she is concerned you cannot be trusted. thereforeeee, what you say means nothing.

 

I don't know how you can fix this. If your wife is the type of person who believes a problem like this can be solved with communication, then you may be okay with some time and understanding. If she's anything like me, however, you don't stand much of a chance. I know that after finding out that a profile like that even EXISTED, I certainly wouldn't stay in the relationship, driving myself crazy wondering if/when I'll find another one somewhere else, or find out that even WORSE happened.

[flower99]

honestly, I believe your actions were bad.

"I took it upon myself to keep myself satisfied. I started to spend more time looking at porn sites and browsing the net. "

Taking it upon yourself to keep YOURSELF satisfied won't benefit the marriage, especially if that is with porn & profiles on adult sites. How did you think she would feel when she found out? If you didn't think that through than maybe that is where you could start to fix this. Working to keep the other satisfied beneifits the marriage!

 

You were married in April..that's only 5 months before you posted a profile on an adult site. Whether you intended to go back or not, doesn't change that you posted the profile. which is cause for questions.

I don't think she should leave you, I believe this will need work to fix though. I'm guessing she feels as though you emotionally cheated.

I know you didn't intend for this to happen...hopefully good can come of this. Maybe this will help you two to communicate your needs & feelings with eachother.I wish you the best in working this out.

[theglide96]

I really appreiciate the quick feedback. I think it is hard for me to see how awful my actions were, because I am blinded by my intentions. Which, however, innocent and stupid, they were awful and disrespectful.

Please continue with advice, I need to hear it all.

 

Thank You for your help.

[Mun]

Don't some of these sites keep a log of the last time you logged on to your profile? If you are truthful that you didn't return there, you migth want to show the dates to your wife. Regardless of this the fact that you made a profile is very shaddy. She doesn't know whether or not you ever met up with someone. Put yourself in her place, you would be wondering too and might have one foot out the door yourself.

 

It's time to get truthful. Be an open book. Let her know what drove you to these sites and what it is you need from her. She may be more understanding than you think, once she gets the full story. Alot of times what we imagine is worst than reality. Her mind is probably running a mile a minute. Talk, communicate and maybe go to a counselor....it might help save your marriage. And don't do it again........now you know better.

 

Love

[flower99]

Question what do you mean "I am blinded by my intentions" what were your intentions?

 

Because spending more time on the net looking at other naked women to satisfy yourself. Was taking from your relationship. Time that could be used in better ways. Such as strengthening the relationship. You had mentioned that the marriage had been rocky...and focusing your attention on other women rather than your wife was a giant step in the wrong direction.

 

Use your time to more wisely. Use it to appreciating her & work with her to satisfy both of you. Find a way to grow closer together to strengthen the relationship. You’re married now. That takes work & dedication.

 

Mun gives great advice (:

[itsallgrand]

Your actions were bad, but I think there is more to it than that.

 

You are newlyweds and right away things get rocky?! Obviously therre were problems to begin with, before the marriage even became official.

 

Maybe you both made a mistake in getting married.

 

Regardless, my suggestion would be marriage councilling (including pre-marriage council!).

 

Find out if this marriage has a real shot or not. You should suggest and offer up this to your wife: let her know this marriage means something to you, and you are willing to take responsibility for your part in getting to where you two are now.

 

good luck.

[theglide96]

reply to Mun:

 

It has been nearly a week and we have discussed this issue at length. Yes, those site do keep track of when you log on and off, and she looked at all of it and has seen that I never returned to the site.

 

 

reply to flower99

 

You are 100% right and I'd like to go back and change that but I cant, I can only deal with my bad decisions.

 

Thanks

[theglide96]

we have had problems in the past and sought counseling, in fact she is a counselor. I think the relationship is too important to give up so easily, Id like to think that we are able to deal with each others misgivings and learn and grow

 

thanks

[flower99]

we have had problems in the past and sought counseling, in fact she is a counselor. I think the relationship is too important to give up so easily, Id like to think that we are able to deal with each others misgivings and learn and grow

 

thanks

 

Really she's a couselor? that's convient why is she ready to give up so easily?

doesn't she think this can be fixed & learn & grow from this as well

Also maybe you do need to really think "what were my intentions"? why was I on there? would you ever do this again?

[Mun]

Ask her for the opportunity to make it better. Then live up to it.

 

You are going to have to do alot of work though. Since she is a counselor she should have some resources. It all depends on whether or not she wants to keep the marriage together. You can't do it alone. I hope she does for your sake.

[theglide96]

I am very glad I found this site. I really needed to hear another persons opinion on this. I hope that I can be honest enough with myself to make this work.

 

Thanks , keep em coming

[doyathink]

yeah ok, I'll bite.......My husband has done this exact same thing! No amount of talking will change the way you have made her feel. You have no idea how deep this sort of things goes. It is betrayal in the fact that you went over the line! Your actions speak louder than words can. You have been given very sound advise from the other posters, man they are good!

 

I would suggest you start putting your energy into your wife and stop looking at other women. Why do you have a desire to look at other women, this sort of thing makes most women feel rejected, you are newlyweds!

[DN]

What was the reason for your sex life becoming non-existent. Was this her choice or yours or mutual?

 

Did you talk about that issue before you went to those sites - if you did what happened as a result of those discussions? Have either of you taken responsibility for the bad sex life and taken steps to improve it at any time?

[theglide96]

we had discussed the lack of interest in physical contact on numerous occasions. I'd like to clarify that this was not just a lack of sex but almost a complete distaste for me in general. I mentioned earlier that she took a while to find a job, I meant this as something that was adding to our stress, she has not held up well with not working in her profession, not as something that drove me to a my actions. Our discussions about our intimacy problems has always seemed too yield results and temp gotten us on the same page.

I should give some back story: We were married in April and engaged for a year before that, and had been living together for over a year before our engagment, and had dated for about six month prior to moving in together. We have had a very strong and open relationship and have been able to keep level heads through our trying times.

[theglide96]

i have been reading the replies over and over and I think I am beginning to understand that despite the fact that I never considered cheating on my wife the fact that I even went to the site in the first place is where I made my mistake. I hope that I can help to show her how much I care for her and that I love her with all my heart.

 

I cant tell you all how much I appreciate all the wonderful replies. i would like some more advice as to how I can show/tell her how I feel and allow me a chance to make things better. I will always own my mistakes and try to mend the feelings I have hurt.

 

Thank You All So Much!

[doyathink]

Now your on the right track...good for you and I might add you pick things up quick. Only time and a solid effort will show her you know that you did something that hurt her. The first step to helping a marriage heal is the fact that you see what you did is wrong, and you do.

 

One thing that helps is to answer all her questions as to why you did this, to help her better understand what your thoughts were. The need to know is always so important for someone to heal.

[flower99]

i have been reading the replies over and over and I think I am beginning to understand that despite the fact that I never considered cheating on my wife the fact that I even went to the site in the first place is where I made my mistake. I hope that I can help to show her how much I care for her and that I love her with all my heart.

 

I cant tell you all how much I appreciate all the wonderful replies. i would like some more advice as to how I can show/tell her how I feel and allow me a chance to make things better. I will always own my mistakes and try to mend the feelings I have hurt.

 

Thank You All So Much!

 

wow, congrats on the progress. I believe that will help a great deal. now you can admit where your mistake was & work to fix things. Tell her where you went wrong & how you should have handled things.

Show her with little things how much she means to you. cook her a meal, make dates, write her note, rub her feet, support her, reassure her, thank her..Love her like she means the world to you..... RE Discover her body & feelings.

I really wish you the best & a life time of happiness

[theglide96]

Once again I cant thank all of you enough, i had no Idea how helpful this would be. I needed help seeing how awful my actions were. I will keep you posted and I hope for the best.

 

Thank You All So Much