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what do i do


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I dumped him on sat as he didnt know if he wanted to marry me he keeps contacting me and is having hard time at work i only spoke to him day 5 of the NC as he called during the day so i didnt mean to pick it up but did. I do love him but he is going away i told him i would go with him but he needs to know he wants to marry me - he says he doesnt know fully too many things going on and cant decide as i always tell him off for his habits (ie ball scratching) and his mother hates me etc -

 

He says we should meet on sun for lunch he is going to speak to his mum to see if she objects if she does then no we dont do it but he doesnt know after 5 years if we should get married.

 

I wont go with him unless i know we are getting married he thinks marriage should be fireworks and stars we dont have that but we get butterflies when we see each other we do our own thing but understand and respect each other - We kiss the air when we arent around each other etc

 

I feel like i am forcing him but he has to make a decision and cant keep stringing me along - he is confused so what do i do? Maybe not see him on sunday? i felt awful when he said he was leaving? he didnt even think it would affect me i dont think - what shall do help!

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A man who doesn't know he wants to marry you after five years....probably doesn't. He has UNrealistic expectations of marriage....and oh..believe me..the "ball scratching" gets worse AFTER marriage...so don;t think that would change!!!

 

Personally I think waiting five years is BEYOND generous.....

If it were me I think I'd cut this guy loose. He sounds full of excuses.

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He says we should meet on sun for lunch he is going to speak to his mum to see if she objects if she does then no we dont do it but he doesnt know after 5 years if we should get married.

 

How old are the two of you? Why would his mother's objection be relevant?

Perhaps you need this separation for him to realize that he does care about you enough to marry you. Sometimes you don't know what you want until it is gone. You need to live your life. No, you shouldn't move with him even if he changes his mind and says yes, he will consider marrying you. You wouldn't want to uproot your life only to find out he has changed his mind again.

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okay decided to cancel meeting totally and let him have time to work out what he wants clearly have nc - he is v stressed about work job move to think of us - i dont want to push him either way till he ready it is a big decision to marry or not and to place an ultimatium is not good - additionally we are both committment phobes so i get him - then when ready tell me what he wants meanwhile i go live my life. If he wants me as you all put above he will come find me - time to reflect is good and at least then a good and fair decision will be made. Oh and before you say anything i admire that he takes his work so seriously so for me to shout and say think about me is deterimental to what i love about him.

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i dont usally comment on these forums i am just a watcher and reader these days, I will say one thing though if u want him to know u still care then dont go completely NC as this will only make him think that you dont care about him and he may end up moving on because you are not contacting him.

 

On a ball scratching front this is a typical male thing imagine having the hottest part of your body moving around on there own all day and getting all sweaty it needs a scratch now and again if just to move there postion.

 

If as you say you are both afraid of commitment then this is probably why he is not sure if he wants to get married men are funny when it comes to thinking about taking that big step some are fine with it others want to run for the hills when its metioned, I have done this in the past when a women i am seeing mentions it. Then there was time when i really wanted to get married to one of my previous ex's so it could just be like some of the above say he might not know what he has lost till its gone.

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thanks beaker - i feel better as we talked and when he ready to say what he wants we can chat till then i will live my own life and make up my own mind - nc is better for this he needs time to think as do i and i can get used to being on my own again fully and make my own judgement. I think this is better solution then throw 5 years of what having looked at some others relationships seems really great yeah there were glichs but who doesnt have them we trust each other and respect each other.

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