Lack of Sexual activity.....

[chawncee]

I have a very serious problem. My girlfriend of 6 months and I have a sex life that is pretty much dead. The frustrating part about it is that fact that when we met we were ALL OVER eachother. We would be in bars tongue kissing, we would be in parking lots all over eachother. And then everything just stopped. Completely. Now there is absolutely nothing. If I touch her, she pushes me away like I'm some fat guy or as if she's not even remotely interested anymore. I've tried everything. EVERYTHING. I've tried to talk to her to see if there was anything that I did to turn her off. I tried to talk to her to see if she just doesn't want to be with me anymore and she says that she loves me dearly but she is just scared and wants to wait which I am starting to believe is a lie. It just doesnt make sense to me. We shared more intense intimate moments when I was practically a STRANGER than we have in the past 3 months!!! I asked her recently was she still attracted to me and she got mad saying that I was insecure. So the carazy part is that she tells me constantly that I am overreacting when I say that she's not sexually attracted to me anymore but then when i try to touch her, I feel like I'm a rapist or something. The frustrating part is that I am a really attractive man and everywhere I go I have women of all types aggressively trying to get with me. I get all types of lustfull looks but it really hurts that I cant get any of those emotions from the woman that I love. I'm NEVER disrespectful. I am a GOOD brother. I treat her like a lady. I cook for her, I clean for her, I support her. I do my part as a man. I give her 130% of my life, my time, my heart. I completely cut ALL ties with any female that I was dealing with that could cause any confusion of any kind. My phone doesn't ring late at night. I'm not one of these brothers that have all types of women calling my girl with bull * * * *. I DO RIGHT BY THIS WOMAN. And I am starting to resent the fact that I am putting THIS much time and work in and she is taking it upon herself to use sex to manipulate our relationship. I ahve tried to talk to her 100 times about it while delicately trying not to make her feel pressured. The thing that just doesn't add up is the fact that we were EXTREMLY sexual when we started. We still really haven't had sex yet and I've told her 300 times that this is NOT about having sex. It is about intimacy and the ability to gradually and naturally lead up to the point where she WOULD feel comfortable going all the way. But for her to have her tongue down my throat in the beginning to now not even kissing for weeks on end tells me that something is wrong. And I'm not buying the "in due time" story anymore b/c frankly, I'm convinced that she is lying.......

[Aschleigh]

I would confront her about this, in a gentle way though. tell her that sex is a significant part of the relationship you want to be in and that you need to find a solution to this.

She probably has a problem that doesn't have anything to do with you. Maybe she has a history of molestation for all you know . She obvisiously has issues with sex that she isn't tell you about. Make it clear you need to know the truth so you can deal with it and not have all this mystery.

Give her a chance to come clean or think about moving on.

[amtjrtcet]

Hi! Welcome to ENA

 

Intimacy is a very important part of a relationship-whether sex is involved or not. And it is strange that she is so evasive physically, when before she was the opposite.

I know it hurts to have someone you love make you feel this way. But be strong. Go with your gut. If you feel something is wrong and she won't communicate with you about it, you have to do what's best for you. With regard to what you've said-you've put alot of effort into this to receive this kind of treatment back. Do you think maybe she's focusing her physical attention elsewhere? Just a thought...

[chawncee]

thats what I really think is going on. The part that is really starting to piss me off is that I cut ALL of the females out of my life that would have the potential to cause any confusion like this. My thing is that if you dont want me then let me go. Its extremly unfair to hold someone so that no one else could even remotely get close to them and then put them in a corner so that you can fullfill your sexual desires with someone else. I hate to speculate like this but I tried every angle at communicating. I refuse to start an argument over it b/c I care for her too much and again, I dont want to make her feel pressure. If I feel that she is gonna have sex with me simply b/c I'm complaining then I'm not gonna even want it. I ahve desperately tried to get her to realize that she has all but killed any chance of us having a very intense sexual relationship b/c I'm gonna always wonder. I'll talk for days on end and the only reply that I get is "just wait, things will change in due time". Thats bull * * * * and I know it....

[monkey1]

Is she a virgin? How long did you date before you got married? Have you tried to plan something romantic, maybe like a little weekend getaway? Is she stressed about something else going on?

[Mun]

Hey you, How long have you guys been together and do you all live with each other?

 

I would wonder too... wonder if there is some other guy in the picture. I'm faithtful, but ya know, sometimes I'm just not in the mood and I feel like my bf smothers me...could that be you? Just a thought. Anyhow, you all need to talk and you should be clear that you love her, but intimacy is important and if she is not up for it then you are going to move on. Give her time to think about it and then see what she says to that.

 

 

Best wishes

 

Ok 6 months. I just noticed that part.

[sparkle1]

Difficult one.

 

If you'd said she just didn't want the sexy bit, but was happy with the cuddles and kisses, i would say hang on in there....the fact she is off even kissing you makes me wonder what is going on with her.

 

this also doesn't just sound like a 'phase'....i mean we all have our moods etc, but you've gone a long time without what you had previously - thereforeeee how much longer if you did continue would you need to wait for the next stage?

 

Sometimes, going the opposite way works. So instead of you being all over her, relax, kick back and watch her feel uncomfortable that you are not doing it anymore. it'll get her going. She is clearly confident with how you feel for her, you don't want to make her insecure...but sometimes pulling back a) makes someone think "hang on why isn't he doing that anymore?" and b) gives her a chance to come on to you....

[chawncee]

Thats the crazy part and thats the reason why I am pretty certain that there is something going on. She's definitely NOT a virgin and we aren't married but we practically live together. Either she's at my place or I'm at hers but everynight I sleep with this woman in my arms. I rub her hair and tell her that I love her. I kiss her good morning. I wish her a happy day on the way out of the door. I know I'm not smothering her b/c we've talked about that and I make sure that I'm not doing that either. I have tried everything possible. I am one of the most romantic men on this planet. A month ago, I researched on the internet and had one doezen purple long stemmed roses sent to her job with a poem that I found that perfectly desribes how much I care for her. No special occasion. PURPLE ROSES!!! You know why? Just b/c purple is her favorite color. I try to set the mood when she comes home by having slow music playing, dinner ready. Whatever it may take but I have definitely taken the "high road" approach by not starting arguments, by not disrespecting her, by not acting childish and having an attitude. But frankly, it really hurts. I dont want to toot my own horn but again, I am an extremely attractive guy and the only time that I feel worthless, like a piece of * * * * is when I put a key into her door. Yes, she gave me a key to her house. I initally refused b/c I said that it may have been a little early but she INSISTED that it wasn't and that she wanted me around more often. And now she has the nerve to tell me that she wants to "take it slow so that we can get to know eachtother". I dont think that there is any more talking that I can do. I've tried everything known to man and to be honest with you, this really isn't fair to me. I have women at my job who chase me around to see what cologne I have on everyday. I have people that stop me on the street and tell me that I'm one of the most attractive men they've seen. I have grandmothers telling me that they wish that their grandaughters would meet me. AND I DO ALL OF THIS FOR SOMEONE THAT COULD CARE LESS. Again, I am a good brother. I'm not the boring lame guy that doesn't know how to have a good time. I'm not the unattractive dirty guy that doesn't clean after himself. Actually, I'm the reformed charming "player" that has grown up to be a very respectful man. Why is it that everyone on this planet wants me but my woman? I mean, isn't this what all of you women constanly complain that you AREN'T getting at home?

 

It just isn't fair......

[Mun]

Why don't you try spending some time apart from your girl. Could you handle that? Let her miss you for awhile and see if that doesn't ignite the spark once again. You might try to cool it with all the romantic stuff too, hun if she isnt' responding then it's just going to waste and you are better than that...right?

 

Chill for a bit and see if she doesn't come around to you.

 

Sure you're a good looking man that any other woman would want, but sometimes it's not about looks babe. Take it easy for a bit.

 

I hope that helps

[cryingeyez]

IS she a virgin,I know that when icheated on my ex husband i did not want him to touch me at all because iw as getting it from somewhere else. I am not saying that she is. If you have allready tried to talkt o her about this then i know you have to be frusterated. we as women are very emotional. she may have something on her mind, or feel insecure about her body.

[finewhine]

Although I am a woman, I can relate to your situation because my ex boyfriend dropped all interest in sex at the three month mark.

 

It sounds to me like there's a strong chance that she's got a low libido. The making out at the beginning is irrelevant; it's during the meat of the relationship when this problem manifests itself. I would google "low libido" if I were you and see if that's what's going on.

 

Oh, there's nothing worse than being in your shoes. It's awful, awful, awful. Try talking to her again, very calmly, after you've done your homework. See how she reacts. If this is who she is, leave before you get too enmeshed. People with low libidos don't change; it's who they are. If she's among them, find someone else, someone who likes sex as much as you do. I learned this the hard way.

[mykeyg]

She may have come to the conclusion that sex is starting to define your relationship and it upsets her since she may want your relationship to be much deeper. I mean if every woman on the planet does indeed want to get you into bed then that can be very intimidating, she may think given half a chance you'll drop her for the newest model as soon as it comes along. Try to be patient and keep proving that you love her for her. While I don't believe that sex is the be all and end all it is a beautiful part of a relationship. I remember my ex and I were like rabbits for our first 6 months then for the next year it was ok but for the last 8 months of our relationship I felt like I had to keep asking. I once heard that girls are like sex camels they can go for ages without. If it continues however you may have to cut your losses and start taking those grannies up on their offer.

[ILovePasta]

No offense intended, but you sound very high on YOU. Maybe that's the problem.

 

You are one of the most romantic this..., every woman wants you....., you are extremely attractive, blah blah...

 

Sorry man, but I am more than sure that these are your justifications to your girlfriend as well. It's not hard to see the reason for her detachment. Again, I honestly mean you no offense, but sometimes these forums do more justice when others give a brutual and honest opinion.

 

Try concentrating on why she doesn't like you anymore rather than why she should be liking you. People are people, and I can say with some degree of certainty that while you proclaim that you have tried to find the source for her distancing, I doubt you've done anything more than surface level probing.

 

It's like a friend once told me. Even if you have 10 million dollars, there's always another guy waiting with 20 million.

[chawncee]

at this point I'm just startning not to care anymore. I agree that I need to pull back and see what happens. But knowing her, she is gonna tell me that she doesn't want me to stop coming around everyday. I've even implied that before and she told me that she wanted me around more often so thats the part that I find very confusing. At this point the only option that I have is to stop coming around as often and to stop all of the cuddling and stuff b/c it is simply driving me crazy.

 

I'm a very understanding guy but I didn't sign up for this.....

[Mun]

she is gonna tell me that she doesn't want me to stop coming around everyday. I've even implied that before and she told me that she wanted me around more often so thats the part that I find very confusing. ..

 

I think that what people DO speaks volumes. Pay attention to what she does not what she tells you hun. It's her actions that are telling. She may be saying these things to not hurt your feelings or whatever.

 

Yea pull back. It might give you some more perspective on things. You still care, if you didn't you wouldn't be asking for some help...and that's ok.

 

She may not be the right girl for you. Plain and simple. A relationship shouldn't be llike pulling teeth...where's the fun ?

[chawncee]

These are justifications that I've said in here. I've never once put thrown those things in her face. That wouldn't be fair. Remember that I said that I've taken the "high" road. I've actually done JUST what you have suggested. I've asked her, what was it about me that was making her feel that way. What was it that I was doing to make her feel uncomfortable. What is it that I can do to make her feel MORE comfortable. I'm willing to try anything but she always replies with, "I'm happy with you baby, I dont want to change anything about you". Thats why I say that I know that I'm not getting the whole story. I just feel that if I've asked her SEVERAL times to tell me what I'm NOT doing, if I've given her the opportunity to talk to me to let me know what I'm NOT doing right (not what I AM doing) and she STILL refuses to talk about it, then what in the HELL am I supposed to do? I'm screwed if I concentrate on what I am doing, I'm screwed if I try and concentrate on what I'm NOT doing. Trust me, any answer that you come at me with, I've tried.

 

Trust me.....

[Mun]

Sure she says she is happy with you just the way things are, but YOU are not happy.

 

This is going to be harsh, but here it goes: Why force yourself on someone who doesn't want you the way you want ? You want to be with someone who appreciates you 100% right? If you keep insisting with her, when you know it's not working for you, then something is wrong and it's not about her anymore. Think about it.

 

where's your bottom line?

[chawncee]

I'm AT my bottom line. I really do have VERY strong feelings for this woman but it really hurts to know that the woman that you are in love with does not look at you the same way that you look at her. Its almost like I wanna ask her why did she even bother dealing with me if she doesn't want to be here. What she doesn't understand is that if I do stick around, by the time something happens, I'm not even gonna be interested in her sexually. To me, things like this should not be this complicated. Either you are in it or you aren't. Right now, things are gonna have to change. I'm NOT gonna disrespect her by cheating b/c I would leave before I go back to that point in my life in college where I was acting immature.

 

Even though it hurts, I'm starting to feel like I would much rather just be alone and go through the 5 months of healing than to continue down and endless road where I have NO IDEA what is going on.....

[Mun]

This is so cliche but how 'bout couples therapy before you head on out on your own? at least suggest it and see what she thinks.

I have a friend who is in a sexless marriage though he admits he loves his wife. He is constantly looking for a fix and offers money . (Yea, don't ask how I know) ....You don't want to be like this guy. I don't think you are.

 

Just to be clear. She KNOWS you want more sex... right?

[jengh]

Do you have any reason to believe she's cheating on you? I know that when I cheated on my ex-boyfriend (i feel so so so unbelievably bad now), that is exactly how i acted. I would recoil at the slightest touch and when he wanted to have sex, i would get mad at him for wanting it too much. We would actually go months without doing anything.

 

Another possibility: is she on anti-depressants? Certain medications (Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac) can pretty much eliminate the sex drive. Same goes for certain types of birthcontrol and countless other meds. You can go to different websites (I use ePocrates) and they will tell you side effects of different medications.

 

I hope this helps a bit.

[Mun]

Where's hubman01? I think Hub would say this is a symptom of and even bigger problem. So keep your eyes open.

 

Sorry don't mean to press on you like this.

[dogheadma]

Whatever her reason for the change in being physically interested in you, she dosen't seem to be willing to say what it is. You seem to be bending over backwards to get the information from her that she isn't willing to give. You should tell her upfront that you love her and want to be with her but if she can't tell you exactly the reason for her change in interest in your sex life it could cause you to leave. Tell her she needs to communicate with you and that the two of you can work it out together.

[chawncee]

Yeah, she DEFINITELY knows that I want more sex. Well, I cant even say MORE sex b/c we haven't really HAD sex. Dont get me wrong, I'm a very respectful guy so I do understand that in the beginning, if this is supposed to be serious, then we should take our time but 6 MONTHS!!!! At this point with all of the work that I'm putting in, we should be ALL OVER EACHOTHER. Hell, she was when we were strangers. Whats the big deal now? THATS what makes me feel like there is someone else. THis aint rocket science and like I said, if you dont want someone then its not fair to string them along when you KNOW that you dont want to be here. I said just the other night, that if she didn't want me here, just tell me and I'll go on about my business. She replies with "You're reading too much into it". I just think its all bull * * * * to be honest with you. Its at the point where its affecting other aspects of the relationship. For instance, she wants to plan this BIG trip to Aruba. Now why on EARTH would I plan this SUPER romantic, excotic trip with someone that I cant even TOUCH. Someone that hasn't even kissed me in over 3 weeks? What are we gonna do, go walking late at night on the beach just to comeo back inside drunk as hell to go to sleep? I can think of ALOT more things to do with $1800 dollars!!!!!

[Mun]

when was the last time you all had sex?

[chawncee]

well, we've never really HAD sex. We used to fool around ALOT but we've never really had sex. I was cool with us not going all the way then b/c I knew it was the beginning. But in most "normal" relationships, things start off that way and they gradually and naturally progress to more over a period of time. With us, we've gone the OPPOSITE direction. We've gone from fooling around to not doing anything at all. But she swears to the heavens that nothing is wrong and that I havent done anything wrong. Now we ALL know that women do this ALL of the time as far as taking it upon themselves to reduce the ammount of sex while lying to us about the real reasons why. You can say all you want about "she doesn't want to hurt your feelings". you can say all you want about that but at the end of the day, how on EARTH is the problem supposed to be solved if you PURPOSELY and INTENTIONALLY refuse to talk about or address what is causing the problem? Then when the guy says * * * * it, then its our fault. To me thats just counter productive. You take it upon yourself to do something that CLEARLY is negatively affecting BOTH of us and then refuse to communicate with us about how to fix it. How do you think she would feel if I just took everything inadequate about her and "decided" that I wasn't gonna do any of the "relationship oriented" things that SHE likes?

 

That wouldnt be fair now would it?