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saw my ex after 5 yrs and he was mean to me?


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i havent seen my ex in over 5 yrs and ran into him at a club over the weekend. he treated like crap while we were together and we finally broke after 4 yrs of dating. he was the love of my life at the time. anyway, he came up to me and the first thing he said, i really that much of an " i told him yes you really were. anyway we talked awhile and the night went on. he was very friendly towards me. we were both drinking a bit. then my friends and I and his friends and him left the club and we all went back to my friends house. we ended up outside talking on the curb and by this point we were both very drunk so we shouldnt have been talking to begin with. well he was asking me questions and i started crying probably more cause I was drunk and emotional but also because he had hurt me and I cared about him very much back when we were together and I don't think i ever dealt with the hurt in the right way. i blocked him out and didnt really think about him a whole lot. he apologized over and over and told me that he had loved me very much back then. well this went on for at least almost 2 hours and then one of his friends came up to say hi and my ex just flipped the switch and turned into his mean old self. he started calling me names and all that I said after that was "apparently you are still the same old ." he continued to call me names and i didn't really respond. i left the next day feeling absolutely miserable and I wasnt sure exactly why. why did i let this loser get to me? this has now bothered me for almost 3 days and this is exactly what i used to feel when we were in a relationship. is this normal? i dont plan on ever seeing him again and I have been happily married for the past 3 yrs and now have another child. can someone explain why im feeling this way?

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Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

You were probably hoping to get some kind of closure from your ex, to see that he has become a better person or matured...etc.

 

It doesn't mean that you still have feelings for him, per se, but I'm sure it hurt your pride- to know that he was able to make you cry again and that he's still up to his old insensitive tricks.

 

Let your meeting with him make you thankful for the life you have now- with a good partner that is not like that.

 

What was your husband's take on your ex's behavior?

 

BellaDonna

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No it certainly is not normal. It seems to me that your ex is still suffering from the same childish stupidity that made him such an {mod edit} in the first place. He took complete advantage of your love and kindness and used it to get away with being a {mod edit}. I know because I did it to someone for 3 years and I've regretted it every day since. I think your ex picked up on the attention and kindness you were showing that night and reverted back to his old self when it took his fancy. I'm not saying he didn't care for you but he sees your unswerving care as something to exploit when necessary. It takes a lot of hard work to change from this kind of person and your ex is not willing to put it in. It's not that he can't change, he clearly doesn't want to. To answer your question I reckon the reason you're feeling this way is wondering how someone to whom you've shown so much kindness and devotion can treat you so badly when all you wanted to do is love them and you're right it doesn't make sense and is extremely hurtful. Thats the same thing I used to see in my ex's tearfilled eyes only at the time I was too selfish to take responsibility for what I was doing to her. Some people will embrace your love others will take advantage of it, there's only one type that matter.

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what a creep - sounds like my ex. He probably is still stupid enough to try and show off in front of his mates and try and look like he needs no-body, so thats probably why he suddenly flipped when his friend came along, to look 'matcho' and make out that he didn't get hurt by you, in front of them.

 

My ex was like that - a totally nasty guy infront of his mates when i was there - tried to make out i meant nothing to him, when infact deep down i meant everything to him, and that was what he was scared of.

 

He was mean to push me away coz no-one had ever shown him so much love as what i did.

 

I bet he was very hurt when you left him, but what did he expect??!

 

When his friend turned up, he went back to acting like he was fine without you, when infact he is probably upset that you are very happy and he is still the same old loser.

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Hi there lalen23. I responded to your post yesterday.

 

I'm sorry that you are still very bothered by the run-in with your ex.

 

I have been happily married for the past 3 yrs and now have another child. can someone explain why im feeling this way?

 

I truly believe that you must stop questioning your ex's actions and worrying about how he thinks and feels and whether the apology was sincere. Judging by his actions of acting cold and rude right afterwards, it was not sincere. But that doesn't even matter anymore. If you are happily married with a child and your own life....the heck with him.

 

Are you sure that everything is else is ok? I just think that if you told your husband about it and he consoled you that it would be enough to take the hurt and insult away that you feel. I know that if I'm having a bad day, my husband can always make me feel better. But clearly, even after telling your husband, this is still bothering you very much.

 

You need to let go of the past and cherish what you have here in the present. Living well is the best kind of closure you can have in life- you don't need it from your ex. It comes from within.

 

BellaDonna

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You should have taken your H with you to the club. Then you wouldn't have been over drinking and chatting with some guy you went out with half a decade ago.

 

The only good thing that resulted from the night is that you got to see the guy is still the verbally abusive person you left five years ago.

 

Concentrate on your present family and your relationship with your H. They matter to you, not him.

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Hi lalen,

 

I merged your threads into the one you opened yesterday (to keep the responses in the right order.

 

I hope you feel better today. I have no idea why your ex was still so mean, but at least this is NOT the person you are sharing your life with. You should be happy that knowing that he never changed, you are no longer together with him. When I last met my Ex (the only one with a capital E ), I also noticed he never changed. He was still the same egocentric person with a very high opinion about himself. Instead of seeing myself through his eyes, which had made me very insecure in the past, I saw HIM through MY eyes, and in fact, I pitied him. Maybe that will help you too. Be PROUD that you moved on, got married, etc. Be sorry for him that he doesn't have the strength to change his behaviour. That is his problem and not yours.

 

An other question that I wanted to ask, why do YOU think it bothers you so much? I think maybe in the past, when you were recovering, you tried to forget about this as soon as possible. Now that you saw him again, you're back feeling the way you did then. I recognize that very much. The Ex I told you about, I met him a few times before that last time, when I was finally able to see him in the right perspective. Instead of on a pedestal, he just seemed an immature man. But before that, the two times we met, I felt really confused and hurt afterwards. I think that that last time (in 2005, two years after our last break up), I finally knew I was over him. I hope for you, that you will start to feel this way soon.

 

How is your marriage? You say that you are happy, what does your husband think of the way this hurt you? Be happy you found a better man.

 

Ilse

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Wow hey, it sounds to me like your ex still has alot of growing up to do. Hun, repeat after me " good riddens!!" your hubby is right you are in a much better place now. Even in a better place than him who is still out there being a jerk to the next poor woman while you have a man who loves and cares for you.

 

I don't think anything this guy could say would take away what happened in the past, and better to leave it there. Know you are worth something better and now you have it. He lost something great when he lost you. and he didn't even know it .. remember that.

 

Love

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im not sure what it is im feeling but i feel like im just now kind of dealing with our break up for some reason. is it stupid to want to text message him and tell him that I know he is not really mean deep down and that I forgive him? am i going crazy here or what?

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I don't think you should text message him at all.

 

#1 You're a married woman. Having contact with your ex can cause problems in your current relationship. Don't let him mess up a good thing.

 

#2 If he's as insensitive as you described and he was bad to you in the relationship and rude to you, calling you names when you saw him- he does not deserve the time of day from you, let alone a text message.

 

You need to let go. Give up on the possibility that he your ex changed or became a better person. You have too much hope for him. You have a good guy at home now, so there's no sense in trying to convert the bad guy from your past.

 

BellaDonna

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im trying to figure out why I would even waste my time sending that loser a text. this is what i am trying to figure out.

 

I have to agree with the other posters on this one.

 

You are a happily married woman with children and a good partner now- why drudge up this old dirt and risk hurting your marriage? and over what?

 

What is it that you feel you have to prove to this guy?

 

If he treated you badly back then, is it really such a surprise that little has changed?

 

Why are you letting this affect you so much when you have so many positive things going for you?

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Two things occur to me. First any sort of negative encounter where someone calls you names is going to impact on you. Regardless of who they are. The more sensitive you are the more the impact even if it was from a stranger.

 

Second - when you someone once loved you it is hard to realise that their feelings have completely changed,. We like to think people think well of us - even former lovers with whom we are broken up. So when they become hateful to us it comes a a bit of a shock - and stays with us.

 

Remember that as human beings we tend to concentrate on the negative things that people say or feel about us. You can get any amount of praise for something you did - but you will remember the smallest hint of criticism.

 

As the others have said - forget him and think more about how you are regraded by the one who counts the most - your husband.

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I agree with the other posters.

 

I think that this issue may be affecting you deeply because he really HURT you while you two were together. Clearly, you were crazy about him, and he just just awful towards you. I have a feeling this affected your self-esteem very badly, deep down. Perhaps in a way that even a happy marriage can't make you forget.

 

I think you should go talk to a counselor. Maybe your ex said some things to you that resonated from your childhood. Did you have an overcritical parent? And now when you heard this stuff from your ex, it is just bringing back problems.

 

I would stay away from the ex, I don't think he is the key to your healing. I would REALLY recommend talking to a professional to find out how to help you out.

 

good luck

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Your ex sounds a little psycho to me. I think he probably just knows how to push your buttons from having been in a relationship with you. When you ran into him over the weekend enough time had passed that you probably sorta forgot he was like that or forgot how psycho he really was.

 

Unless we actively try to remember the bad, I think most of us tend to remember good things about our previous relationships and exes as time goes on. So my guess is that your guard was down, he was being nice, appearing to be contrite for his past actions at first...then bam...he goes all Jekyl and Hyde on you.

 

The fact that you feel this urge to contact him now reinforces my opinion that he knows how to push your buttons. He treated you like crap and you want to basically tell him that was ok because you know he's really not mean. That's a little twisted, don't you think?

 

Don't give him the satisfaction. Your life is good now. Sounds like you have an awesome husband, so just focus on that and be glad you ditched that loser ex years ago.

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Girl, it sounds to me like the Ex had a hold on you in a co-dependent sort of way, and after seeing him it returned to some extent - hence the "need" to keep contact with him, and trying to convince him you are not as bad as he seems to think.

 

It's not healthy, and it's definitely not advisable to keep contact with him in any way. Do you really want to harm your family and your good realtionship with hubby by doing this? The ex will ruin your life, again. And you will be left with nothing.

 

My advice to you is - FORGIVE YOURSELF, forgive him, and just let it go.

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