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I feel stange today. My ex called me yesterday after we have not spoken

in about 40 or so days. She had good reason to call me, she actually did

me a favor by calling. I ended up needing to go to the house, which meant

seeing her. It went really well. She looks good, but I guess the stress of everthing has left her looking a bit tired and more worn than I recall. We were very civil, and pretty much kind to one another and it was a nice change from the way we spilt up. I realised that it was okay to miss her, and that I do~but I don't want to be back with her. She called me this morning again and was very sweet, I think us getting along yesterday threw her for a loop. I think I am further along in my healing then I thought I was, and that is a very good thing. I am not sure where she is, she is more like someone who simply doesn't deal with issues. I guess our break up would be considered an issue because 3 months later I don't think she has allowed herself to deal with it completely. She told me last night and this morning that she is struggling, but hanging in. I need to keep moving forward myself, but this was a page turned and I still am not completely sure what it is that I am feeling, maybe it will all sort itself out as the day goes on. I'm not at the point where I am ready to wish her well yet, but I think I might be getting (for the most part) past the point of hoping her life is not better without me. The thing is, her life is better without me, as her partner, and mine is better without her, as my partner, and it's starting to be okay to say and feel that. Life, does go on. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute, but I am learning so much through my pain.

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Sounds as though you are moving on quite well and dealing with the parting ways with this girl. No doubt there will be mixed emotions or unclear feelings during the healing process.

 

Sure seems you are on the right track. Keep moving forward. You are right ,sometimes it is just a day by day or minute by minute thing with learning to accept, deal with and move forward little by litttle. Good luck.

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I am having very mixed feelings and emotions! Thank you so much for validating that this would happen, it makes it feel normal because I tell you right now I am raw with emotion. I loved her very much, still do,

but our realtionship was not a healthy one and after 7 years I think we both

got to the point where we couldn't take anymore. I actaully made the move to physically leave first but who knows menally what happened while we were still together. It wasn't good...but still that was the "realtionship" part of us,

she was my best friend (and I was hers and we both have felt betrayed I think) and that is what miss, my friend~ she does too I think. And I think that is a huge part of my pain. I am flooding over with emotion today,

the tears have spilled and spilled...it's all so sad. But then, there is the promise of a new life, with new memories and new laughter apart from the pain I am leaving...***sigh*** it's such a long tiring process isn't it?

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Holy moly! It IS long and tiresome! But you should be proud, cuz I can see that you are well on your way to full healed-ness! The promise of a new life is damn exciting, because it is YOUR life!!

 

The one thing I've realised these past few months is that the memories with my ex are great and one day I will pour them over me like Chanel No 5, but right now I might as well hop to it and make new memories. Not by dating again necessarily, just by keeping on living! It's also very mature of you to admit that the relationship was not healthy, here's to the next one! You can't make the same mistakes again which is an added bonus...

 

Keep going and cry if you have to, luckily God gave us lots of tears to spill! All the best

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The tears are acceptable and normal. I think in some way the tears allow us to rid ourselves of some of the emotion.

 

I can understand your sadness. We all grieve, heal and move on at different levels when we part with people in our lives. I truly understand the missing what you feel was your best friend in addition to her being your girlfriend.

 

It is good that you both realized that your relationship was not healthy and that for the sake of you both that you needed to move on.

 

Are you going to continue talking to her, or do you plan to go back to no contact? What do you feel is best on the contact, so that you can continue to heal and move on ?

 

The healing process is a difficult thing. We have ups and downs where we feel as though we are on a roller coaster of emotions.

 

But then, there is the promise of a new life, with new memories and new laughter apart from the pain I am leaving...***sigh***

 

That line above from your other post is great advice from within yourself. You have the right idea. Keep moving on. You have great promise for a better future and life to come.

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Yeah a very long process. It must be tough seeing her and having her close by. That would be very difficult for me if my ex was so close and I cant imagine it being any more difficult than it is already. I know about the best friend part and feeling betrayed as do many here. Its hard to be alone without the person you trusted and counted on. But then life is to short to spend on something that isnt going to work or that is just caught in a viscious cycle too. It wouldnt do to live your whole life and look back realizing what an unecessary struggle you continued to go through and spent all your time on.

 

I am all for doing whatever it takes to make your relationship what you want and make your own grass green (unlike my ex apparently) but there comes a point when you do everything (get counseling, have long talks, take a break etc.)and it still isnt working. I guess everyone has to decide where that point is and how much they love someone and how much effort its worth. Sounds like you have done all you know how to and it just wasnt happening and it was dragging you down after 7 years. Hang in there LS.

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"The one thing I've realised this past few months is that the memories with my ex are great and one day I will pour them over me like Chanel No 5, but right now I might as well hop to it and make new memories."

 

I like that, and it is a very true. So very very true. I will pour it over myself as well~but until then I still have memories to make and healing to do. Part of

the healing IS forgiveness and acceptance that is the process I believe I am

entering. Thanks so much for help, I can use any help I can get.

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Yes, it was Desert, when we were together we were only hurting one another.

(not in the first few years, and not always through out but..)

7 years is a very long time, yes.

She hurt me much more openly then I did her, but the end result is that we ended up hurting one another because we were not the right people together and could not make it work because we were really different people. (my ex can be so shady, really lol..)

But, there is love, and I know that now, it was their, it is their now~but the

realtionship is over, and we are both better for it. Its a painful bittersweet

acceptance and I am going to have to go through it.

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Coollady1957,

I am not sure about NC now. Although I believe in NC, because it allows time

and space to heal. For me, it was critical to getting to this point. (but..where is this point where I am? That is what I am still trying figure out) My first feeling? I don't think I will go back to NC,(and yes I was honest and asked myself if that is because I am holding out hope, secret or not for a reconcilation..I am not, although I love this woman, we cannot be together and I am happier now)

but I do think I will do LC. Neither of us are ready to be in a "friendship" not yet. If, LC proves to be unhealthy for me, I will go back to NC. At this point I am not sure what I need to do, except continue to put

myself first regardless of the method. Do you have an opinion or a suggestion

about that? Or does anyone else? I'd love to hear the input because like I said, I need all the help I can get.

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Based on what you have said I don't think limited contact would be a bad thing if you feel comfortable with that. As you said, if it starts to feel negatively in the LC then you can always go back full NC. Definitely put yourself first and concentrate on what seems to work best for you . You seem to be using a level headed approach as long as you keep your self first a this point . NC or even LC ,doesn't work for everyone, and you certainly will have to take the course that feels best for you .

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Coollady1957, Thanks for the input, very helpful. I will do what is best for me

regardless. I will keep myself first as it has been the key to sanity, to my healing and to my recovery. NC was the way I choose to take care of myself

during the initial break up, it helped me so much to focus on myself and give myself a break away from the contact and conflict. I will

use it again if I need it, for now I think I will just let it ride and continue on

my incredible (and sometimes extremly painful, sometimes extremly enlightening) journey using. I do thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

Take good care.

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Coolady1957~doing fine so far. Its actually been a good thing. We have talked a few times and I have been back to the house a few times. Talking to her again reminded me of everything I walked away from (thankfully and finally) It has been a positve move for me. I don't want to go back and now I do not have those illusions that right after I left she became everything she

wasn't before. (why do we think that??) She is still the same, but I, I have changed, and that is the magic. Here's to continuing the journey of healing~thanks for the help.

Take good care~

Lone

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It's heartening to read your story, it seems you are in a very healthy position although I can understand you still feel pain. I too should be in a similar situation as you but we tried to make another go of our relationship, it didn't work out but instead of the crushing pain I felt when we first split it feels different now. More raw than it would have been if we hadn't tried again but maybe I'm more comfortable now with the fact that we really weren't meant to be together.

 

I know I need NC but I hope eventually I can be friends with this girl that I truly loved for a long time. I'll be following your progress and hopefully walking a little in your shadow because I'd like to feel like you feel now eventually.

 

One thing I have learnt going through this is that you have to do what you have to do, some people will agree and some will disagree, in the end only you know what is the right thing for you. Yes there'll be times you feel like you made a wrong decision but you only know that once you've done it and that's the beauty of life, you can always learn from your mistakes.

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  • 1 month later...

Hey folks, update. I have made the decision to go back into NC. Yes, I have changed and I have come along way...but I have learned that I am not healed yet and that things she does and says still can hurt me. She is a game player~ and is dating someone at the beach now. At the same time, she is trying to start back up with me. I was right she has not changed but even in saying it, I am not sure I fully understood what exactly that meant. I guess I was thinking that since I was feeling stronger and she is not my probelm anymore would make all of those annoying and painful things that she did to hurt me (being inconsiderate of my feelings, blowing me off, being selfish blah blah) not bother me anymore. I was wrong, it brought up very painful feelings of resentment and anger. So after a few days of crying and a day or so of getting really ticked off about it again, I am dusting myself back offf and going back into NC. It is the best thing I can do for myself. I'm down though, just for now...send hugs okay?

Take good care~

Lone

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Aww Lonesoul I hear ya, I'm going through much the same sadness, its so hard to let go...... but we will... we have too right?

 

 

I keeps getting info from mutual friends about how my ex Jack misses me.... but I won't even think about that at this point, he's totally devasted me.. will not go back... no never, ever

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