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He seemed to chase, but when I got interested he ran away.. :(


datingagain
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I recently came out of a breakup in March, and it was tough to say the least. He was my first serious boyfriend, my first everything and my life definitely revolved around him. After having to see him everyday for the last two months of school, I had a good 3 months of NC over the summer and broke NC twice recently to call him and try to restart a friendship. He continues to be a jerk, and so I have given up on even trying to be nice. Its been hard, but Ive come a long way... pushing myself to accept what happened and move on with my life. I think in many ways I've become a much stronger person... much more independent, more goal-oriented, and more aware of what I want in a partner. I realized my relationship was never as wonderful as I thought it was... my ex took me completely for granted, and never treated me the way a girlfriend should be treated... with total love and respect. I can see that especially now, with how badly he has treated me over the last few months.

 

I guess that aside, Ive started to throw myself into my classes and work, and have taken up my own hobbies. I have made some really good friends, including this guy I am in class with. He is a year older (so graduating from college at the end of this academic year), and very smart and motivated. He and I share many similarities and interests and have a great time together. When we first met, we hit it off.. and soon were studying together everyday in the library. He would initiate things, and seemed truly interested in getting to know me. I know he is shy, and also coming out of a break up recently (he left his ex..) but I finally began to show some interest in other guys. I guess this was obvious (I asked him what he thought of me, and then the next day asked him to a movie - the first time I would see him socially). He agreed, but later in the conversation said that he was "emotionally confused" and that he couldnt commit to anything right now. That he liked a lot about me, and had fun hanging out with me but that he didnt want to hurt me. He said he still wanted to see the movie with me, and so we hung out on Friday. He also said he was concerned about hsi grades and future (he's applying to grad school), but that with time things would sort out in his head. On Friday, we had a good time- totally platonic, but spent the whole evening together.. but since his interest has seemed to fade. He is still nice and we still talk, btu he seems a lot less enthusiastic (maybe he's just tired? doenst get much sleep and overworks himself..) when we see eachother. I guess I just dont know what to do. It was my birthday today, and he came to a dinner party i was having. He seemed to have fun, and was one of the last to leave.

 

I really am starting to like him a lot, but the second i showed interest he backed away. Is he just not interested and was trying to be polite... or is he genuinely confused and there is a possibility for something in the future? I really got the feeling he liked me in the beginning, did I do something wrong?

 

Sorry for the long post! Just felt like everything needed to be said to give a clear picture of where Im coming from. Any advice would be appreciated!

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I know he is shy, and also coming out of a break up recently (he left his ex..)

 

Welcome to ENA datingagain! Good to have you around here.

 

First of all, congrats on your enlightenment regarding your last break up. Way to go on that! That should be stickied on this site for sure...

 

I think this quote is the answer. While it is only one sentence in your post, I believe it to surely be the most telling of this situation. The man says he is "emotionally confused" because he probably is. Think back to how that last break up affected you, now imagine him in that same situation right now. The man is most probably still grieving over his break up and is gun-shy about getting hurt again. Maybe he tried to develop feelings for you, hence his interest in you, his desire to take the initiative and the sense of "hitting it off". Or maybe he has feelings for you but they are clouded by his grief over his last break up or he is avoiding them or he is denying them in the name of perceived emotional self-preservation.

 

So what can you do? First off, I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Actually, I'm pretty sure of that. Realize you're developing feelings for an emotional ghost right now. He just simply is not there in that sense. Getting involved with emotionally confused people to whom you are attracted is like playing emotional Russian Roulette.

 

If you really, really like this guy, respect him, believe in him and have the intuition to back this up, I might wait around a while, continuing to do what you've been doing together. You enjoyed it, right? I think he's being honest with you too. At the very least you'd want to get this out of your system, not look back and say "what if". He might need to warm up to the idea of romantic involvement with you, sort out his confusion, and building a friendship first might lead down that path...

 

Otherwise, you've got plenty on your plate outside if this and are armed with a keen sense and perspective gained from your last relationship. I bet you could walk away from this one easier than you think...

 

But then again, regardless of his emotional state, he's gunning for the 4.0 and looking to pursue graduate studies and probably win Nobel Prizes. What do you think a relationship would be like with this guy? Where would you fit in the line of his targets on his shooting range? And making love to him might be like reading a freaking math book...

 

For what it's worth, from what you've written, this guy reminds me a lot of myself at various places in my life...minus the "math book" part...I hope!

 

No seriously, this guy does remind me of myself in the past and I feel him. I sure would have liked some of the nice ladies I had opportunities with to stick around when I was going being crazy about stuff and trying to figure things out...

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You've showed your interested in him, now back away. Don't be stressing over him, accept that he isn't ready right now. Keep him as a friend but seek new men to date.

 

If and when he is ready, he will come to you. If he doesn't, then you saved yourself an immense amount of worry and stress.

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I guess sometimes we are not ready for relationships even when the best thing ever comes accross our paths. I certainly have given up many, many chances of a nice guy, just because I had been hurt in the past or I didn't want to get emotionally involved. I think this guys DOES like you, but where it goes now is a bit of a crossroads.

 

Either way, I think if you continue to be cool and just hang with him, you will have a good friend....and who knows...maybe he will notice you as something MORE in the future.

 

In the meantime, keep on your positive track, meeting new people (don't just concentrate on him), be self-centred and carry on in your positive way with your hobbies and stuff.

 

As Bethany said, remember he is not the only fish in the sea!

 

You are doing great!

Keep the faith.

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Thank you all for your wonderful advice!

 

As kind of an update, I ended up talking to him online not long after I posted here. We had a pretty open and honest talk about stuff... he admitted that before meeting me he was interested in someone else and that right now he doesnt know how he feels about me. He doenst think its going anywhere with the other girl (he doenst think she is interested back). I did tell him that most importantly I value our friendship, and if he didnt see me that way I would be fine. We talked a lot about our past relationships and about his current situation with the girl he is interested in prior to meeting me.

 

I dont know where that puts me, but I guess at this point all I can do is work on building a solid friendship with him, and like some of you said... maybe he'll see something with me in the future. I think having a strong friend base is important to him, so maybe this is the right way to go about it anyway. I really really like this guy, and I really hope that liking him too early didnt mess things up for even a future chance.

 

Any other suggestions with this new update?

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I dont know where that puts me, but I guess at this point all I can do is work on building a solid friendship with him, and like some of you said... maybe he'll see something with me in the future. I think having a strong friend base is important to him, so maybe this is the right way to go about it anyway. I really really like this guy, and I really hope that liking him too early didnt mess things up for even a future chance.

 

Any other suggestions with this new update?

 

I think that there HAS to be some sexual tension between you or you really will be 'friendzoned' for good. Don't fall into this trap of being his confidant about other women or you will remain his friend for the foreseable future.

 

Flirt with him, be sexy, be confident, give him the eye, the look, the sexy smile. Don't ask him out, let him ask you. Don't chase him, he already knows you like him, now it's his turn to come after you...Good Luck.

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We had a pretty open and honest talk about stuff... he admitted that before meeting me he was interested in someone else and that right now he doesnt know how he feels about me.

 

Woah, hold on here, the situation just changed. If he can be interested in this other lady, why can't he be interested in you then? Not so "emotionally confused" about his feelings for her huh?

 

Doesn't know how he feels about you? These are the worst words I can think of hearing from someone I am interested in next to "I love you but I'm not in love with you." And he "knew" right well how he felt about this other lady! I'd think about that notion for a while...

 

And as far as building a "friendship first", if your intentions are romantic with this guy, as you say you "really, really" like him, and these feelings aren't reciprocated, you are not going to have a true friendship. What you're going to have is you waiting there for his feelings to come around, hoping his feelings eventually match yours, as your feelings probably grow stronger for him under building emotional tension all under the veneer of "being friends". I'd think about that notion for a while too...

 

After reading your last post, my intuition tells me you're going to be disappointed or get hurt if you pursue this guy. However, if you really, really like him, as you say, it may take the proverbial "wake up call" to gain the conviction you need to be able to feel good about walking away from this situation without wondering "what if" or feeling like "a good thing got away". If that is the case, keep hanging out with him as "friends", but don't get too attached to him or the situation. Keep your schedule full and busy with other adventures in your life...and enjoy doing so...

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Thank you again for all the responses!

 

A little more on the situation... I didnt see him at all today ( i usually see him everyday), but I did see him online and I imed him. We chatted a little, he mentioned things about the girl he was interested in and I realized I dont know how comfortable I am "being friends". I tried to be unemotional, and tried to ask him platonically to a movie he had mentioned wanting to see (we actually tried to see it last week when we hung out socially, but it didnt happen). He said he was unsure cause he had to study so much, so I jokingly (like i do with all my friends) teased him and told him that it isnt so bad to take a study break. He made a comment that hurt me more than i should. He said that I was acting like we were dating, and when I asked him what he meant he said that usually only his girlfriend would give him a hard time about something like that. I didnt like what he said, even though he was joking... and I realized that maybe im not ready (especially after being hurt so badly in my last relationship) to deal with rejection on a day to day basis from him.

 

I dont think I was pushing him or anything, but i kind of realized that I dont think he sees me as a friend either, more as the "girl that likes him". Am i imagining this, or is this really possible? Another thing that came up, while talkign about the girls he liked was why he didnt like me. He said that he liked my personality, but he just didnt think we were compatiable that way.I had a good cry over this tonight with a friend, and she suggested I just take a step back and not do anything anymore. That I be friendly if he initiates talking, but to not cut him out of my life completely because I was really happy around him and at the very least I wont lose a friend. I like him a lot, and I feel maybe its just time to give up and cut him out. Suggestions please??

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You've got a really good perspective on this, you know what's going on. That's key to leading your heart down the same path...

 

So which path should you take? If you "like him a lot" and he's being weird and straight-up telling you "no", I believe you should follow the path you suggested and take a stroll on this situation entirely.

 

What is the other option? Be "friends", or I should say, pretend to be friends? Keep kidding yourself, hold onto to some utopian notions of a change in feelings after he flat-out told you "no" and cycle through the tears over-and-over again? No one deserves that...

 

Let him know what's going on, make the distance, and maybe in the future explore the possibility of being real friends to each other. Don't let the fear of detachment win over you, just do it...

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He probably just doesn't see you that way. The fact that he openly told you about another woman he's interested in shows that he's confident in his friendship with you, and that's probably all he's trying to pursue. If you feel that you really could just "be friends" then do so, but if you harvest hopes of him "coming around" you'll end up hurt.

 

You seem to think that too, so it shouldn't be too far of a fall.

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hey everyone,

 

thank you again for all your advice, and im afraid what you all have said is true. This past week was hard, I didnt really see him after my birthday party, or talk to him for that matter. Then this weekend I ended up spending the entire weekend with him... in the library. We are partners in a lab class together (Anatomy) which means a WHOLE bunch of stuff to memorize. So we both ended up at lab hours, and then headed to the library to study the rest of the day away. In fact, I just returned from the library after spending the last 8 hours with him. He is coming over soon to finish studying. I realized in the chatting we did while studying that he really does just see me as a friend... we even ran into one of the girls he likes and nowadays I just tease him about it. Im too tired and stressed out with school to really worry about him that way.your words of advice were very helpful in getting over him those first few days. I thought it would be akward and weird, but it hasnt been and im glad for it, cause he's smart and I need his brain

 

Thank you everyone again, and if something ever does change ( I doubt it will...) I will be back

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