Why would you want to be friends post breakup?

[amb1873]

Ok, for anyone out there who has actually told their ex that they wanted to remain friends, hang out, go to concerts, etc. but never had plans for anything more- especially after a pretty intense breakup and pretty intense relationship- why would you want this? Does it make you feel better about yourself offering a friendship because you know you cannot give more? Or do you just want to keep her/him on the backburner "just in case" for someday in the future?

 

Also, why would you try to pursue this when you KNOW that the person you are requesting the friendship from is still very brokenhearted about the breakup and has feelings for you? Wouldn't you rather respectfully cut ties, and allow them to move on?

[melrich]

I think it is often said to soften the blow.

 

But also I think a lot of dumpees take this to mean "great we'll still be hanging out just like we were."

 

In truth what friends means is you stay friendly with each other, see each other maybe once month or so and stay in touch by phone occasionally.

 

Regardless I don't think it works unless you have a reasonable break from each othe to let the heat and emotion go out of things.

[TheRedQueen]

Speaking from personal experience, there has only been one instance, i.e. one ex, where post break up we have actually remained friends. Why? Because we actually are friends. We were friends before we were lovers and that friendship that we had established withstood the test of time.

[Dako]

You're missing yet another reason, possibly the biggest one.

Because you were good friends before the breakup, and both want to salvage it from the wreckage for it's own worth.

 

I've noticed some people have a need to be critical of this, since it doesn't fit their preconceptions of behavior. There's no law that precludes it.

[Closure]

I will never remain friends with anyone I end a relationship with or if they end it.

 

Firstly I don't have the time for my real friends, let alone new one's. Would be a complete waste of a night out.

 

Seconly because what's the point, one always wants more than the other and it's unequal.

[Closure]

It's perfectly acceptable to those who want it imo.

 

You're missing yet another reason, possibly the biggest one.

Because you were good friends before the breakup, and both want to salvage it from the wreckage for it's own worth.

 

I've noticed some people have a need to be critical of this, since it doesn't fit their preconceptions of behavior. There's no law that precludes it.

[Ipso Fracto Man]

Because hating will turn on you.

[NJRon]

Because hating will turn on you.

 

You can let go with love...

[TheRedQueen]

But let's be honest here, how many of us have fallen victim to relationships where in which our significant other is more or less a stranger, rather than a friend.

[NJRon]

The one thing I have learned... is that if you want to be friends with your ex... very carefully examine why. If you don't, you may end up inadvertently hurting others.

[TheRedQueen]

But let's be honest here, how many of us have fallen victim to relationships where in which our significant other is more or less a stranger, rather than a friend.

 

So once the relationship is over, your ex resumes his stranger status and from that point on, forever becomes that "guy" who you used to date way back when.

[NJRon]

Nothing like being your own devil's advocate

[Dilly]

You're missing yet another reason, possibly the biggest one.

Because you were good friends before the breakup, and both want to salvage it from the wreckage for it's own worth.

 

I've noticed some people have a need to be critical of this, since it doesn't fit their preconceptions of behavior. There's no law that precludes it.

 

Completely agree. I become closest to those I fall deeply in love with and I only have really truly loved two men so it's not that big of a drag for me to keep in touch with them. I know that if things don't work out in my current situation that I will always LOVE the man and adore him, even though there is or might be temporary disdain that causes me to lash out. But after that, there is no wiping away of the fact that there is so much I love about him.

 

I gain so much insight and understanding from my ex-husband that I can honestly say it would be a complete shame if we cut communication. We are like siblings now, ony we don't see each other at all. We just chat by email, but it's invaluable conversation to me, conversation I place above that of my family. I should state that there is no interest on either of our parts to rekindle the flame. We are both very involved with other partners (he's married and I'm pregnant), so it's a pure type of relationship with very well-defined boundaries. Both our partners know we talk and are not threatened.

 

Some people say you only have five really good friends. Well, he's definitely one of them and I think if my current fling ever fades, that will be two. I have some decent girlfriends, but I'm not so sure they measure up yet.

 

I hesitate to say that I doubt my current flame would be as good a friend as my ex-husband, but I think he would be understanding at times. I just don't know.

[TheRedQueen]

Nothing like being your own devil's advocate

 

Well someone's got to justify all those awful mistakes I've made in my past.

[melrich]

Nothing like being your own devil's advocate

 

Gets the post count up.

[TheRedQueen]

Gets the post count up.

 

lies, lies, no alibis.

[MyTeddyBear]

You're missing yet another reason, possibly the biggest one.

Because you were good friends before the breakup, and both want to salvage it from the wreckage for it's own worth.

 

I've noticed some people have a need to be critical of this, since it doesn't fit their preconceptions of behavior. There's no law that precludes it.

 

 

I agree 100%. it's totally possible. I also think it depends on the realtionship you had. Mine was LD for a while, so we were great friends before the realtionship truly began.

Right not, there are too many emotions( we both still love each other very much) between us to be friends. But I believe in time we will.

[Dako]

We are like siblings now....

 

That's it! I've been trying to find the words to describe it.

My ex is like a sister to me now. Not the cranky old sister I was born with, but a good one.

 

Thanks, Dilly.

[melrich]

I'm still good friends with all my exes that I had reasonably long relationships with (4). But in each case we had a period of at least 6 months or so where we just did not see each other at all, in one case it was 2 years.

 

I think the biggest mistake people make is they push for the friendship too soon. You have to allow both parties to make the transition in their own time.

 

I don't agree with Dako. I think just as many friend to relationship situations turn sour as newly met to relationship. The determinate about whether it is desirable or not should not be because they were a friend before the relationship. I presume whatever, they were a friend during the relationship. That to me is what is important. But for the relationship part, they are generally the same person.

[g44]

maybe this sounds weird but maybe its because u think the other person is kewl. just because u couldn't be gf/bf why should that that mean that the good qualities they have as a person should be discounted as well. if i was to ask an ex to be friends, there would be no hidden agenda, no spy vs. spy, and if they felt and knew u as a person they would understand that...not everyone can do that...but i have always maintained a friendship with someone that was my ex...as far back as 1980! wow. however, i think i might have broken that streak...all u can do is put out the offer and except if they tell u 'NOPE' no can do'. and that's ok. if an offer of simple friendship is something they are not happy with that is their right to decline. trust is the key. and understanding that all the person is showing u is respect. anyhooooooooooooooo....either way, it is nothing to get worried about.

[redandblack]

I would never want to. There is way too much complexity in those types of 'friendships' -- something I try to avoid in my life. To me, moving from a friendship to a relationship is a step up. Likewise, moving from a relationship to a friendship is a step down -- something I will not accept if the breakup wasn't 100% mutual. When it comes to love, it's all or nothing for me.

[Dilly]

Again, my big criteria for deep friendship is understanding and those I fall in love with tend to eventually understand me more than those who serve as my mediocre friends. I am a tough, complex person - I tax the crap out of people and those people who actually stick by my side for a few years usually have their reasons and though they don't tend to offer as much understanding during the relationship, the time apart gives them time to reflect on the dynamics of each of our personalities. I think you can lose respect for a person and have no real reason to talk with them again. An ongoing relationship requires respect, understanding, and warmth and without respect, why bother? But I wouldn't spend three years with anybody I didn't respect (maybe not 100% respect, but likely I'd respect them enough to care to keep in touch). Anyway, I'm not anti-NC - I agree the relationships need time to heal before starting fresh with friendly chatter.

[NJRon]

I feel lovers come and go... but friends are forever. When faced with a decision, I would rather be friends...

[brando]

Why not?

If two people can be amicable after a relationship, then what is wrong with a friendship.

 

I think their are two many preconceptions about love and realtionships and breakups that we are all still lost in a void.

 

But what do i know??

[g44]

exactly dills. just think about it. this person probably knows u better than any friend u ever had because they have seen all sides...and they don't just give u lip service, they challenge u, u have felt a wide range of emotions with them and being able to still over come that and be friends is wicked. i would rather have someone that pointed out things and challenged me. and when u think about it, because u had been in a relationship with this person, you probably experienced and showed a side of yourself that no-one else has seen and isn't that a valuable thing...i got one hand in my pocket and the other one...lol