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My girlfriend recently broke up with me and to be completely honest I don't blame her one bit. We were together for three years while we were both at college and while a lot of it involved much love, passion, romantic meals and declarations of undying love I was struggling with a lot of issues which she more often than not suffered for. My drinking didn't help and while I was never physically abusive I would pick up on things she said and exaggerate them making scathing remarks and sending harsh texts. I can't remember the lovely nights I ruined taking stuff out on her instead of taking responsibility for my own problems. In truth I believe she wasted her personal quota of tearful sleepless nights on me. I'm grateful she tolerated me this long and realise now how strong she was all this time.

My problem is that recently I've started to take real control of my life. I've stopped drinking and have been very successful in being more temperate in my ways and confronting and dealing with my issues. People have even commended me on my efforts, I haven't had a row with anybody in about three weeks which is a record. Even within myself it feels like someone has just come and taken away all the horrible negative stuff, except for the obvious pain of losing my ex. I suppose I have what people call better Karma.

 

This is the real me but I felt a lot of pressure in college and we were actually engaged in an interfaith relationship which didn't really bother her but became an unshared burden on me. I'm sorry to say she only knew me through my bad time. While I was sorting myself out however she came to the conclusion that it was time to move on with her life and while I don't deny this was a sensible choice given the facts it really does feel like the most rotten timing. It's like she gave me 2 chances and gave up when I know the third would have made the difference. We did speak about it but no matter how much I tried I couldn't convince her it was worth another go, and again I can't blame her. But she seemed completely unmoved, almost cold, I mean I wouldn't have even known we were broken up if I hadn't insisted we meet for lunch since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks, and even then I had to come to my own conclusions when she pulled her hand away from me.

To tell you the truth I still don't know when exactly, or why exactly for that matter, I was dumped. She seemed happy to just let it fizzle out without a chat a call or a text. Even when I asked her for one last date she just sat there and said it wouldn't do any good as if she was telling me the time of day. She even accused me of trying to coherce her into getting back with me. I feel that she seems to have turned her love off with some sort of switch and even with all the things we went through I know this doesn't do our relationship justice. More recently she's stopped answering my calls she actually said it was so that I would start to resent her and leave her alone.

 

I know she decided to do all this now that she's just finished college and started a new job, in other words she's in a period of fresh starts, but is it possible that she convinced herself to fall out of love with me so easily? And boy did she love me. After loving me so much could she quickly have given her heart to someone else? Have I blown my chances altogether? How do I convince her I've changed? And that my change was inspired by her since I now realise there are things in life that just don't matter if you don't have the love of your girlfriend? I just wonder if someone who was devoted to me for so long could move on just like that? Does it mean she never genuinely loved me in the first place? I mean girls all over the world are probably screaming "serves you right" but genuine love was never a problem.

 

I'm not trying to say that now after all this time I'm sorting myself out she should just snap to attention but if we could love each other so much going through all that hassle for three years in what was essentially a college romance I can only imagine what it would be like if we approached it as adults and with a lot less selfishness on my part. It would seem a shame to waste what I know could be a beautiful relationship even if after giving it one hundred per cent we realise we're not for each other. There was a time she used to believe that, now she says we just need time, I presume to find closure but what she doesn't realise is she's given me no explanations with which to find this closure. I'm totally in the dark as to what she did, when she did it, why she did it and why she's being so hardhearted now. I'm so mad at myself for wasting three years with the most beautiful sensitive woman in my life and I know I deserve to suffer but do I have any chance of convincing her this time will be different or are my "just desserts" going to stay with me forever?

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Hi Mykey,

 

I first want to say congratulations on taking your life back! Good for you! Keep up the good work, keep searching for the answers inside yourself...and everything will work itself out.

 

Your post touched me. i was engaged to an alcoholic who i loved very much. I can't tell you how many nights i spent awake crying because of his drinking and all the other things that go with it...like lying, blowing things out of proportion, all of the things you describe you did in your post. He knew i loved him. He knew how to say the right thing...that he would quit, that he loved me more the drink, that he would never lie to me again, that he wouldn't blow up at small issues, that he would become more emotionally available and contribute to our relationship.

 

After a while those promises became so empty .... and i began to realize THIS is who he is..and there isn't anything i can do to change him.

 

So i walked away- he would leave letters for me at my apt, call me saying how much he loved me and wanted me back. I never responded to any of it. The only way i knew how to keep him out of my life was to turn as cold as i knew how to be.

 

The part about how when you grabbed her hand and she pulled away? i can relate to that.... there came a point when his touch even felt like lies.

 

So your ex girlfriend may very well still care for you....but thankfully she cares more for herself and has moved on.

 

my suggestion to you is to continue with your sobriety.... get some professional help, and leave your ex alone.

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She is doing what she believes is the best thing for her. You should respect her wishes. If she thinks that she would like to try again with you, she will contact you, if not, then learn from your mistakes, and move on. I know it's a harsh choice, but in the long run, you will be better off.

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I agree with Rickster...actions do speak louder than words. It's wonderful that you're making changes, they'll benefit you for the rest of your life! I also think it's important to realize (and show her) that you're not doing this JUST for her, but for yourself and your own happiness. She could possibly be thinking that you're just acting nicely until she comes back, and once she does, things will be back to the way they were. Unfortunately, three weeks may not be recognized as enough by some people. Eventually, she may realize that you really are serious about setting your life on track, but it may not be for a while...hang in there and keep up the good work!

 

It's such a pity that sometimes it takes a painful breakup to inspire us to make changes...

 

Believe me, I know how you're feeling, I'm at the same point of trying to fix certain bad behaviors and showing my ex that I can be the girl he deserves...Let's get through this together!!!

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mykeyg,

 

I'm with you, and just now, after reading the replies to your post, I have realised that actions speak louder than words.

 

Over the past two months, since me and my ex girlfriends break up, I have been really trying to better myself, I still realise though that after two months my actions are still the same somewhat. I still am not completely loving and confident to myself.

 

I haven't smoked marijuanna, kind of like your alcohal, but there is more I need to complete. Your article reflected basically exactly our relationship and "healinghandswordheart" REALLY gave me insight to how she was feeling.

 

Anyways, thank you for your post it showed me a lot of insight, not only that there was someone in the same position as me, but that my actions speak louder than words, though i heard this many times.

 

Again, i really hope things work out good for you

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hey....u just need to listen to what she just told u...she understand what happened...what u have said...she has made herself clear...and if you read back what u said...u will see that...she has told you she just wants time to figure things out, do what she needs and wants too...that pretty sweet buddy..so, as i see it - just go do yer thing and she will to and she has told you the ball is in her court...maybe she will contact u - maybe she won't...but she has given u an answer to your question - so don't ask again...she knows where things stand...and you both should be congratuated for being able to show such respect...good luck

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