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I'd really like to end it.


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Why was I given such a crappy hand.


When I was six my dad died, I got over it after a few years had passed. My mother remarried two years later to a man with two boys of his own, they then had a child of their own, my ten year-old halfsister.So overall I have two sisters, two stepbrothers and a halfsister. I am now 19 and I'm the bastard child of the family, plain and simple.


All of my siblings are smarter than me and am repeatedly reminded of this when they point out that they got a 100 on a test they didn't study for. While I scrap by to find the motivation to study for a test I might achive a passing grade on, only to forget the material two months down the road making my efforts useless. I know where I got my brains from too, my mother, which sickens me because I hate to think of my mother as stupid and it feels like I'm betraying her with my thoughts. Not only that but I think she realizes that my family and myself think that and it's killing her. I'm not sure if it's ADD or what but I can't recall information or follow instructions for beans.


I am also the ugly one in the family. My eldest brother, is the best looking one of all of the males and receives all the attention from the women and respect of the men. And it's so painfully obvious, for example, while talking to my pastor with my brother, the pastor kept full eye contact with my stepbrother even after I was the one that asked a question. And I can recall countless times where girls would look at me and pt on a disgusted face.


I've never had a girlfriend and can never see myself being in a relationship. This was my sole motivation for getting good grades in school, to get a good job, so I could eventually get married. Now that my plans have gone up in smoke I have no motivation to try anymore.


At first I didn't want to commit suicide because it would hurt my mother and it would be selfish of me, but now I wonder if it's selfish of her to keep me here. I mean it's not like it's my fault I'm choosing to do this and here's why; I never choose the brain I have, my looks or the environment I grew up in, all of which affect my subconscious, and my subconscious dictates how I act. I don't see why I should be held responsible for my actions by some God when ultimately he created me, whether directly or indirectly, along with my thoughts hence my actions.


I'd like to think my life is worth it but maybe some are just worth more than others.

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You are the choosen one, i bet if you look at your sibbling they all watch mtv, adn listento the radio and wear what everyone else where,but you have not drowned in that pool which america gave us,you know what is happening around the world,for the phisycal part, there is always surgery, or new haircut or something,but listen carefully you are only one of the select few that are here cause you understand that you are worth more than that.


You will never ride in a BMW or mercedez-Benz, or have a million dollar home, but what you will have or come to realize is that you will have freedom, justice,Change.thats what happens to us chossend ones where here not for us, but for others those who cant help thems self, your sibbling mighthave millions of dollars, ut the thing you will have is a million followers, a million poor kids looking up at you as a hero, a million good feelings back.


Go out there and help those who cant hep them selfs, Think outside the box....... Get it read betwwen the corporate,media, and holywood propaganda. If all fails keeps searching your only 19, its the beggining of a revolution, your revolution.


Thats what i think, but maybe some else has a more study grasp on this.


Good look man, choose wisely

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I feel you man. I didn't really get the smarts of the family either. My brothers both are amazing at every subject in school, while I on the other hand get mediocre grades. School isn't all about hard work and discipline I believe, I think that it also involves a certain degree of intelligence. But anyway, about your looks, your probably not as ugly as you think. You just have to highlight your attributes (the 40-year old virgin has a point there haha). It makes such a difference, changing your clothing style and such, having good hygiene, all makes a great difference to how people view you (if you care anyway), and it will boost your self-esteem/confidence, something I believe your lacking a good amount of.


If girls give you repulsed looks, don't worry about them, they have issues. They shouldn't bother you, there the ones with problems not you...unless your looking at them in a lusty way that makes them really uncomfortable, then I think they have the right to look at you like that.


This was my sole motivation for getting good grades in school, to get a good job, so I could eventually get married. Now that my plans have gone up in smoke I have no motivation to try anymore.
See here...you had a mindset that was basically set on how you wanted to rely on someone to clean up your act for you. You shouldn't view getting a girlfriend for this, it is not there job to get your **** together. You should look at getting a girlfriend, as for possibly getting dating experience, and just experimenting with different types of girls, maybe if your more serious your looking for someone with similar interests to yourself.


See I think commiting suicide is rather pointless, you can fix all the stuff you have in front of you. It's a irreversible error to a temporary problem. Think about it.

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James, right now it has all collapsed in on you and you are at a low point in your life. Ppl grow and change, mentally and physically. You have no idea how you will look in a couple of years. I had the worst hair growing up and I was so self continous about it. As time went on and I learned different things I could do with it, I had other girls envying my hair.


Go get tested for ADD, there are meds out there that will help you so much. You have to first learn to love yourself and show that in your actions then others will pick up on your positive vibes and you cant imagine how that can change things.

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James some good words here, and there all true,


Let me add some more it may help.


You have a brain, sorry but ya do and heres the real deal there are more than one kind of brains. I know guys who eat maths and **** C++ but have no idear how the rest of the human race thinks or feels. They will go throw the hole life never knowing what art, beauty and pashton cold fish the lot of them.


See I got the bad end of the stick to, me my heads broken, letters and words move all over the place in there (see spelling here), its called dyslexia for years I felt dumb and others would say I was to, family would say I was, class mates and work mates. Then I got into Enganiring there where no words and letters just stuff to make and I found my hands have brains. I can make stuff you would not believe, I found I could paint and sculept. Then WOW baby did that make my world ROCK! now I had a voice I could say what was in my hart in images and thinks I could make. No longer dumb I was of to art collage.


now years later I can say stuff in words yes its all over the place but I dont care, I aways know that, that time when others shone and I did not made me think difareante. I dont see as they see, I dont look as they look.

My world is not there world, my world is more fun than that. I have been called freak, odd, nuts, from planet Ziro (from one of the kids I looked after) all I know is my mind dos not work as others to.


and I like that, I used to hate it I wonted to be so much like them and shine for them but I came to see I was good just as I am.


I also larnt that brains dont mean much in the big wide world, if that was true then all the smart pepale would be rich, but have a look around there not.


I know a guy who could not read yet was warth Millons, he was a biulder who got into fixing up old houses and last time I met him he had 20+


So how do all this chatter help you.


The point is your life is what you make it, if you look at others all the time and say im not as good as them, why am I not like them your heading for a world of pain. You are you and you is good, your one of a kind Kido go with it, be your self, the odd ball, the black sheep, the one who thinks for him self Andres was 100% right there.


So if you life in others eyes there is aways some one better, even if you get to the top some one will aways be heading your way to take your place. So stop tring to beat others and start thinking a new way.


remember To be garte, find the thing your good at and become the best at it. It could be any thing from caring to shaping the world.


Be the best you can for your self, sounds odd I know but its cool, its like playing gulf alone, your playing the time and place not others, your seeing how well you can do for yourself what is the right thing to do then and there. Its hard as hell when every one is telling you to do it there way but dont follow the sheep.


believe me when you do you will find your self a harder task maniger than any one you know. Becouse you know when your slacking and when your not pushing your self and you will know when you are doing wrong.

Once you have that others will follow you, leaders are made James not barn, your brothers will look up to you if your have a strong will and do things your way. Others can teach you but always be your own man.


A hammer can not forge a strong soul on wet sand it needs cold steel to hammer on.


Be strong when others are weak, be true when others are fulse, and alwasy stand for what is right. Do that evry day of your life and you will see a change in the way others see you.


heres a tip for life


Brains you can alway buy but Inspiration thats priceless.

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Hello. I'm what you'd call a "geek" or "nerd" because I'm very smart, but due to ADD I get poor grades in school. I have never had a real life friend, all of mine have been online. My fieance Jesse lives in Tennessee and I live in Colorado. It will be a few more years before we can meet, and that's what keeps me alive. I am very unstable, I could go from happy to suicaidal in less than a day. I too, am what you'd call "ugly" but I don't care. I want a girl who'll like me for who I am, not what I look like.


Sure a lot of things will go bad in your life, but try to look at the good things too. When you're suicaidal, you can only look at the bad. I know you want to live, or else you wouldn't have posted here asking for help. I know I'm a nobody and you'll probably not care what I have to say, but please, try to find something to keep you happy.


All my childhood I had savere depression, and the only thing that kept me from wanting to die was a cartoon called Pokemon. To this day my relationship with it has been discribed as beyond obsessive, but I don't care. Pokemon is what I care about, and no one can take that away from me. Now, you should find something you care about and make that your reason to live.


As for girls, I'm asexual, so I don't lust for them. I can't stand the thought of me ever having sex and I never want to do it. But I love Jesse for who she is, not that she's a good looking girl. (Jesse is the most beautiful girl I know) I want her to by the mother of my future kids, and I know she'll make a great one. As for you, it may take a long time to find the right girl, but don't give up. If you kill yourself, you'll never have the chance to meet another girl. If you want to have a GF, try meeting one online like I did. If you go to the right places you'll find one easy. Please, don't give up. I know life seems hard right now but it'll get better. Yah, it might even get worse in the future, but if you look at the bad instead of the good you'll want to live. I want you to live. I hate seeing people go through what I went through and so I dedicate my time helping those in need.


I see you've only made one post, so you'll be unable to send PMs until you make 10 posts. So, if you want to contact me either reply to this thread or email me at email removed but either way please do it. I want to help you. I have never actualy helped another person in this situation, I want to do it at least once in my life. So, can I save your's today?

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Guys thanks for the help!


It's nice to see that complete strangers can care about others so much! I've asked to see a doctor about my possible condition and I'm hoping to get some help with my studies. I'm also exlporing my possible strengths and searching to see what kind of brain I have.


And as for having a girlfriend, I don't know sometimes I care and sometimes I do, hehe I just don't know what I want sometimes. For the most part I really just want someone to spend my life with, that's all. But for now I'll enjoy playing my videogames (World of Warcraft) and just live day by day.


As for my post, I was just having a down day, like most people I pop in and out of it sometimes.


Thanks again for your help, each and everyone of you!

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I want you to remember these three things the next time you're feeling low:


1) You are totally unique, and without you the world will be a less diverse place. Each and every individual is very much like an endangered species.


2) One doesn't have to be Brad Pitt or a Fulbright scholar to find happiness (although you sound pretty smart from your posts). Do not underestimate your potential.


3) You are not a "bastard child", you are a "black sheep"; the kind of person that we millions of other dark-wooled mavericks appreciate most.

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