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Making the same mistakes -- scaring him away!!!


laboheme
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I'm such a horrible person...and as much as try to get a grip on myself, I just can't do it...The ex and I were supposed to meet up for lunch today, and for a movie later tonight. Well, he called me to say that he was held up at work, but we can still do lunch, it's just going to be quick, not long and leisurely like we were planning (mini-rant: I hate how everybody at his workplace can't do anything without him and he, being a manager, always gets stuck fixing other people's messes!!!). My reaction: "Oh. Don't even bother then, it's useless to try and squeeze it in anyway. Nice job sticking to the plan." He tried to convince me that although we didn't have a lot of time, lunch was still possible...but after hearing my tone of voice, he said that it sounds like I don't want to do it at all...So of course, we didn't get to discuss movie plans over the non-existent lunch, and now I'm here instead of at his house. And I don't blame him at all, since I was talking in that "how dare you disappoint me and ruin our plans! You know what, whatever..." tone (as opposed to a friendly "it's okay, no worries, we'll get another chance.")

 

And it's not the first time this has happened. I have this patented, um, female dog mode. Never yelling, but clearly showing my frustration whenever things don't go EXACTLY as planned (even if it's my fault), sending him on guilt trips with that trademark bitter tone of mine. Yeah, not a good way to be, and I don't blame him for getting fed up with that. Unfortunately, my attitude hasn't improved since the breakup, as evidenced by today (and a couple of other instances). I really feel like it's pushing him away -- because, let's face it, who'd want to put up with this kind of behavior?

 

This is a vicious cycle of sorts. Unless our plans actually work out, I'll be a bitter unpleasant wench, and if I'm like that, he won't exactly be ready and willing to make more plans. What can I do??? I know it's a problem that I know needs to be fixed, but every time I'm even the slightest bit upset, I unleash my acidly sarcastic brand of wrath. So not attractive. Sounding a little sad (or agreeing to a short lunch instead of cancelling it altogether!) would be better than this. But no...the most I can do is be a major b**** and then send apologetic messages, because I really am sorry...At this rate, he'll start ignoring me completely to protect his own sanity...and then the same thing will happen to the next guy when/if he comes along. I just don't learn, do I?

 

I realize that I should be a fun, happy (read: attractive) person around him, but when we can talk for only a few minutes, it's so easy to spend that time acting upset about failed plans. When I see him in class tomorrow, I don't want to do the whole "You could've at least called me to discuss the movie!" thing (although I understand why he didn't want to call my little * * * * *ly self!). And if he brings it up, I just want to be able to smile and say that it's okay...and then proceed to talk about something fun! Oh, how to deal?

 

(By the way, he's not the only person who gets treated this way, so it's nothing about his persona...but because I spent more time with him than anyone else and expected more of him than anyone else, he had to suffer the most.)

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Hey LH-

 

"Unleash my acidly sarcastic brand of wrath"? :shocked!:

 

Well, there's a bit of a balance here. You want to be yourself, be genuine, but maybe make some behaviorial changes to take your edge off. I think that edge will come off to some degree with time as you get older as well.

 

Essentially, it sounds like you just need to chill out. Try expecting plans to fall through, expect all the lights to be red, expect your car to break down, everything. Prepare for the worst and then when it is way better, maybe you won't get so fired up.

 

And then stop before you unleash. Think about what you're doing, why you're doing it, and if there is a better way to get your point accross. Ask yourself if the person the receiving end really deserves what you're about to serve up.

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He confirmed it today: my irrational reaction yesterday frustrated him. We talked about it a little bit...he said that he thought I realized that this was a problem and was going to work on it, that he's been waiting for a positive change in my behavior to happen, but it never did...I'm not sure if he was talking about waiting before the breakup, or waiting after the breakup...But at any rate, it's clear that it wore him out. He does like my sarcasm...just not when it's taken overboard in an aggressive manner.

 

Still, in-between classes, we spent a full hour together, talking about random things...(Nothing romantic though ). I told him that I made an appointment to see a therapist (about this as well as some other things) -- he was shocked. As we were saying goodbye, I simply had to ask him if, with professional help, I do get a grip on myself...if he would consider giving us another chance. He said that we'll just have to wait and see how things go...I told him that if he knows there are no chances, he NEEDS to tell me NO, that he knows how dense I am when it comes to interpreting actions...But I never got that definite no, so I suppose I should try my luck...

 

I really need to buckle up and show him that I CAN control my emotions. Don't know how many chances I'll get outside of class...But until I get a professional opinion, I am bent on not expecting too much, thinking before I unleash, and generally just being friendly, happy and not trying to hide that smile I get on my face whenever I see him. Hold me to it, people!

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Pain sucks, flat out, but at the same time, it's the only way we will ever force ourselves to change and grow. If we're at a comfy position in life, we're not going to want to get out of it. Use this breakup as a valuable opportunity to really reexamine yourself and grow to be the person you want to be - the more the pain, the more the impetus to change, too.

 

And, yes, change is possible! Don't ever give up just because you aren't seeing progress as quickly as you'd like. As long as you are determined to change, it will happen. Once you are committed to personal growth, you will never slide back.

 

Best wishes.

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I simply had to ask him if, with professional help, I do get a grip on myself...if he would consider giving us another chance. He said that we'll just have to wait and see how things go...I told him that if he knows there are no chances, he NEEDS to tell me NO, that he knows how dense I am when it comes to interpreting actions...But I never got that definite no, so I suppose I should try my luck...

 

I sort of cringed when I read that. That sounds like me. I have blown a couple of relationships because I got too emotional and then said something similar to that. Sounds like if you really want this relationship, hold off on giving ultimatims. But if you want to move on, then, yeah, that would be appropriate thing to say.

 

I think if someone told me that after they were a real * * * * * to me, I'd back off. I've got to give him credit for being patient with you. Sorry, that's the honest truth.

 

Next time, take a deep breath and think things through before you say anything. That's what I've been trying to do.

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Hold me to it, people!

 

I think this has passed from "relationship" to something between "obsession", "addiction", and "mission".

 

Look at what you're doing. You're seeking professional help to change for him. You're so focused on showing him you can control your emotions. And you're trying to force answers out of him.

 

Who is this guy? And why is he worth more to you in your eyes than you?

 

And you say you should "try your luck". This thing is waaaaay beyond any association with "luck". I think you do have some things you should consider working on with a professional but associating them or the motivation to do so with this one guy isn't healthy. Do it for yourself. This situation with this guy is bringing you down and the chemistry, history, and precedents you have set with each other isn't somehting to "fix"...it is something to put away in your heart and move on from...

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I'm not changing for him (although if we got back together, I'd be the happiest girl in the world). It's not like I'm seeking help to try to come to terms with something that I may not like about him...It's that unless I work on myself, I won't be able to have any kind of committed relationship, with him or anyone else. Not many guys have the same kind of patience as this one, and even he got worn out. Nobody will be willing to tolerate that kind of behavior on a regular basis. So even if I don't get this one back, I won't repeatedly hurt someone else later on and end up losing guy after guy (heck, and friend after friend, too!)...and eventually end up an old maid who can't even have any cats because she yells at them too much! So yes, I am doing this for myself.

 

And I can't move on knowing how much emotional torture I must have inflicted on him...It's like...if you seriously wounded somebody, how can you forgive yourself and move on if you still have the bloody knife in your hand and have to look at it everyday? I have to make sure that it doesn't get used ever again.

 

PS. He's still talking to me though. He called me early in the morning to tell me he was feeling too sick to come to class and wanted to make sure that I wouldn't freak out when I got there and didn't see him. He knows me too well, I'd probably think that he hates me and dropped the class to avoid me completely...

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