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want to do NC but we have 2 kids


gfj
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any good ideas, after 7 years she said she wasnt' sure and needed time, we were not communicating well and pushing each other away, I realize now I wasn't giving the support or attention she needed, I would like to make it better but it's been about a month with no change, I try to stay away but I love my kid 1 and 6 years and would like to see them every day if I can. I would also like to help her out an give her support but don't want to pressure her?

any ideas ?

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Well you certainly need to stay in touch as it relates to your kids. If your wife isn't interested right now in closeness then keep your contact strictly limited to the children. Talk daily about the kids only. Talk to your 6 year old on the phone.

 

If you can see them every day even for just a little while thats really terrific. Kids need both parents to really be involved and I truly admire you for wanting the best for your children.

 

I can't promise you that your wife will come back, but I can promise you that your attitude will truly make a difference in your childrens lives. Perhaps with time, your wife will re-evaluate things and be willing to talk about the relationship again. Until then, focus on being the best person and best father you can.

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Hi gfj,

 

avman is 100% correct in everything said.

 

Your actions do and will impact the children for the rest of their lives. You show them that you love them and you will always be there for them.

 

It is kind of like a relationship, you promise the same things to you mate, but when your children are involved, you REALLY mean it.

 

Keep contact with your ex about your kids only, Most importantly, contact your kids and let them know you love them.

 

Good Luck!

bcuzitwasfun

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I am trying to fix the errors I made in the relationship, as we didn't argue or fight, one day she just had enough, and I didn't see it coming until it was too late. I just hope my being around regularly doesn't compromise our reconciliation. I feel she needs help and is very stressed out. The extra work load is not helping her in my opinion so I try and help where I can.

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part of my confusion is the main issue was I wasn't showing here regualar affection like a kiss or hug from day to day, I now realize I should have shown more and want to but by being around with the kids it is the same non affectionate relationship we had when we were together.

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I am trying to fix the errors I made in the relationship, as we didn't argue or fight, one day she just had enough, and I didn't see it coming until it was too late. I just hope my being around regularly doesn't compromise our reconciliation. I feel she needs help and is very stressed out. The extra work load is not helping her in my opinion so I try and help where I can.

 

I understand what you are saying. However you can't force her to give you a chance. You can keep doing what you are doing and work on yourself. That is totally great and it will only help you become a better person.

 

You being around your kids will not endanger a reconciliation. That will either happen or not on it's own merits. But your children need you. You can't cut contact with them in the hopes that it would cause a reconciliation. That will hurt them deeply and you don't want that to happen. If you feel that time together with your wife is hurting things, then take the kids on your own and spend time with them.

 

If your wife is overloaded, well then thats something she will have to learn to deal with. She's asked for a break in the relationship so she'll have figure out her workload by herself. Not having you around to rely on might cause her to rethink things a bit.

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well I asked her how she was doing and she said I was around too much seeing the kids. She lives in our house (where all my stuff is) and I was staying elsewhere, now she has decided to move out to an apartment so I will only pick up the kids and have no other reason to go there.

She says she feels empty inside and needs time, I would almost prefer her to just say there is no hope but maybe she doesn't know? I don't know. I'm not sure what to think of course I hope she gets things straightened out with herself and we can work out our relationship but I also think that holding on to hope might be hurting myself and maybe I should move on.?

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i've definitely let her know how I felt and how much I want to make it work but she says she can not return the same feeling and would be short changing me, I will just take time with my kids for now and try and wait a little longer, I just have no idea how long I should keep my hope up, it's been more than a month now since she let it all out and about a month since i've moved out but I still stayed a night or two a week in my 1 year olds room (who wakes up a lot) just so she could get a good nights sleep now and them.

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Can the kids stay with you for a night or two? Maybe you can tell her you want to take them off her hands so she can have some time to destress, take a bubble bath, whatever she needs.

 

Maybe you can be supportive in ways she doesn't expect, like treat her to a spa day where she can be pampered and get a massage, pedicure, and the like; a place where the focus will be all about her happiness and well being! You'd be able to spend time with the kids alone, w/out stressing her out, as well as giving her something she really needs- alone time all to herself!

 

Just a thought, hope it works...

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that's exactly what I have decided to do Sillygirl, I have not contacted her since wednesday, I have only seen my kids for a minute today since then, when they were at my mothers without their mother and I told my mother to tell her I will be picking up the kids from school and daycare monday night, keep them tueday and she can pick them up on wednesday from school and daycare so I will not have to see her.

She is moving into a friend of hers basement apartment this weekend so we will have little contact and I will try to do what I can to only see the kids,

 

This is very hard for me but I will do my best. I just hope she does not misread my break of contact as bad, maybe I should explain myself to her first I don't know?

I have talked to my friends in the past day or 2 a lot and know I love her and am completely committed to her and am willing to wait for her to come to terms with her feelings. What makes me love her the most is the respect I have for her being such a strong person and her leaving me makes me respect her even more.

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this is tearing me apart, I was with my kids for the last 2 days and have been trying my best limiting contact but it just seems to me that limited contact is what this whole breakup is about and it almost seems normal, but I don't want to smother her if that is not what she wants, I can't handle it anymore and will have to pressure her for some answers I'm afraid.

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I can't handle it anymore and will have to pressure her for some answers I'm afraid.

 

I think that would be a mistake. Continuing not to give her space and pressuring her for answers will only drive her away.

 

You've got a choice here. You can either give her the space she asks for and see if she comes around after some reasonable period, or you can say you have had enough and finish the divorce and move on. You can't force her to see things your way or make her ready to communicate with you.

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I wrote her a 5 page letter in a nice card and left it for her. tried not to make it forcefull in any way, just stated the realizations I had about problems in our relationship (she was good to me and I was good to her we agreed on things and didn't argue, it was just that we drifted apart with each owning our own business's and volunteering and we didn't communicate our problems) and that I wanted to do whatever it takes to work it out as I love her unconditionally. At least I think I will know what she is thinking if I get a response or not. If not I can move on and stop hurting myself waiting.

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Well I gave her the letter on wednesday night, she called thursday night thanking me for the card and letter and said it was nice and she would write one for me and I could get it in the morning since I had to drop some stuff off, she did not have one made and said she was too busy when I arrived. It's now saturday, I Had the kids today when she picked them up she took more stuff and still no letter. Granted she is busy with her business and the kids are a handfull, but I can hardly sleep with all this going on, she must be able to. Her actions on this letter have made merelaize I am better than being treated like this and I am moving on, I told her today I will be sorting through things and she will have to come out soon so we can divide things up. she had a bit of a surprised look on her face but I need this for myself.

I will tell her I still love her but need to move on and maybe if she figures herself out in the future we can go on if I'm still available and I haven't distinguished all my feelings for her, as that is what i'm working on now, so I can give myself the life I deserve.

I hope I'm not being hasty but the last 2 months have been hell.

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well I told her, I can't take it anymore and i need to move on and she seemed really unstable and unsure of what she was thinking, she seems really confused, she did not reply to my letter but I think because she has no thoughts if that's possible, I can't understand it , but that is what i get now. I suggested marriage couselling right from the beginning but she said she didn't need any. Today though when I said, all I want to know is if you know you don't want to be with me lets end it right now so I can move on and she said maybe we should go to councelling. Dragging me on more, I don't know but I'm willing to give her some more time and take some more pain for her and try the counselling. and try not to talk about it at all in the meantime while I pick up and drop off the kids.

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  • 2 weeks later...

gfj ..... as I read through the thread, I honestly thought I was reading my own story, as I too am basically going throught the samething.

 

Last nite, I said to my wife "you want time and space, me and the kids are fine with that" we have told her to leave. But she refuses to becasue she wants to be with the children.

 

That is where I am stubborn also, my children are older. But they need me just as equal, and I refuse to leave.

 

Once you have said to her, lets split up the stuff and move on, you get the look of shock from them ...... and then they say "well maybe we should seek couselling" Stick to your decision and suggest she goto single session counselling so she can figure out what SHE wants. In the meantime, tel her that once she figures out what she want's you may or may not be waiting for her.

 

It sounds hard to do, but if you have been doing this for 10 weeks now, she needs to have some sort of idea whether or not it is workable or not. Put the pressure on her, as you have bent over backwards accomodating her and the children. Let her start picking up some of those loose ends on her own for a change.

 

Good luck ... the NC is hard to do, put don't look for an excuse to talk to her or see her. Use a parent or a friend as a middle man if you have to. It is the best thing you can do.

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thanks for the input hammer, I saw her with the kids on the weekend which was pleasant as i posted here but didn't bring anything up

I won't push her until her counselling takes place probably a couple of more weeks, but I feel good about being by myself no matter what she decides, it's her loss.

how are you doing nc if your still living together? I didn't understand the separating part as i saw it as the end of the relationship but I think it's the best thing you could ever do now that i've done it. If she won't leave maybe you should for a while.

well i'm off to the gym.

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We have both took turns leavng for a week or so at a time, but the NC came through the work day, as we both were continually sending either e-mails or text messages to each other. It was not good, as we got no work down at our jobs and we both were basically waiting for the next text or e-mail.

 

We have agreed to talk to each in a civil manner at home in front of the kids. We communicate on the way home from work to give each other an estimated ETA or if we won't be home, or decide who is taking the kids to their social activities.

 

The part that really made my wife think is when I called in Reral Estate agent for home appraisal, then she knew I was serious. That is when she had said, that she really wanted to make it work. However, in order to make it work she needs to make changes, as I have made changes and continue to change my ways from the past. The reason I had asked her to leave "as it was her stating she wanted time" all I said as have all the time you want, but not here in the house.

 

As I have decided I am no longer going to bend over backwards as I have been doing that for the last 2 months myself, she has the issues now, NOT me. I have identified my issues and have been successful fixing them.

 

Basically the only communication we have is about day to day stuff, bills, financial and kids. We don't fight or argue anymore, it actually has been really good.

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wow, our situations seem very similar, except my ex took an empty apartment in a friends basement temporarily, buy now that i've put our place up for rent and packed most her stuff (i'm shopping for a house closer to the kis school) and she can't find a place, she is realizing how serious her decision was. At first I would have taken her back no matter what because it was a shock she left but, I'm at the point now where I won't take her back unless everthing is worked out and perfect. Time is a great healer

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