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Men..friends and other random thoughts.


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Well i have seem to put myself in a pickle... and i'd like some honest feedback.

 

Met someone... went out once.... as friends...then had a conversation that there was more there...the attraction chemestry and all that jazz.

 

Didn't spend a whole lot of time together..but enough to get a good feel for eachother.

 

We shared a lot of intimate, open, insightful and enjoyable conversation.

 

This past weekend we had "the" conversation..Where are we at? and where do we see this going? This conversation was brought up by him. He basically said that he didn't want to date other people because he was interested in giving "us" a shot and felt he couldn't do so if he was out searching for other dates. I agreed and said that i would not date other people. This conversation took place this saturday night.

 

Pretty cool huh? keep reading.....

 

Talked yesterday and then an email today about some things we'd like to do over the next few weekends...

 

He invited me out to dinner this evening...and well...now my belly is rumbling cause never made it to dinner...and here's why...lol

 

He said he had to talk to me..It seems the ex...whom he broke up with because he felt there was nothing between them....no chemestry..non of that zaaaaa we look for in a relationship. So he ended things and they remained friendly.

 

In the form of a book or journel (not sure which)...she began to open up and say how she was feeling. This left him confused and felt that as long as he felt confused then he didn't want to pursue things with me. I respect and appreciate that.

 

I can't lie...I am hurt and i feel betrayed...which confuses me because he was honest..so why would i feel betrayed?

 

I don't understand the pull that the "exes" have on people. I dont understand how an ex can say one thing and it sends someone into a talespin. i guess i'm different...when i break up with someone i stand firm on my decision. If it's over..it's over. So maybe someone who can understand this flip flop of emotions can explain it to me. Because i don't understand it. Which emotion is real? The emotion you feel for the new person that you walk away from or the emotion you feel for the ex?

 

I also wonder if i did the right thing by saying I didn't want to be friends and would like NC.... I saw the look on his face...he was sad that i didn't want that...and i'm sure he felt rejected in his own way...but ...I am my priority and for me... when i feel betrayed by someone ..i have a real hard time getting back to a place where i can trust. Trust is something i have been working on and i don't like that i just cut people out of my life...but i feel this is a different situation. I suppose i feel if we didn't have the conversation on saturday ...then i'd be like..eh ..what are ya gonna do ..but i feel because we did have the conversation...he put soemthing in the air that said...I like you...i like you enough to put my all into you...and then not even a full two days later you change your mind? This confuses me.

 

sigh - i'm babbling.... any input, feedback..kicks in the butt..wake up calls....would be appreciated.

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man.... I was so happy for you reading the first half of your post.... then.

 

Honestly, i think it might be the best in the long run. he seems rather "flighty" and it's better that he try to "rediscover" the chemistry with his ex now rather than 6 months down the road.... at least you didn't get too attached.

 

i remember last year, a guy asked me out online. we had a date to meet up at a bar at 8 PM on a monday night. i got an e-mail sunday morning saying that he was sorry, but was cancelling the date as "it appears that the ex may be in the picture again" and he closed the match.

 

Well, i guess it didn't work out because 2 months later, he was signed up and active on another online site!

 

so.... I don't know - I think you are better off. yes, it is frustrating and maddenning. he seems to be searching for something that may or may not exist.... like one day he wants to be with you, the next day he wants to see if he can make things work with the ex. I gaurantee you within 1 month, it will be over with the ex again, and he will be at square 1.

 

good luck

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I know right! lol

 

The odd thing...is that this isn't the first time this has happened.... the ex coming back in the picture... my last two relationships ended for the same reason.

 

I just wonder what signs am i missing that i keep getting involved with or attracting men who have there ex issues unresolved.

 

Id like to stop this pattern...however, i don't know where to begin...as i can't see what i could do ..besides not believe a word out any body who has an exe...lol and well..ummm that doesn't l eave a lot of options open..lol

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yeah, what's really odd about your situation is that he broke up with her! now, I can understand the ex that gets broken up with who is still carrying a torch for their ex, but I don't know what his deal is.... revisionist history?

 

I don't think you are really doing anything wrong. i don't think you are doing anything obvious like going only after married men or something.

 

did you have any indication in advance that there was an issue with the ex? how far in did they break up with you? did they appear to have legitimate reasons for staying friends with the exes?

 

I know I have met some men online that were fresh out of a divorce, and I got the impression from some of them that if the ex were to come back, they would go back in a heartbeat. now, I guess that is good, that they want to give their marriage a real shot, just a warning sign for me! I never met with those men.

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Well they were only dating...they dated for a few months but he said tha the felt it was better that they were friends and i don't know how often they talked or what their conversations consisted of.... all i know is she put the hook out there and he bit.

 

I'm not sure exactly when the break up was...july maybe?

 

oddly enough my ex contacted me and basically confessed his love... and i felt..we broke up for a reason ..why go back?

 

am i alone in this thought process? lol

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no, i also feel that it is over for a reason, and i'm not so open to getting back with exes.... i think a lot of people feel that way also, just not everyone....

 

for me, i am always curious why the guys i am dating are friends with some exes.... there could be a legitimate reason (ie, kids, mutual property that needs to be sold, they are coworkers and need to remain civil), or it could be that one person still has feelings for the other.....

 

i don't know.... if I meet a guy with an ex as a good friend, I kind of put it on my "mental note" list.....

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Oh HHWH

 

I am sorry that you feel a bit low. I agree with Annie. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. There is no way you can really know if a person is still hung up on their ex...well unless you ask them right in the smack dab beginning. I actually admire how you handled yourself. I also think telling him that you don't want to be friends is alright too.

 

I think people give more creedance to going back with the ex because its familiar and safe. There isn't that vast land of discovery there is with a new person.

 

I don't understand why some choose to go back? Why go back to the familiar and safe? Why not see what new adventures lie ahead? Fear is a funny emotion. It is good and bad. The fear of the unknown can stop people dead in their tracks. However, I don't see that you will have that problem. In what I have read in your posts you seem very sure of yourself and your wants and needs. You need someone else that also is sure of themself and their wants and needs. This guy wasn't sure and he lost a great chance.

 

I read this and thought I would share it with you. To just reaffirm that you are a confident, fearless, awesome, woman.

 

The confident woman know that she's loved.

The confident woman refuses to live in fear.

The confident woman avoids comparisons.

The confident woman does not say "If only" and "What if"

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There is no way you can really know if a person is still hung up on their ex...well unless you ask them right in the smack dab beginning.

 

maybe we should start doing just that! come up with a questionarrie....

 

it is odd, this year, i have attracted many alcoholics, I don't know why....

 

recently I went to a party and was flirting with a cute guy there.... we got on the topic of relationships and I said, "I would never date anyone who drinks to self-medicate." and he just said sheepishly, "oh, I do that...."

 

well... i guess I found out WAY early on that is not the man for me!

 

(i've actually had a similar experiences with several other men and that conversation on the first date!)

 

LOL - maybe you SHOULD ask them early on jokingly if they are still in love with their ex and see what they say?

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Thanks Work..

 

ahhh we are always a work in progress huh? No matter how sure you are there is always something that comes along and makes you step back and say....woah.

 

I don't feel the my confidence has been shattered...if anything every time i walk away from a potentially unhealthy situation i always feel a little stronger, like i have gained better understanding of myself, my wants and needs.

 

but sigh, i see a pattern here....in my life and i know its something i need to look at a little more closely... maybe i'm the one who isn't ready for a full commitment so i attract people who can't give me what i need.... but i feel ready...so thats whats got me confused.

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I don't know that you are really doing anything wrong.... could just be statistics....

 

for example, i live in a town where the culture of drinking is very large. so, I guess it makes sense that i would run into many men that have issues surrounding drinking.

 

heartbreak is pretty universal, as is pining for your ex. if it weren't, enotalone probably wouldn't exist (or it would to a much lower amount). i guess it is just random that you have been meeting these men who say that they are over their ex, when they really aren't.

 

it's like I said, it's not like you are one of those people who is continutally going after married men and women. some people do that as their pattern. that one seems more obvious to avoid.

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Oh no..... I just got home from work and I see this.... I am so bummed right now... I was really really happy that things seemed to be going so well for you... I know you were looking forward to having a good evening tonight and everything.

 

I don't really have any good input. I haven't been posting on other people's threads because I feel like I am having such a hard time that I wouldn't be of any help....

 

So the only thing I can say is I'm sorry it didn't work out and I hate that you are bummed about it. I was happy that at least one of us had a good thing going sigh...

 

You are sooooo awesome and don't forget that! That guy missed out and he may not know it but you are a great catch so try and smile....

 

Rob

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I don't really think that you could be doing anything wrong to attract these guys. I mean how would you ever know that this would happen? The guy TOLD you that he liked you and wanted to date you. How could you have an idea that a day or two later things would completely change.

 

Do yourself a favor though and try not to get gun shy and think that every guy will go back to his ex. Remember that Tara girl that never talked to me again because my ex was around enough just to make a comment about me? I would have dated Tara and never thought twice about my ex or anyone else but she will never know that or know how good I would have treated her.

 

Try to cheer up. You're awesome and everyone here knows it. I think you just have had some crappy luck with these guys. Their loss though ya know?

 

Rob

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I can't lie...I am hurt and i feel betrayed...which confuses me because he was honest..so why would i feel betrayed?

 

We are not actually betrayed by anyone else, but by our own expectations.

 

I don't understand the pull that the "exes" have on people. I dont understand how an ex can say one thing and it sends someone into a talespin. i guess i'm different...when i break up with someone i stand firm on my decision. If it's over..it's over. So maybe someone who can understand this flip flop of emotions can explain it to me. Because i don't understand it. Which emotion is real? The emotion you feel for the new person that you walk away from or the emotion you feel for the ex?

 

As seen here, it is not a matter of what is real, but a matter of choice or temprament. You appear to be strong willed. (Some) others more just go with the flow (of feelings).

 

I also wonder if i did the right thing by saying I didn't want to be friends and would like NC.... I saw the look on his face...he was sad that i didn't want that...and i'm sure he felt rejected in his own way...but ...I am my priority and for me... when i feel betrayed by someone ..i have a real hard time getting back to a place where i can trust. Trust is something i have been working on and i don't like that i just cut people out of my life...

 

The feeling of not liking that you cut people out of your life is understandable. This feeling is telling you that cutting people out is disowning, denying part of your life. It is understandable that initially after a breakup there may be a necessity to distance oneself, have no contact; but this is not the same as disowning, denying. Disowning, denying is disowning, denying ones own feeling. Trust is trusting feeling.

 

but i feel this is a different situation. I suppose i feel if we didn't have the conversation on saturday ...then i'd be like..eh ..what are ya gonna do ..but i feel because we did have the conversation...he put soemthing in the air that said...I like you...i like you enough to put my all into you...and then not even a full two days later you change your mind? This confuses me.

 

I imagine he did not say "i like you enough to put my all into you". He maybe meant more like he is attracted to you (has feelings for you) and wanted to see where it would lead. He did not really change his mind, he was following his feelings. Then he became aware that, as a result of new information, that his feelings were stronger elsewhere and so he followed those feelings.

 

I just wonder what signs am i missing that i keep getting involved with or attracting men who have there ex issues unresolved.

 

I have found that the signs that I miss are the signs that I am generating. You say that you "keep getting involved with or attracting men who have there ex issues unresolved". Are they really unresolved or just not 'put behind them'. And is anything we have experienced really put behind us. As seen here, not really.

 

Id like to stop this pattern...however, i don't know where to begin...as i can't see what i could do ..besides not believe a word out any body who has an exe...lol and well..ummm that doesn't l eave a lot of options open..lol

 

One begins with feeling. One is with feeling. Being with feeling is what everyone can do. Being with feeling, one knows what to believe; one believes ones feeling, one trusts ones feeling; one is ones feeling. There are no options with feeling. One feels ones way.

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