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Scared and alone


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I've posted quite a bit here lately. I ended my relationship with my GF of 8 months because our 13 year age difference- She is older. Along the way, we partied like spring breakers, even engaging in a threesome with another woman. I quickly learned that fantasy is different than reality. I was talking to someone online, and then she did it to get back at me. Truth be told, she is one of the sweetest women I have ever met, and I feel like I brought out the worst in her. The other day, she told me "I would love you for the rest of your life if you would let me". I can't even think about it without breaking down. I want to love her and be loved, but I am so scared by our age difference. I keep seeking out women much older than myself, and I don't know why. I know if I called her, I could persuade her to call me back to talk. I don't want to do that to her, as I want her to heal. I carry so much guilt for hurting her. I really don't like myself right now, and would like some advice on how to start turning things around for myself. Thank you for listening.

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You mention a 13 year age gap, but what are your ages? What is it about the age gap that scares you so much that you'd break up over it? Or are there more factors contributing to the break up?

 

I'm 11 years older than my husband. We met when I was 37 and he was 26. We've been married a little over 4 years and this is the best relationship either of us has ever been in. The age difference has never been a major/serious issue.

 

IMO, an age difference is only an issue if one or both parties makes it an issue.

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If it's the age difference, let me tell you this: my mother is 67 years old and has way more energy than I do! We're only as old as we allow ourselves to be, which means, if we lead a healthy lifestyle, we're often in better health than people much younger than us.

 

Also, you two could always adopt if having children is important to you.

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You mention a 13 year age gap, but what are your ages? What is it about the age gap that scares you so much that you'd break up over it? Or are there more factors contributing to the break up?

 

I'm 11 years older than my husband. We met when I was 37 and he was 26. We've been married a little over 4 years and this is the best relationship either of us has ever been in. The age difference has never been a major/serious issue.

 

IMO, an age difference is only an issue if one or both parties makes it an issue.

 

I am 34, and she is 47. I have dated older women before, and been hurt badly. I know she is not the same as the others, yet it scares me. I think of the "She'll be 50, I'll be 37". I miss her, but can also tell that I am scared of being on my own.

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I am 34, and she is 47. I have dated older women before, and been hurt badly. I know she is not the same as the others, yet it scares me. I think of the "She'll be 50, I'll be 37". I miss her, but can also tell that I am scared of being on my own.

 

It is not fair to you or yourself to judge a current partner based on what happened with previous partners, how previous partners behaved and how previous partners treated you. If the same sort of thing keeps happening to you (being treated poorly), the thing to do is take a long, hard, honest look at yourself and try to figure out why you're seeking out similar people to become involved with, and learn to make healthier choices for yourself. What I mean by that has nothing to do with a (potential) partner's age -- but rather how a (potential) partner treats you.

 

I had a pattern of picking guys who treated me badly when I was younger. It was a hard habit to break, but worth the time and effort.

 

What, exactly, is it about the idea that when she's 50 you'll be 37 that freaks you out?

 

Is it that you want to have kids and she doesn't want to or she's too old to? Having a family is one of those areas where there is no way to compromise. If there's a mismatch in expectations here (one partner wants children & the other doesn't), it usually leads to a break-up no matter what ages the partners are.

 

Are you afraid if you get into a serious/long-term relationship with her that she will die first? If that's the case, the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter what age your partner is or what your age gap is...there is still a chance that your SO will die before you do.

 

Have you ever been single for an extended period of time (say, a year or more) before? Staying with someone or getting into a relationship because you're afraid to be alone is not a good foundation to build on. The healthiest relationships are formed when both partners have a healthy, loving relationship with themselves and feel whole and complete on their own most of the time.

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I have not been single for quite some time. I was actually in the process of healing when I began this past relationship. It was easy in the beginning, because we were just having fun. She went along with it for fear of losing me. We really had a good conversation when I saw her the other day, and both cried our eyes out. She asked me to promise her that I would "Think about the future", and I promised I would. I called her earlier, and she is not calling me back. Maybe that is best as we need time to heal.

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Ok...yes, it does sound like you would be best served by going it alone for a while. While it can be tough going at first, I think most people do find that "alone" time spent working on the relationship they have with themselves does pay off in the long run.

 

Since it sounds like it was a fairly amicable parting, that would tend to leave the door open to reconnecting down the road, after you've gotten things sorted out for yourself--and if you want to.

 

For now, just keep the focus on yourself and you'll be fine.

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