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Too Comfortable to Leave? Or too stupid to See how good I've got it?


nip
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Hello...

I'm really new to this whole thing...

 

I really do not know what to do. I feel as though this anxiety is going to overcome me.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and for the past month or more I have been in great anxiety over the thoughts of breaking up. I know it might sound weird, but I wish he was a jerk so that I could understand why I want to leave him. Our realitionship up until recently has been based upon weekend visits since I have been going to school in a different city. Shortly before I moved in (after weeks of thinking I expressed my thoughts to him and we talked it out and I was soothed and I decided that I just had cold feet. Then a week later I felt the same anxiety on a camping trip- as though the person I was sitting next to did not know me and vice versa. This time I told him it would not work out and I had to break up with him. It was bad timing, but I had to do it. He of course was hurt and upset and I couldn't stand how cold he became (But then, how else did I expect him to react?). So, yet again, I backed down. The honey moon phase started all over again and I moved in with him and planned to look for a job and get my life going, etc. And this is where I am now. I am usually an independent person, and yet the thought of stepping out of the house gives me great anxiety. The thought of getting a job scares me- but so does the thought of being financially dependent on my boyfriend. He is 28 with a good paying career now and I am 22 and still not finished my schooling for a degree with an uncertain future. I am also taking a year off my studies after completing my first two years of my degree because he does not want to quit his job (understandably) and also does not want to do a long distance realtionship for another year or two. This is what I agreed to but I am in a strange limbo of sorts in a city with no friends and my boyfriend is now not sure if he can transfer for two years. So I feel stuck and panicky. And all the differences in interest that i used to find stimulating now feel like huge crevases between us. Also, perhaps becasue he is older than me, he sometimes talks to me as a father would to a child. He has been doing a good job of watching how he says things and he does take good care of me and he's really affectionate and gentle... but we're so different! But I know that all he wants is a companion and he does not force me to do anything- although he admits he can be a bit of a control freak about schedules and organization (a coping mechanism for his own anxiety disorder).

I'm babling, but I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Now I feel that if I leave him now, I am being ungrateful for all he has done for me. And I am admittedly scared of being out on my own again. And the finality of saying goodbye to him forever scares me so much because he is what I've known for so long and he is safe and comfortable. But I feel it is wrong to stay with him if I feel this way. Sure, I'd be financially stable for the rest of my life if I were to stay with him- but that, I feel, is the wrong reason to be with someone. I can't stand the thought of hurting him again, and the idea of throwing all we have out the window wiht one speach bothers me... so i am afraid that I'll back down agian,

 

I want desperatly to love him the same way I used to. It's either that or I have to leave him. And I feel disillusioned about my connection with him now... so I feel there is only one thing to do and I can't bring myself to do it. I can only sit here in a sort of resignation. I keep thinking I'll wait a few days and see how things go, or some commitment we have, like a wedding comes up and I agonize about weather it's worse to break up before or after... then nothing happens.(we've been to two weddngs with these thoughts on my mind)

 

I am terrified of becoming my mother- she stayed with my father even though she was not happy. Maybe I am just too afraid of that happening I have subconsciously decided not to love my boyfriend to protect myself- or maybe these are real thoughts.

 

And I being selfish? Is it wrong for me to feel such a strong urge for independence that I want to hurt the one I still care for? (Even if the fire has died) Am I just blind to how good I have it? (Most of my past boyfriends have been jerks) Am I just really naiive? Am I just being an idealist, thinking that if someone treats me well that it isn't enough? Should I accept that we have very little in common and see how it pans out? Am I just getting carried away with a thought? Or should I just leave and get this over with?

 

Also, this may sound silly- but I only ask out of curriosity- do you consider it more cruel to break up with someone before a wedding or after?

 

Thanks for reading my... novel.

 

-Nip

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What exactly are you looking for in a relationship? The fire always tends to die down. Its up to the 2 of you to keep it going.....

 

But if you're certain that you don't want to be with him in a romantic kind of way, & if you're only staying with him for stability and financial reasons then you should do the UNSELFISH thing-end it now. Its not fair to him to continue putting effort and love into a one sided relationship.

 

Yeah, its scary being on your own, & who wants to find a job? But welcome to the grown up world. Don't use him. Be strong, know that you can make it on your own. & if you don't want to be with him, show him you respect him and care for him by being honest.

 

Good luck

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I agree you should break-up if you don't feel the love for him that a long-term partner should. You are right that staying with him for financial security would be entirely selfish and wrong.

 

Just be sure that you do not love him enough before you decide. Sometimes a burned bridge cannot be rebuilt.

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And I being selfish?

 

It is not selfish to do what you want, ie to follow your feelings. It is selfish not to. It is selfish because if you do not follow your feelings you are in effect not being honest with him.

 

Is it wrong for me to feel such a strong urge for independence that I want to hurt the one I still care for? (Even if the fire has died)

 

No, it is not wrong. If this urge, this feeling, is stronger than the urge (feeling) for the one you care for, then you do not really care for him as much for him as you think.

 

Am I just blind to how good I have it? (Most of my past boyfriends have been jerks)

 

No. If you do not _feel_ good, you do not 'have it good'. Having it good is _thinking_ it is good, but not necessarily feeling good.

 

Am I just really naiive?

 

No. You are really sensible. You have the sense to _feel_ what is not good for you. Being really naive would be to not follow your feeling.

 

Am I just being an idealist, thinking that if someone treats me well that it isn't enough?

 

Yes, if you _think_ this. When you are following ideals, ideas, thoughts, you are an idealist. In other words not being actual, ie not following feeling. Feeling is actual. Thought is ideal.

 

Should I accept that we have very little in common and see how it pans out?

 

Not a good idea. This is in effect saying you do not know what you want; you do know really; your feeling tells you.

 

Am I just getting carried away with a thought? Or should I just leave and get this over with?

 

Any time we are carried away, we are carried away by thought. Not being carried away is staying with feeling; honouring feeling.

 

Also, this may sound silly- but I only ask out of curriosity- do you consider it more cruel to break up with someone before a wedding or after?

 

Yes, this is silly. It is silly to get married whilst still considering this.

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I have a different take on this. I believe that your fears of the future and where you live now are being attributed to the relationship. I think you'd have these feelings with anyone. I also believe you are taking him for granted. But if you really don't feel it for him, it's best to let him go so he can find someone who does feel it for him.

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Your relationship sounds so familiar to me. I separated from my ex about three years ago, due to similiar issues, we had an age difference where I was older and financially secure, we were a bit codependent, and I have anxiety issues as well. She started feeling like we were not connected, like she didn't really know me. She lost that initial "in love" feeling from the beginning of the relationship.

 

So we "separated" which basically means we were broken up but continued to see each other (despite 4,000 km between our cities) and continued sleeping together. Well, she got pregnant and we were back together again. We went through the same cycle and she ended up walking away again, but this time with our two month old daughter.

 

Now I'm devastated, I have a broken family, and I will have to maintain contact with my ex for the rest of my life.

 

My advice: break up the relationship now. Make it a real break, where you don't contact each other for a very long time. If you two are meant to be, you will reunite down the road. Love has a way of conspiring in your favour. If you are not meant to be, you are preventing all kinds of future suffering.

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nip,

u sound like a strong brave person. i understand it must be hard. but u really are viewing that relationship from the view point of what it can do for you. not because u want to be with him. and u know that in your heart. u will not struggle because being honest with yourself will bring u much unexpected joy.

i wish u the best

stay kewl

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you are young you will find someone more suitable - work will give you the extra leg - you cant rely on someone else to help you with the rest of your life like a partner it comes from within you will only be happy if you are happy as you - that is all

 

good luck it is hard but you are young and have time

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I agree with Belle mostly, but do agree with all that I think you need to figure out what is causing the issues.

 

Is it him, the relationship or you. If you are not happy waiting to finish school then explain that you thought you could, but can't. Maybe the time apart will do you good. You could still try an LDR and see where it goes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Nip,

 

I'll speak to you as someone who is in your boyfriend's position. I read your story and was astonished (and greatly saddened) by the way my current situation reflects his.

 

In short, I'm a 28-year-old guy, whose girlfriend aged 22 split up with him. We were together for a year, all of which was relatively happy, until in May of this year, it was time for her fourth year exams at university. Like your boyfriend, I've been in my career some years now, and since I had work to go to, this exam period put us under strain: we were both trying to make adequate time to spend with the other, and even then things were falling short of expectation.

 

I guess in some ways your situation is different from mine, for example, the way you've had a LDR whereas in my case, my ex-girlfriend and I live in the same city. But as I read your story there were so many small ways you describe your feelings in the same way that my ex-girlfriend did that I feel like you may be about to inflict on your boyfriend the same unfortunate pain that I am still in the middle of now.

 

You're saying clearly that he's an affectionate guy who sometimes comes accross to you like he's looking after you ... a rash decision to split will devastate him since he has a caring nature. You described a lot of anxieties you have about going out into the world of work - and I can only say this, you have to be able to separate out the anxieties about work and money, from your anxieties about him as a person. Letting go of a good relationship because of those other issues could be something you regret later.

 

Then again, I'm a firm believer that people should stay together for the right reasons. You can't stay with him purely because he could make you financially secure, and you have to feel something strong for him. It made me sad to hear you say the fire has died - but I'd ask, doesn't that happen to some degree for all couples, as time goes on? Isn't it up to the two people to be willing to find ways to keep the relationship healthy and alive? From the sound of it, your guy would be more than willing.

 

I think from your responses to other posts to your thread, you've made the decision to cut loose as it's the healthier thing to do. I just wanted to add my two cents' worth to say that you have to ask yourself how much you love him, what future potential the relationship has, be aware that some of your anxieties are about external issues (not him) although they are contributing to your general unease.

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