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dealbreakers that pop up


markfromark
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Have you ever been in a relationship where dealbreakers popped up later? Like for example it turns out she does not want you to ride your motorcycle anymore but you have no intentions to ever stop riding your motorcycle? Do you break up over things like that?

 

If it's that important to you, and neither of you is willing to compromise, then, yeah...people can break up over things like that.

 

I seem to recall a similar discussion with someone over the amount of time I spent around horses.

 

The horses won.

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Hmmm, the age old 'Me or the bike' dilemma.

 

Demands like that are immature even if she does worry about you, it's more a jealousy thing in my opinion. She knew you rode a bike, it's what you do, it's what you love, it's who you are. What she is saying is..You love that bike more than me, so choose. She can't see that it is a lifestyle choice and thinks of the bike as a threat.

 

If you can make her see that it's not a threat, by maybe try take her on the back for her to see the freedom and adrenalin rush it gives you and why you love it so much. But if she can't or won't and still makes these demands... If it were me, I'd choose the bike.

 

As someone who has been around bikers for many years and recently took up riding myself....Live to ride, Ride to live.

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she is very scared of me getting killed or hurt, especially since she has seen motorcycle accidents first hand due to her profession.

 

What bugs me that she is not open for any kind of compromise. I could agree to riding it only occasianally around town and not get on the freeway but she would not even give me that bone.

 

This is really a difficult one, do I love her more than riding my bike? No, but I don't see why I can't have both. I am also starting to wonder whether this is a character pattern that will spread to other issues.

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she is very scared of me getting killed or hurt, especially since she has seen motorcycle accidents first hand due to her profession.

 

The anti-horse person expressed similar sentiments, as I've got a bit of a history of equestrian accidents -- broken collar bone, broken elbow, head-first into a cement block wall, etc. He didn't get that the injury/risk of future injury was worth what I get from riding/being around horses.

 

What bugs me that she is not open for any kind of compromise. I could agree to riding it only occasianally around town and not get on the freeway but she would not even give me that bone.

 

This is really a difficult one, do I love her more than riding my bike? No, but I don't see why I can't have both. I am also starting to wonder whether this is a character pattern that will spread to other issues.

 

Dunno about you, but I'd worry about the possibility that if you give in on this item that is important to you there may be other future requests to give up other things "for your own good." I've had some bad experiences with that sort of slippery slope, but maybe that's something unique to me.

 

That would scare me enough that I'd back off, if not back out, of the relationship.

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I've owned 25 bikes and made it to 53 without mayhem.

The OP comes from a 39 year old fellow.

We should all make our own decisions.

 

My brother's wife won't let him ride his Harley.

Or have friends she disapproves of.

Or leave home without her.

Or damn near anything at all.

I suggested divorce, but he says she won't let him.

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It is one thing to have a genuine concern for a partners' safety. It is another to make demands. I agree that this could set a pattern for the future and should be resisted. Put the ball back in her court and say that you intend to keep riding your bike and if she loves you she will understand.

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I think under some circumstances it is right to make demands. For example if excessive consumption of alcohol or tobacco is putting the family home at risk, it is only right that the person stops or cuts down.

 

The difficult ones are the "borderline" cases, where some people would think it's a reasonable demand and others wouldn't.

 

I used to have a motorcycle many years ago but we just don't have the finances to support a second "hobby" vehicle.

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and its supposed to be about putting things in place that help not hinder...using things that help solve not end...

 

lets say u have a dealbreaker that is - if he cheats, its over

 

isn't it better to not have one and if he cheats u work on why he did?

 

when u use dealbreakers u use them as an excuse to get out and it shows that instead of working on things u just have a way out

 

and people place dealbreakers over everything else...that's stupid...lets say you were with someone for 30 years and one night someone breaks a deal...how does someone say...yup, that's it over

 

weird man weird

 

placing an action over a person...that's show what is more important to that person

 

weird

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and its supposed to be about putting things in place that help not hinder...using things that help solve not end...

 

lets say u have a dealbreaker that is - if he cheats, its over

 

isn't it better to not have one and if he cheats u work on why he did?

 

when u use dealbreakers u use them as an excuse to get out and it shows that instead of working on things u just have a way out

 

and people place dealbreakers over everything else...that's stupid...lets say you were with someone for 30 years and one night someone breaks a deal...how does someone say...yup, that's it over

 

weird man weird

 

 

placing an action over a person...that's show what is more important to that person

 

weird

 

I think the cheating example is a very good one. I know soem marriages do continue after infidelity but can they ever get back to how they were before?

 

The majority of people on the BBC board thought that people who cheated did so because they were selfish.

 

I think also if someone crosses a boundary and gets forgiven they are likely to do it again.

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..that's stupid...lets say you were with someone for 30 years and one night someone breaks a deal...how does someone say...yup, that's it over

 

weird man weird

 

Well, it happened to me at 27 years.

 

Tell me how I shoulda handled it, but first tell me how you came by this knowledge. What's your background?

Have you been married" Cheated on? I just wonder.

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this is just my beliefs...i wouldn't throw away 30 years for something that happened once...and as for cheating being a dealbreaker because u think it might happen again...its not about the cheating - its about the trust...and everything that made the person cheat in the first place....but to be honest, i would forgive someone that cheated and it depends on this...what the situation was, your involvement, how you found out, why they did...i don't base a decision by isolating an act...because its not about that, its about the person, and i can't make a judgement based souly on an act...that's just not fair

just my opinion

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Well, it happened to me at 27 years.

 

Tell me how I shoulda handled it, but first tell me how you came by this knowledge. What's your background?

Have you been married" Cheated on? I just wonder.

 

I know that the question wasn't aimed at me but for the record:

 

I've been married once before and am married now

 

I was cheated on in my first marriage but never found out until after we split

 

I've had problems second time round and to some extent still do. I don't take "till death us do part" as given and wonder about the empty nest syndrome in a few years

 

I've cheated on girlfriends before (but not wives)

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and people place dealbreakers over everything else...that's stupid...lets say you were with someone for 30 years and one night someone breaks a deal...how does someone say...yup, that's it over

 

I hope you never experience any of these things, but I do hope you stop implying that others are stupid for ending a relationship based on their beliefs.

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and its supposed to be about putting things in place that help not hinder...using things that help solve not end...

 

lets say u have a dealbreaker that is - if he cheats, its over

 

isn't it better to not have one and if he cheats u work on why he did?

 

when u use dealbreakers u use them as an excuse to get out and it shows that instead of working on things u just have a way out

 

and people place dealbreakers over everything else...that's stupid...lets say you were with someone for 30 years and one night someone breaks a deal...how does someone say...yup, that's it over

 

weird man weird

 

placing an action over a person...that's show what is more important to that person

 

weird

 

humm, I gave him a chance after the first time and the second..what do I do about the third?

 

we did...scratch that...I DID work on it!

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i am not saying that...what i am saying is that they are simply placing the action or behaviour of someone ahead of the person as whole. they make one value determine an outcome. say someone had 10 good qulaities and did poorly on one...so 9 good, 1 bad...do u cancel the 9 because of the one? i would not and have u ever thought about this? take a look at your beliefs..where did the come from, have they ever changed as u grew as a person, have u ever did something yourself that was against your own beliefs? i would love to hear your answers on this...stay kewl

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yes..cheating is a tough one...but u know...people make mistakes and there is always other things attached to why people cheat...so that's why it is best to just stay positive and try to help people and not let something from the past, determine what u think about that person

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