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Getting it all back!!!


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Hey everyone. I have mostly moved on from the Anger stage. I'm pretty much over my breakup now and just have genuine feelings of missing my ex and of lonliness.

 

I'm getting myself back, more and more each day. My attitude is getting better, my mood is rising, my outlook for the future is more promising, my opinion of myself and what strengths I have are getting stronger too. I lost a lot after my ex broke up with me. The only family I really had was hers, the best and only real friend I had was her and I was no longer just Orlander I was Orlander and [girlfriend name here]. I lost all three: family, friends and lover and also lost "US" as well as a part of myself.

 

That's a lot!!! Most of us here are struggling with the aftermath of losing just as much. Rarely in life do we lose so much as when we break up with a loved one.

 

So, how do we get back? How do we get our family back? Our friends? Our loved ones and ourselves? Well, for me it included getting closer to what family I did have, though they are all in other states. It included getting closer the people I did know and making more friends. I have a dog now and while a dog is in no way a replacement for the love of a girlfriend/boyfriend of husband/wife, it is nice to have something to hug and kiss and play catch with (my ex couldnt catch worth a darn)

 

I got back in shape again and got used to my own company again and being alone. I took up some volunteering and other activities such as running, playing the guitar and meditating a lot more.

 

In many ways I have my life back. Passion is slowly creeping back into me again and I often catch myself smiling at the world again. I'm even getting more comfortable with the idea of dating again and have actually started to believe that a much better love is out there just waiting for me to open my heart.

 

There are still obstacles in my path though. I've gotten family back, gotten myself back, gotten friends back, but what about the rest?? We can't get our exes back (thank God for most of us here, right??) and we can't get "US" back. If we proceed with the faith that we WILL have both of those things when we enter into our next loving relationships, then we have almost everything we lost back, right?

 

Well, yes, but it's gonna take more work. There are those pesky memories of the times and love we shared with our exes. There are those reminders, both physical and mental that remain long after our exes have gone. We can throw or put away most of the physical reminders, though if you had children with your ex, that obviously doesn't apply.

 

So, the truth of the matter is that there will always be reminders of what we had and what we have lost. Virtual and physical holes telling us that we can never have again what is now missing.

 

For me, it has been particularily hard for one distinct reason. My ex's name is Joy. I never knew just how many times that word is used every day. I never thought about just how many places that word appears every day. It's a reminder of what I had and what I lost. Yeah, a little over a year ago I lost "Joy", in every sense and meaning of the word. It's tough to read a self help book on healing without the word "Joy", because they are all pretty much about getting "joy" back into your heart and lives. Eck!!! I hated that word!! Out darned spot, out!!!

 

So, what do I do? Do I ignore and avoid that word for the rest of my life?? Or do I fight to reclaim that word and its literal meaning?!

 

I chose to fight! I say the name over and over again, getting used to hearing it without my ex being there to respond. I read it or hear it and think of myself being happy and blissful. I write it hundreds of times in my head and on paper, thinking only of Almond "Joys" or of my "joy" of working out, running, playing the guitar or even of the "joy" of sleeping.

 

"Joy" is coming back into my life. Not my ex, but something much better. "Joy" itself. The classic meaning. The meaning everyone knows and desires.

 

"Joy: the emotion of great happiness"

 

That's "Joy" for me. I won't give her that word. She can't have it. It means too much to me and I refuse to part with it. There are many other things I fight too, all in the effort to move past the pain and hurt and get to that common or neutral ground when thinking about her or my past when she was in it.

 

Yes, I plan on having "Joy" at my wedding one day...and it won't have anything to do with my ex.

 

So, fight! Don't let your exes have anything you want to keep and hold dear to your heart. If you have a child with an ex, focus on seeing your features in their face. That restaurant that you really loved that you used to go to with your ex and you haven't been back to since you split up? Go back and reclaim it for your own again!! That song you used to listen to together? Take it back! You loved it. It's yours.!!

 

Obviously, we need to heal and get to a place where we can be strong enough to fight back and retake what was once ours. You will know when the right time will be. You'll get mad at yourself and you'll want it back. If you find yourself at a place where its been several months or years since your breakup and you still can't go to certain places or think about certain things, then get mad and take them back. Don't allow your life to be held prisoner anymore.

 

Bring the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy back into your heart!!! It's in mine now and it has nothing to do with the past!!! Get it back for youselves too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Take care

 

Orlander

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So, fight! Don't let your exes have anything you want to keep and hold dear to your heart. If you have a child with an ex, focus on seeing your features in their face. That restaurant that you really loved that you used to go to with your ex and you haven't been back to since you split up? Go back and reclaim it for your own again!! That song you used to listen to together? Take it back! You loved it. It's yours.!!

 

great advice. we give way too much of ourselves to our exes. i'm still trying to work on that myself, because at first it was all too easy to let my ex "have" those things.

 

i actually read some practical advice on this a few months ago. the writer suggested that you do something like have a party at your place, and play all the songs that you and your ex loved, so that your experience of the music is essentially rewritten. you could do the same by having a big gathering of girlfriends (or guy friends) at "your" restaurant or coffee shop. the point is to make sure you have a grand ol' time with people who will always love you so that when you come into contact with those "triggers," the new memories will come to mind first and be more significant in your mind.

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Thanks everyone. It is so important that we reclaim what we believe we lost. The absolute hardest part of this relationship is having something in my life that I just can't think about. The emotions are still too raw to think of how the relationship ended and some of the things that were lost.

 

Like you said, Joyce. It's time to start rewriting some things. One day soon i'll look back and be able to recall everything I want to recall without pain. I wish this to be true for us all * * * well.

 

 

Orlander

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may i suggest this. u don't have the word joy not be associated with your ex. it should be. it was her name. and when u hear that name or use that name or see her, just have only great positive thoughts because when u think about it - u do have those great thoughts of her. if u didn't, you would have been with her. why let the negative override the positive. there are always two ways we can choose to view things - positively or negatively. which one do you think works better for you as you move forward? easy eh. congrats on doing so well. stay kewl.

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Thank you for your post, g44. its a positive move in my mind to disassociate the word "Joy" from my ex. My thread was not so much about actually never thinking about my ex when I hear the word Joy, as it is about regaining what we lost and stopping fear and pain from keeping us from what we love.

 

Of course I will occasionally think about my ex whenever I hear the word "Joy", but sometimes I wont think about her and whenever I do, there wont be pain or fear.

 

 

Orlander

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may i suggest this. u don't have the word joy not be associated with your ex. it should be. it was her name. and when u hear that name or use that name or see her, just have only great positive thoughts because when u think about it - u do have those great thoughts of her. if u didn't, you would have been with her. why let the negative override the positive. there are always two ways we can choose to view things - positively or negatively. which one do you think works better for you as you move forward? easy eh. congrats on doing so well. stay kewl.

 

in orlander's "defense," i've read many of his posts, and he has no negative feelings toward his ex; in fact, he has a very good outlook. but this was a relationship he wanted to keep, and i think his desire to reclaim this word is out of not wanting to hurt anymore rather than being bitter towards his ex. i think you're misunderstanding him.

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u consider this...when u say 'retaining what we lost' it is framed in a negative - how about 'cherishing what u had' - you liked what u had - u will want that again....i think looking at those things as a positive will help u 'spot' them again. and as an aside, if things ended on a bad note, let the other person know that is not the last thing u will take away from the relationship, let them know that u see the positives too because they are probably hurting too and if they know that u see what was good too, that should help them feel better about it as well.

 

just my opinion tho

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my 2 cents....think about how u are framing things...u say u let them 'have' part of u...isn't that associated with the emotions related to the end of a relationship...is it possible that when u were happy u 'gave' to them...keep a balance...and i don't think u need to 'reclaim' things, they are yours and his, and also 'us' when that happened...there is no need to replace the past with the present, because the past can't be changed and why would u want to. just do the things u used to do with the other person, simply because u liked to do them. they are not associated with u doing them in the present. and having memories is a great thing. just my opinion.

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Thank you, your advice is welcome, g44.

 

My ex, Joy, used to hate a specific kind of car because it was the kind her ex, before me, used to drive. The guy she dated before me did not treat her very well and the relationship ended badly. As far as I could tell though while dating Joy, she was over her ex, but there was always that type of car that she just didnt like. She probably did not see that relationship in the best light. She probably was not able to remember the good times or see the value of that relationship.

 

This is what I am talking about, letting go of the hurt, the hate, the anger and the fear. I'm talking about letting go.

 

I recently moved back to where I lived about 5 years ago and the local bookstore here is the place I met my ex. It happens to be one of my favorite places to go to relax and I was determined not to let the memories of the countless days we spent there interfere and stop me from enjoying that bookstore again. At first it was very awkward and painful going back there and I literally felt weak. At one point my knees buckled and I almost fell because it just was too painful to be there. Now, I go there at least once a week. My ex no longer lives near here so there is no worries about her coming back and this bookstore was one that I came to regularily before she came and the memories of "us" took it away. I reclaimed it and I enjoy going back. Rarely do I think about her there, but of course when i do they are good thoughts.

 

Memories can be the enemy. We should not let ourselves relive what was once or what had been until we are healed. Often that takes years or doesn't happen until we are in another relationship, but pining, yearning, being remorseful or dwelling on those memories of love and togetherness does not do you good. Until you are ready, I am a strong proponent of absoultely not thinking about those memories. Just like you put all the physical reminders away, so to do you the memories.

 

After you heal from a broken relationship, the pictures dont come back out and in essense that should be true of the memories. When the memories do come back, you should have feelings of gratefulness for the relationship you once had and then you should just let those memories go.

 

Orlander

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