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abbett
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Last year, as I was coming out of my long-term relationship, a friend told me about myspace. i joined and met some local people that became friends. i also met a few people that lived elsewhere in the south. one woman i met lives in nashville.

 

we shared some ims, some emails, and we even shared some phone calls about our mutual relationship woes. i thought it was a neat kind of friendship. once, we flirted, but it was more of a joke than anything (i thought).

 

locally, i met another woman and we began dating. and i noticed the woman in nashville had met someone locally and so we didn't really talk all that much anymore. we had talked at various times of meeting because we thought we would be good friends - similar interests, etc.

 

a month ago, i broke up with the the local woman i had been seeing. we had nothing but hard times and finally it became clear to me that it was nothing but a dead-end.

 

because the woman in nashville had recently contacted me, i let her know when we broke up. and we talked about it. she started emailing me more and called to invite me to a concert 2 hours away - she had an extra ticket. up to this point, we had never met before.

 

then 2 weekends ago, she spontaneously invited me up and i thought it would be fun. i was thinking nothing but friendship.

 

when i got there, we met some of her friends for dinner and went to the state fair. afterwards, she wanted to show me a good time in nashville so she took me to 2 clubs. we had a good time and good conversation. i was thinking nothing romantic until she asked me what i thought of her so far. i was shocked.

 

so, i started thinking about it and i was having a great time with her, we got along well, we had similar personalities and conversational styles, similar backgrounds and educations levels, similar professions........

 

we came home after a late night and she only had 1 bedroom........so we slept together in the same bed.........still, i thought nothing of it. unlike usual, i was not wanting to just bed her.

 

she started kissing all over me and it really was freaking me out. because, i realized i was with a real woman and i thought that because of all of our similarities and places in life and all that, and because we'd been talking as friends for so many months, that if we got involved with each other that it could be something really special and i didn't want to ruin it......

 

and i told her this. she ended up falling asleep cuddling against me.

 

the next morning she took me to brunch and paid and we then went to an nfl game (i'd never been to one). we had a great time. we came back out to the car, and she kissed me very passionately and told me she wished i didn't have to drive back home. i said, "me either".

 

we then went to her friend's house for a cookout and at the cookout i told her i thought of staying the night again.......she said she thought that was a great idea.

 

at the cookout, i told her that i didn't know if i could be "good" again......and she said she didn't either but it was worth the wait.....

 

we went to her house, went to bed, and she cuddled with me all night long, even in her sleep.......i woke up early and drove home for my workday.

 

she called to make sure i got home ok. then imd me during the day........then called me that afternoon to chat.

 

later that night, i asked if she was still interested and she said, "yes, are you?" i said, "of course" and i mentioned how much i thought of her at this point.

 

the next day, we met for the concert she had originally invited me to. on the way over, i just had a strange feeling and i asked her if she still felt the same. she said, we'd talk about it later.

 

at the concert, and on the way to it, she was not holding my hand or giving me any kisses. and i asked her what was going on. i told her that i just didn't understand the difference i sensed. she told me that she likes to go slow and that she liked me and thought i was fun and didn't see why we had to define anything now.

 

honestly, i was not wanting to define anything......i just sensed a difference in her and wanted to know her thoughts.

 

after the concert and going out with her friends, we came back to stay with some of her other friends and she told me that she had realized she was not over the last person she had dated (which was only like a 3-month thing 4 months ago) and that she didn't want to be in a relationship now.

 

the next day, she told me that she didn't feel any chemistry with me to warrant long distance dating but she still wanted to be friends.

 

i was really stupified and honestly, upset, because she had come after me on the first night, she had looked into my eyes in that way, she had asked me what i thought of her, told me i had pretty eyes, cuddled with me all night long 2 nights in a row, didn't want me to go back home, and told me she was interested in me........

 

what happened?????

 

if she didn't feel any chemistry, how could she do and say all that?

 

you know when someone likes you or doesn't like you. and i felt she liked me! we clicked. it wasn't just me. and, like i said, i wasn't even looking for that with her.......but once i saw how she liked me and we were clicking, i let my guard down.......

 

to top it all off, i said, "ok let's be friends" and late last week and over the weekend i texted her a couple friendly light messages......only to get one-liner responses from her as if i was bothering her........

 

so i've decided to just back away and let her come to me if she wants to really be friends.........

 

but what could explain all this???

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That's pretty crappy. Almost sounds to me like she could have just been using you as a distraction to get her mind off of someone else, but then must have started talking to this other person again. Hence no more interest in you. I wouldn't even want to be friends with someone who has already proven to be fickle like that.

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sounds like to me she got a good case of the fears.

 

I'm curious... when you said you mentioned what you thought of her.... what did you say?

 

Fears are very strange and can make people behave in strange ways...i think it was good of her to come clean and tell you that she wasn't over her ex and felt it was best to not continue down the "potential" relationship path.

 

I wouldn't take it to heart..and i would definitely back off and give her space.

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i've definitely taken it to heart.......definitely. i've had a rough year. long term relationship ended less than a year ago, was in a 7-month relationship with someone with major issues.....and i finally woke up out of that.......i was in a good place........and i had my guard up.......then i believed her positive words to me about me and the kind of person she saw me to be. i told her that first night that when we were at one of those clubs, i saw her accross the room talking to some of her friends and i got the feeling that i could trust her........and she said in response, "yeah, that's what i've always felt about you - that i could trust you". she talked about what a high-caliber person i am, etc.

 

maybe i did scare her in some way.......i simply told her that i thought she was a really good person from what i could tell so far. she said "awww, thanks". which i thought was a weird response.

 

to me, i don't cuddle, repeatedly kiss, and hold hands with someone if i don't FEEL it inside........and if i still have feelings for someone else. that's what i can't get past.

 

i don't know if this other person has shown back up.......or if i said something.

 

i did aggravate her at the concert - she told me that later. because when i went to the bathroom, i texted her because she couldn't hear me talking anyway - i guess i should have just waited. but i told her i just felt things were different and that's when she went into the whole thing about i like to go slow and she even said, "i don't just into bed with just anyone".......i had not even attempted that. it was her that first night. she touched me and went a little far with it.......it was me who wanted to wait because i thought she was worth it. but she made that comment about not jumping into bed with just everyone........when she was the one who had pursued me. she said she didn't see why we had to define it right now........

 

so, i let it go.......and we hung out the rest of the night with her friends.......when we got back to her friend's to go to bed, that's when she sprung all this about feelings for the last person she dated on me.

 

in a matter of a couple of hours, how could it go from, "i like to go slow and why do we have to define it now" to "i have feelings for the last person i dated" and then the very next morning spawn into, "i just don't feel the chemistry".

 

i'm definitely giving her her space now. she wanted to be friends and i thought if i was capable of being friends then surely she would be since she had no feelings for me - as she said. but, as friendly as i've tried to be just in a couple of texts over the weekend, she sounds uninterested in even that.

 

do you think i did something or she's just messed up?

 

if anyone has any more feedback i would appreciate it because it's really hurt me.

 

does it sound more like she really started thinking about the last person she dated, like she just wasn't into me, or that i scared her off somehow.

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Abbett-

 

I have to be honest, if i was with a new guy and friends and the new guy was texting me from the bathroom wanting to talk about why things were different ...i think i would have backed off a bit myself. But, you recognize that maybe that wasn't the best decision.

 

But ...i do think that she had a change of heart for whatever reason..and it doesn't matter does it? you got out of the relationship without your heart torn to bits.

 

I honestly think, since you have had such a rough year regarding relationships that you should take some time for yourself.

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so, you think that could have been what did it?

 

i did come clean with her that day and the next day.......i told her that i did not come to see her for that.......just for friends.......and that i felt we were having a good time.......and she had expressed interest in various ways and then bam.

 

i could tolerate the "change of heart" better if she hadn't shown SUCH interest.

 

she said she wanted to still be friends because i had a good heart and that was hard to find.......so as soon as i am ok with that and reach out as a friend, i feel shut down again........

 

i guess if she had really seen in me the good things she expressed to me that even if she did get turned off at my texts, she would have been able to put it all into perspective better later........i have to keep telling myself that if she had seen the good in me, the real in me that matters, that things would have worked out differently.

 

but she knows all about my year........she knows everything i have been through. and i think that's what i'm really angry about. she knows what i have been through and she was very careless with her actions leading me on as well as cutting me off. i don't find it very friendly or even courteous.

 

it just really hurts - especially when i think my actions might have ruined things. but, as i said, the actions of one night - texting my concern - wouldn't be enough to kill feelings if they were really there, would they?

 

but i did come clean with her. i expressed all my feelings from beginning to end and my confusion. her response was that she had not really thought that much about things along the way. i found that to be quite the insult. maybe she should be a little more thoughtful as she's expressing interest and gauge it as it happens instead of waiting until a point when someone can be hurt and confused.

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Hey abbett..

 

I understand how you feel. I went through a similar situation..had a friend..talked..knew about a major break up in my life... we talked...got very close..and then it developed into a relationship...and then Poof! he lost that lovin feelin..and that was that.

 

Sometimes these things can't be explained. I honestly think the speed at which she invited you into her bed was very telling..but thats just my opinion.

 

I honestly wouldn't look too deeply into the details... i would focus on moving forward and finding that person who is going to appreciate all of your good traits and accept the not so becoming ones.

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hi, thanks for your response......i was just curious what you meant about you think the speed at which she invited me into her bed was very telling. what do you think that says?

 

the odd thing is this.......we went to bed, she was all over me, i wanted to wait and told her that i didn't want to mess things up........she started in on me, so i thought, well, i can do a little - as soon as i did, she rolled me back over and then stopped........

 

next day, we went to the game, then in the car, she kissed me very passionately. it worked me up some. i told her later that i didn't know if i could hold myself back again.......

 

we went back to her place that night.......in bed, she just cuddled up against me and started going to sleep.........saying sometimes when you rush it messes things up.

 

what?

 

yes, i agree - what i am confused about amongst the rest of it, is that she was after me the first night, second night, said she didn't want to rush - 2 nights later, said she doesn't just jump into bed with anyone - almost as if it had all been my idea.......

 

do you think she was just looking for a good time? and that was all?

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Abbet,

There is a lot you can read into this, but you should have just hit it instead of talking about it. I don't know how to describe it well, and I am sure I will get blasted by women on this site but from multiple experiences and from others I have talked to about this exact behaviour. She wanted to be taken, then and now and not have to think about it much. Everything was fun, exciting, there was energy, then it makes its way into the bedroom and you want to talk about your feelings rather than just ravish her.

 

Turning down a women, no matter what the circumstance is a huge blow to their ego. Men and women are conditioned alike that men are sex hungry animals who won't turn down anything, and when they are turned down it causes a lot of confusion. Also she put herself out there, initiating sex herself which is normally expected of the guy to be doing to her outright, especially once you hit the mattress.

 

Sounds bad, and it might hurt your ego, you may have thought about it too much, who knows.

 

She wanted it, saw you didn't want her in the same way, then thoughts of the old relationship come up and so on. Sometimes a woman likes to be "taken", not in a bad sort of way, but just not the one to leading the way. Sex does not automatically ruin relationships, and people deal with it quicker than others, sometimes a night of passion after so much buildup can make things stronger. Maybe she has a whole host of issues that relate to one thing or another, but chances are if you went with it, she wouldn't have gotten so weird.

 

On another note, you obviously care about her a great deal and did not want this to be based on sex alone and felt you were doing the right thing. You did not compromise your feelings for sexual gratification which is impressive and actually shows how much you do care about her. You were true to yourself and your intentions, maybe she will come around and realize it, maybe she won't.

 

I don't think she was looking for just a one night stand, but maybe she was looking for a good time, time to let go of her fears and inhibitions and relax around someone, maybe she is afraid of getting close and when she tried, doing what she thought you or most guys want and got turned away, she held it against you or was embarrassed or just confused. She was looking for and having a good time, then it turned into confusing thoughts, fear of the future, remembering the past, etc...

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yeah.......several of my girl friends think that she was upset that i did not "take" her.......and she's sulking about it. i don't know - she's going way out of her way to be sulking about it.

 

like i said.......after i explained to her that i was wanting to wait, because i thought she was a special kind of person, she expressed that it made her feel i was not interested in her. she played with me a little......and so i thought, "what the he**?" and started to make my move.......that's when she stopped!

 

i guess things were overthought........things seemed to go well the rest of the weekend, past that night.......lots of flirting, kissing, hand-holding........she didn't want me to return home, said i had pretty eyes, said i was adorable.........then when i returned home, I guess i was wanting some sort of validation that she was still interested in me. so i asked.......

 

and when she said yes and asked if i was.........i didn't gush much, but i did gush a little. i wanted her to feel special........but i guess she just doesn't operate that openly and honestly.......or it scared her or reminded her of her most recent experience. i know things impact us differently - i was just shocked when she said she had realized she still had feelings for the last person she dated when it only lasted 3 months, and it was over 4 months ago.

 

i guess she was just wanting to have a good time........but that's not where i was. i was wanting to have a good time, but i was open to much more once i realized how well we would work together.

 

the hurt is hard for me to get past........and it's surprising to everyone.........but it was just another negative thing this year.........and, honestly, i really started thinking about how, at least on paper, we were really perfect for one another. it's not that often you meet someone who shares your interests almost exactly, who has the same education, professionalism, personality, interests.

 

we'd both been involved with other people over all these months of knowing each other and i guess i let my mind and emotions run away from me and i started thinking about how we were both now single and how it might just line up. i mean, i've not had that much fun with someone in a very long time. i felt completely comfortable. it just shook me. her friends - i got along with all of them and loved them!

 

it just is hard to think i might have had something good in the palm of my hand and somehow i messed it up and i still don't know how i did so.

 

i tried to give her what she wanted that same night - even the next night -- it was her who then said she liked to go slow........maybe to try to excuse her behavior that first night.

 

i guess we didn't have the chance to be what i thought we might could be for this confusing and really stupid thing to happen.

 

i think you are right.......it seems my time with her brought up a lot of feelings on her end. she talked of how it made her realized she still had feelings for that last person and how she's enjoying her growth right now and doesn't want to interrupt it........and she said the chemistry between us wasn't strong enough to warrant long distance..........

 

but, i swear, you could have fooled me with the chemistry bit. it was there!

 

can someone really change their feelings that much?

 

can someone really act in those ways and not be sure they like you???

 

i've almost got it - just wondering.......

 

thanks, y'all

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Women can be weird like that, one minute all on, next minute off, lost for good. Which is total BS and not fair at all, but just the way it is. They think too much into it without much room for logic or rationality once the decision is made. Want advice? This is what you do:

 

Tell her she is whacked and stop talking to her and blow her off. Start being a man instead of a sap (not that you are, but that is how she is seeing it). If she gets in touch with you, act like you aren't interested, seriously, keep it short. If she calls, keep it short. If she brings it up, be blunt and tell her you wanted to bang her but thought she was going to be a psycho, tease her a bit and keep it short. You can get it back if you basically act opposite of how you were before, possibly. Welcome to insanity-ville, been there too many times. Act more like a jerk, think of yourself more-not her, take what you want, grab her when you want, kiss her when you want, etc... The thing is, this may work, but if you get in a relationship this stuff all goes out the window and is not allowed and will get you in fights and trouble...

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it is total bs and i don't get it at all. something like this has never happened to me before........of course, i've always hit them! i even told her this was the first time i'd wanted to wait - that i never had before. i thought it would be a compliment, but maybe it was an insult. but, you would think that i stayed an extra night only to wake up at 4:30 to go back on that monday morning and that i was kissing her, holding her, and wanting her that it would have calmed it if it was an ego problem. i certainly didn't reject her.

 

something definitely spooked her or aggravated her - i feel it was either my inquiry into how she felt about me or my texting her at the concert........maybe she felt backed into a corner........so she just escaped the whole thing.

 

but i think it's pretty insulting to say there's not much chemistry and we're not a match when she definitely was not acting that way. i swear, y'all - you know when someone's into you - and i totally felt it. and what's so awful now is that i had that feeling we always hear about how this girl was who i'd been looking for........

 

but, like you say, i'm not contacting her anymore. i deleted her off myspace today. as some of you may know, it won't tell her she's been deleted, but she might notice if she sees i'm not on her friend's page or if she tries to read one of my blogs or something.......and i didn't do it to piss her off........i just couldn't stand her being on my page as a friend when she clearly isn't. i'm gonna back so far away, she's going to, at least, wonder why.

 

and this girl isn't even nuts!

 

i guess it just hurts that we would have match a really good match, and i think we are each rare finds, and she's willing to risk losing any kind of chance........whatever........i have to move on, right?

 

and thanks for your feedback........it's really helped me work through some of this.

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totally move on.....

 

I think you started getting "Serious" and showing her that you really liked her, etc but she really had no reason to receive all that praise from you. Let women EARN your praise. Don't give it so freely. I think you started seeing the "potential" of a GF and it effected the way you acted... I don't think the issue was you having sex with her. If you had shown confidence in who you were and that you were "wanted" without having to ask for it, I don't think she would have backed off.. I think you did overanalyze it.. it is tricky not to do, but, I really, just back off completely from this one. You need to use this as a lesson learnt for the next girl. Do not try to salvage anything with this one....

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yeah.......big lessons learned......

 

i had an epiphany in the shower this morning.......

 

i might have done or said some things that spooked her or turned her off -- however, i am beginning to think it wasn't the sex or what *i* did.

 

my epiphany in the shower was this:

 

i have to go with what she told me - that she realized that she was not over the last person she dated.

 

i think when i went up there, she was genuinely interested in and attracted to me.......and, maybe she wanted to see if she was over this last person.......she came onto me, even made some moves that led me into also wanting it........when i decided to just go with it, she shut down. maybe it was at that moment that she had a nasty feeling related to that last person........

 

the rest of the weekend, i think she was into me.......and maybe she was trying her best to move on from the last person........

 

and then after i left and saw her the next day........all these feelings about the last person bombarded her, she realized she was not over this person, here i was interested in her.........and it made her just feel sick to her stomach almost.......

 

i've been there before.......where i'm interested in someone else, or at least interested to see if i can be interested in someone else - and if things progress to a certain point, and i'm bombarded by thoughts of this other girl, i feel kinda sick and really don't want anything to do with that person anymore........it's not that *they* did anything wrong.......it's just i can't handle it.

 

i'm beginning to think she had good intentions of wanting to remain friends because we did get along so well, but that maybe it just reminded her of all those other feelings and she just couldn't handle talking to me anymore.

 

i think this is a pretty right-on theory based on what happened, what she said, and how she's been acting.......

 

and, if nothing else, it makes me feel better........because, now, i realize that i probably did nothing "wrong" and this would have happened regardless. the only thing i wish had been different was that i had known the existence of this other person and that she might still have feelings there.

 

what do you guys think? plausible?

 

but i am moving on - totally. and not looking back.

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so, i had finally come up with a theory i could accept and live with this morning and it seemed to make perfect sense. i had decided i'd not talk to her again and if i heard from her, it would be a long time down the road.

 

she just im'd me and said, "how's your week going so far?" "the auburn game was good!" - so i replied, "it's going well so far - yeah it was a great game to watch" and she said, "they are so much better when they are close" and i said, "yeah, it was a nail-biter to the end" and she said, "yes".

 

what???

 

why is she im'ing me. it's one of 2 things........either she only wants to be friends - but why do the being short with me this weekend thing and then be nice now? or she is interested but just wasn't wanting things to go as fast as i was.

 

now, i have no idea. and i'm feeling all confused again!

 

what do you guys think? what should i do? i've not responded to her "yes" on im.......i'm confused.

 

i either want her to be interested or leave me alone.

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Treat her as a friend if you want, nothing more. Reread my advice. Assume you have no chance with her and you are now friend-zoned, assume you need to find someone else for something romantic. Do not cater to her in anyway, you'll just set yourself up for more doubting. Let her pursue you, and she'll have to work at it, chances are she won't.

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i started seeing a therapist after my long-term relationship ended last year because i wanted to work through it correctly and get my head on straight......

 

i went to a session today and i talked about this experience......she said that possibly she was offended that i would not bed her and so played disinterested the next night by saying she was "tired" to sort of get back at me........and she also said that maybe the other person contacted her during that time after i left.......that might explain her interest and then her sudden disinterest.

 

my therapist said she was obviously attracted to me and that it was 99% probably not what *i* did that changed things.......but her own stuff. she said that it was crazy and not right of her to do that which honestly felt good hearing. and she said that a lot of people think sleeping with someone will tell them right off the bat if they are interested - instead of actually getting to know someone.

 

anyway, i told her about the lack of interest in my contact over the weekend, my dropping out, and then her instant message to me today at work.......and i told my therapist that to me it meant 1 of 2 things - either she was never that interested in me and could easily fall back as friends or that she was interested in me still and didn't want to let that go yet.......my therapist said she would bet it was the latter!

 

but my therapist said to just have firm boundaries. and if she wants to try again, set up some ground rules and call the shots myself - so i'm not a pawn in her own confusion or whatever.......

 

i bet the last person she was with contacted her during that time and maybe she thought they might have another chance or maybe it told her she was not over it.......

 

in any case, i'm moving forward and if she wants another chance, she WILL have to work for it and explain some things........

 

i'll keep ya posted.

 

thanks everybody. your words really freaking helped!

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