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My girlfriend of 2.5 years recently broke up with me. For the first 1.5 years everything was perfect - we were each others best friends and truly in love. The last year or so our relationship has graduadually slipped, which was mostly a consequence of me taking her and our relationship for granted. We are now going to grad schools 600 miles apart.

She broke up with me about 3 weeks after starting school, saying that she wanted to let things cool off and just be friends for a while. I am still completely in love with her. For the past 3 weeks, I have been pretty pathetic - begging her to give me another chance, calling her constantly, writing her desparate letters saying how i have changed, etc. Now she tells me that she cannot ever see us getting back together, but wants to stay best friends. She seems to be pretty popular at her new school and has a lot of interest from other guys.

I have no idea how to handle the situation. I want to get her back, but I realize that my current approach probably isnt going to pan out. If anyone has experience on this type of situation I could really use your advice. I dont want to push her away any further and I really want to get back together. I realize the logical thing would be to move on for good, but that really isnt an option. Should I stay her best friend, and try to gradually get her back? Or should I just try to not talk to for a while?

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Firstly, I feel for you. I hope you listen what I say.

 

You see moving on for good as not being an option.

 

It's the only option.

 

A 600 mile relationship is difficult at the best of times, you can't pop over to her place with a bunch of flowers and fix this one.

 

She want's to be friends, i'd also ignore that.

 

She has broken your heart, that is so clear from your words, if you accept that now or later you still have to go through this process so my advice to you is to not drag it out.

 

Write her numbers down with her email address and delete the from your phone/computer. Keep them somewhere safe incase you ever need a kidney or something and start living your life because you're stuck here and she is off living hers.

 

I know it may seem harsh but it's nothing you don't already know yourself.

 

I would go into No Contact, starting now, start thinking about you, not her.

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The #1 thing to you need to realize is that being her friend or hanging out in the background will not work to bring her back to you. The only thing it leads to is a lot of false hope for you and a broken heart even worse in the end when she finds someone else and pushes you out of her life. Seen it happen hundreds of times and it never works out in your favor.

 

So once you've convinced yourself that your way will not work, have one last talk with her where you pour your heart out and let her know you're interested in a relationship only and nothing less will work for you. No friends, none of that. Either you two are together or you're moving on. If she's willing to give it another shot at that point, fine. If not, there would be nothing left to say so cutting all contact would be that last choice.

 

Also trying to convince her back into your life wouldn't work because even if you succeeded, the old problems would creep up and you two would break up again soon after that. And you don't really want someone who you have to convince to get back together with you, you want them to want you on their own. You'll never feel right about it any other way.

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First off i'm sorry for your breakup. I know what it feels like...and there is no pain like no other....especially when the pain inflicted is from the person you are in love with.

 

Now listen to me very carefully. The person above me is right. No Contact is the way to go. Us humans are weird....when one person chases...the other runs away. So when you are begging your ex-gf to give you one more chance she is gonna run away from you....and thats not what you want. Silence is the answer. I want you to disappear from the face of the earth...at least in her eyes. You are not gonna visit her, call her, text msg her, email her, instant message her, go on her myspace, etc. You are gonna spend time with your family and friends and work on YOU. Your ex-gf doesn't need to see you at your worst. Take this time to heal and i guarentee you that in a few weeks or months you won't even care if she comes back or not. You probably won't even want to be friends with her.

 

good luck my man !!!

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Thanks for the suggestions. I know that its all good advice, but I cant really follow it right now. I am looking for the best way to get her back in the long term, irrespective of the short term consequences. So that is the type of advice I am looking for. I know that I have to heal myself first, but I am afraid to go into complete no contact with her. I think rejecting her offer to

be her best friend will push her further away, and cause her to permanently go on with her life without me (that is based on knowing her personality). Here are some of my reasons for my desire to win her back, instead of just moving on.

 

1. I love her, and I have never loved anyone else like that before.

2. I know that she really loved me in the past, and I think that I can eventually get that back.

3. Honestly, I cannot do any better than her. I am an average looking guy. She is beautiful, extremely intelligent (in a top 10 med school), and an incredibly nice and fun person. This is not just an assessment based on my current emotional state.

4. If I had the choice between being her best friend, or not being in her life at all, I would choose the former.

 

Thanks again for the advice...

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1) You will love someone like that again

2) You can't get love back, once it's gone it's gone, don't fool yourself, if she loved you, you'd still be seeing each other

3) Absolute rubbish, you will do better because someone will love YOU, beauty, intelligence, nice and fun are all good things but you only believe this because of the hole you're in

4) It would be an unequal friendship because you have different motives. If you want to be her friend you need to ask yourself one question, can you sit at a table with her at breakfast with her smiling after a night where she's kept you up all night with her boyfriend in the next room?

 

Listen, you need to go into LONG TERM NO CONTACT, if she realises she was wrong to dump you and want's you back that's great BUT you accept nothing less.

 

Again i'm sorry if it's harsh but I wish people told me what I know now a bloody long time ago.

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You make some good points. I am just not sure going into long term no contact is the best solution. The fact that she wants to still be my best friend even after me being an emotional train wreck the past three weeks tells me that she still has some feelings for me. Knowing her, I think that NC probably will destroy those feelings and that is the last thing I want to do.

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You make some good points. I am just not sure going into long term no contact is the best solution. The fact that she wants to still be my best friend even after me being an emotional train wreck the past three weeks tells me that she still has some feelings for me. Knowing her, I think that NC probably will destroy those feelings and that is the last thing I want to do.

 

haha you are bullsh*ting yourself man. The reason why she wants to be "best friends" with you is because she wants you as a safety net. She believes that you will always be there for her...so when she has a fight with her new boyfriend she will come running back in her arms. So do yourself a favor and don't be there for her. If she calls you don't answer. Be busy. Now all of a sudden the tables have turned. She's gonna be thinking about what you are doing and if you have moved on or not.

 

Bottom line....

 

Do you really want a woman like this? A woman that doesn't love you back? Yes i know you feel great that she wants to be your friend but what kind of friendship is this? Not a healthy one my man. Have some self respect man...i know you are obvously hurting and your love for her is like an addiction and you just want a quick fix. So basically she is like a drug and you need to quit.

 

I'm gonna say this once and once only.......NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL YOURSELF

What kind of person wants to get rejected...wait...wait and wait...get rejected again...and 2 years later still havent healed yet from the ex. Dude don't fool yourself man....your ex-gf was not that great. Yes she has flaws and you will find someone that will love you for you.

 

Trust me on this i know how you feel. But after a few months of NC, after meeting new people, after time passes, you will think about her less and less and the pain does go away.

 

have respect man...cuz obviously you are desperate and that isn't attractive to woman. Girls want a confident man who KNOWS that they are the prize. And if you are begging then she automatically places you below her. And no one wants to be 2nd or 3rd best. You want to be #1 in your girl's life.

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ah, yes. You and me are the same person my brother. She wants me to be her friend while she tells me she just gave a phone number out to some random guy and I saw her kissing some other guy at a show we used to go to. NOT GOOD. Ive been talking to her almost everyday (98%) since we broke up and Ive felt nothing more than heartache and my life and everything that defines me has been devalued. I am tired of feeling this way. I talked to her this afternoon and I got tired of it. I finally blocked her calls (called me 3x tonight) deleted my myspace and would only email her from time to time saying I'm ok and hope she is as well. that is it. hopefully i can get my self respect back. its going to be hard gaining it after 2 months of making a fool of myself.

 

I have found this out today and hopefully I will stick with it: SHE WILL ONLY RESPECT YOU IF YOU YOURSELF HAVE SELF RESPECT, AND RESPECT HER AS WELL. I really want to call her but I'm here online at ENA right now trying to gain the mutual understanding people with the same experience as I have...

 

John

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You make some good points. I am just not sure going into long term no contact is the best solution. The fact that she wants to still be my best friend even after me being an emotional train wreck the past three weeks tells me that she still has some feelings for me. Knowing her, I think that NC probably will destroy those feelings and that is the last thing I want to do.

 

Like bobo said you could be her safety net. What she feels could also be pity. My ex said to me that she wants to be friends with me and that she feels bad for me because of what happened.

 

You may be right about the NC. I said I can't be friends at her new situation and I haven't seen her for over a month now. So, the ex's who "want" to remain friends can ditch the friendship pretty fast, too (I'm interpreting this so that she really didn't have any "feelings" left). I don't think you'd feel comfortable with a one-sided relationship/friendship. As hard as it may seem, try no contact for yourself.

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John bogswagon, we are like friggen twins! People, I have also spent the last 2 months making a fool of myself and i will be ridiculed no more! NCNCNCNCNC!! Im on day 3 but already feel stronger and prettier and smarter.

 

We don't step back ever! I begged and pleaded and grovelled and cooked for him and bought his favorite biscuits and gave him avocados from our tree and what do I have to show for it? Nothingnothingnothing.

 

Be glad she's so far away, good riddance!

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pony,

 

I know! she told me she doesnt love me. told me she doesnt want to be with me. told me she needed distance, and that she had a life to live now. the life we USED to live together! the friends we hungout with, she now hangs out with alone! the guy I trusted to be her friend, now is trying to date her! and the emotions she used to share with me, about her life, her friends, family, etc... she doesnt share anymore! and here i am wishing that we can still have memories together in the future... how can i have become so pathetic?

this is day 1 for me. i dont know how long i can be... she insists the only thing she can offer is friendship and I said i cant be a friend becoz she doesnt see us getting back together again.

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Im in the same damn boat. Mine just has emotional issues and is close to clinically depressed. I was a whiney, crying doormat for almost 4 months and I started NC on Sunday morning. It sucks and is the hardest thing I have had to do. Hopefully she will realize what life without me is like. 5 years and now this. I can say it did make me stronger. I no longer look at my phone every 5 minutes or wonder what she is doing. I cry allot and I am totally sad but no one who loves you should treat you poorly. Read this from another site....

 

 

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Hi, I'm new here. DO NOT SETTLE as her friend if you want your girl back!! I have done that and I really regret.

 

My ex boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 4 mo ago, mainly it was my fault. After he left me, I realized that I took him for granted and regret I mistreated him and hated myself. I did everything I was not supposed to do: begging, crying, apologizing, tried to convince him that I've changed, you name it. We agreed to stay friends, because we used to be best friends and it was hard for him to cut off everything as well.

 

I tried LC for a month, and then we started seeing each other as friends, pretended like I was cool about it. We had great time every time we see each other, but it only made me feel sad, facing what I've lost. We eventually started sleeping together. It was great when I was with him, but the rest of the time was like hell. I was dying to hear from him, worrying what if he change his mind and not want to see me anymore etc. It was like knife stuck in my heart every time he cancelled our plan at the last minutes. So last week I confronted with him and asked what he really wants. He said clearly that he does not want a relationship, but he still wants to see me as friend, the same answer as it was 4 months ago!! I am drained from emotional rollercoaster, and tired of feeling miserable and unimportant. So I told him I cannot do this anymore. I want to move on and let my broken heart heal. So I'm on day 2 for NC. I still want him back, but I know now that staying as friends does not make him want to be with me or change the way he feels about me.

 

Stay strong!

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longhaircats - your situation sounds like the reverse of mine, with the exception that my gf and I are 700 mi apart... I'm not trying to be a jerk, but hopefully I'm not in your situation 3 months from now. Good luck with the NC thing.

 

Anyway, I tried the whole NC thing beggining 6 days ago, but today she called and we talked for around an hour. I'm not sure if talking to her was the right decision or not. I didnt break down and tell her how much I loved her / how bad i wanted to get back together. We mostly talked as friends, but i got the impression that she missed what we had. Any advice on what to do from here?

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I think you are handling this very well--a lot better than me. As long as she initiates the contact, and you don't show your intention of wanting to get back together, it is okay to talk on the phone. In this way, she will know you are still there for you to take her call and won't feel rejected. I know it is hard, but just be patient and let her figure out what she wants. Until then, don't initiate contact (like I did)! Good luck!!

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