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I've tried everything, I don't know what to do next


LW4E
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Me and my GF have been together for fifteen months now. In the beginning everything felt perfect, I was always happy to be with her she made me feel better than anybody could ever make me feel. We used to go for walks every night and have casual conversations, we used to always be outside doing something, whether it be going for a walk or pushing eachother on the swings at the park.

 

But recently things have been different, our relationship has about ten percent communication, the only time we're ever really talking nowadays she's telling me lies.

 

I didn't see that our relationship was so deprived of communication until I got down to thinking about it three days ago, she was over at my house and we were in my room, I asked her to lay down with me so we could talk... It went good for about three minutes before she got up to use my computer... then her dad called and said she had to be home, so I went with her. Now we're at her house... but before I go any further let me explain this part.

 

See, whenever I go to her house we're in the basement, the location of her computer. So when we're down there, she's on the computer... that's all she ever does. Recently she has become EXTREMELY addicted to The Sims which I know is an addicting game but she is so addicted to it, it's mind boggling. She rushes to play it every time i'm over, so I basically lay down on the couch down there and fall asleep, I just rot on the couch while she plays computer games.

 

Now, back to my situation, we went to her house and before she could get to the computer I asked her to sit with me on the couch so we could have a conversation with no distractions... again, it went good for maybe five seconds before she asked me if she could get up to play the sims, so I just said "Whatever" so she stayed, we talked a little bit more and then she made an excuse to get up and play computer games her excuse was "You know, I haven't played internet games in a long time."

 

And whenever I try to talk to her without arranging to talk she either says something sarcastic or makes some stupid random noise... it's so damn annoying.

 

One other problem our relationship has (And this pisses me right the hell off) I find physical contact with her hard, not sex but simply hugging and kissing... it seems like every time I touch her now she screams and tells me it feels like i'm raping her when all I tried to do was hug her... She never used to be like that I don't know what I did wrong but I feel like I did something wrong to make her act like this.

 

I feel like i've tried everything I possibly can to bring our relationship back to the level it was once on... I don't know what to do anymore, she's my first GF and i'm her first BF, I don't know how I would deal with a break-up if it were ever to happen, I don't want it to...

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Hmm... I don't like what she says to you when you try to hug her. That seems a bit over the top and I would be concerned that there may be somehting deeper.

 

She is definitely withdrawing. She is using the game to block things out and withdraw from the world. That includes you.

 

It is difficult to find the core issue when someone is doing this when they don't want to talk about it. Is it your relationship? Did something outside your relationsip cause this? Is she exercising addicitive behavior?

 

You can't tell a person what to do. They can only change when they want to change. It *is* however reasonable a expected to set boundaries that you are willing to enforce.

 

I think you need to set a boundary here. Not necessarily a "give up the game or let me go boundary", but a "Tell me what is going on, how you feel about our relationship and why you want to escape instead of engaging in me" boundary.

 

You have to decide what you are willing to accept a reasonable behavior and be ready to enforce it, and also be prepared to accept the consequences.

 

One thing to consider also is, this is your first relationship. It's been 15 months. The infatuation period has waned in it, that much is certain. It's time to try and figure out if her withdrawal is due to something outside of the relationship or is it because of the relationship. Her excuse that she hasn't played a game in a long time is not adequate. She has been choosing the game over being with you... you need to decide whether that is acceptable for you and, if not, be prepared to set the line.

 

Best wishes...

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Well...

 

I left this out not to make her look bad but because I felt it wasn't a reason (You'll find out later.)

 

It's well known amungst myself and her closest friends that when she was younger her babysitter tried to rape her.

 

The reason I left this out was because I was always able to hug and kiss her without her bringing up the rape issue, it just started about 2 months ago and it's not like it happens ALOT I am still able to hug her it's just that at random times when I try she says it.

 

And as for the things she lies about... Alot of them are small white lies but I know from family experiences that small lies can turn into something bigger and they are starting to.

 

In August I was over at her house along with two other friends, one of which who lives three towns over, we only get to see him maybe once a month. She was again playing computer games and the three of us were extremely bored... so we asked her if she wanted to go outside and she said that she was feeling too sick to go outside when we know that wasn't true because she was just playing The Sims all day, we couldn't believe that she lied to avoid going outside, she used to be outside all the time.

 

Stuff like that.

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You need to communicat eyour needs to her. Right now being that she needs to communicate with you as to what is going on, on an emotional level, causing her to avoid you. Just playing a game means that she thinks the game is more interesting than you. It's a hit to your self esteem to think this.. but realize it has nothing to do.. it is her problem.

 

If she is unwilling to engage you, you need to be prepared to move on to someone who will choose to communicate their issues to you over withdrawaing, and choose spending some quality time with you over a game.

 

She very well could be using the video game and fighting off your affection in an effort to give you every reason to end the relationship.

 

Give her the opportunity to ask or help about what is troubling her. But, if she refuses the offer, there is nothing you can do. You deserve to be with someone that looks after your needs as well as theirs... it's very "one-sided" here.

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