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It never leaves, it keeps visiting.

 

I have felt extremely bipolar these last couple of days. Everything said to me is a personal insult or threat (paranoia), I'm doubting the cleanliness of personal objects, They May Give You HIV! my brain says (paranoia - I am, underneath all this, a well-informed and well-educated individual), I sit and glaze, or I sit with a tornado of thoughts between my ears.

 

I'm thrown by frequent deja vu. I'm thrown by very many things, I feel again as though I am unravelling.

 

I feel there is little point in describing my symptoms yet again to friends, or on Enotalone, I'm sure anyone who matters knows I have phases of feeling desperate, CONSTANTLY afraid, constantly as though I desire nothing more than to kill myself.

 

I have emerged from other such phases, why should this be different?

 

I usually recover from feeling a stomach-sickness at the world? From waves and waves of anger, resentment, restlessness.

 

I can look in a mirror and cry, and this will help no one.

 

I'm incoherant, arrogant, jealous, insecure, intelligent, mentally ill, paranoid, ugly and misplaced.

 

As inappropriate as this sounds, I hope some day I AM forced into a hospital, from there I can only head upwards. I deserve it, I am vermin. Human vermin.

 

So Ends The Lesson.

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I know things are rough, but hang in there.

Why? Because you're not alone.

I sometimes feel sad and depressed as well. The world can seem like such a cruel place sometimes.

I guess I can only tell you that I'm here to listen.

I think maybe sometimes we repeat things over and over again in an attempt to understand them....and others times because we keep experiencing the same emotions, not because we are dwelling on emotions past.

It's not something you can help, I often do it myself these days.

Hang in there, it's hard, but I'll encourage you to do so anyway.

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when u start having these down times to have someone with you to help balance things and to help you stay occupied? maybe when these times come you should plan ahead so you have the things in place that will help because even though u will continue to go thru these things there are always ways to make the passage thru them easier.

 

reach out and let people help u.

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I'm able to understand exactly what you're going through. A perfect mirror. For the past few months, through freshman year and now as a sophmore, ive been dealing with so many differnt feelings, constant deja vu, always so paranoid, ive started caring less and less about what people say. And like you, i want to be dragged off and "fixed". you're not alone, because although its almost fun having this...i want it to stop already.We're the "lucky" few who share the same head, but dont think you have to carry it by yourself. ^.^

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