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"When The One You Love, Is The One That Hurts You The Most"


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Hello Everybody-

 

I have been a member here and a lurker here for almost two years now and I have to say it has helped me a great deal and has also made me at times feel terrible. I guess I sit back and read all these post and know that there are so many people here just like me. People who have put so much into the person they love only to get kicked down over and over again. I can almost feel their pain as I scroll through all these post. For me I have spent the last three years back and forth with a girl that I know will always be "the one that got away". I have been lead on so many times to believe that this time she is for real and wants to work things out, only to be let down over and over again. I never thought that in my 26 years of life that I would have been capable to love someone so very much. I sit alone tonight in front of this computer and have so many unanswered questions. I wonder how someone like my ex could say the things she says, act the way she does, do the things she does, only to walk away at the very last minute. My situtaion is so complex and hopefully my friends here can shed some light on the issue. I will enclose my link from the thread way back when, when I was going through the same heartache. You will not have to read it all but atleats the first couple post

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Sorry Everyone I got cut off-

 

So anyways back to my saga. I not really sure how to add a link from my previous thread from way back when, but if someone can help me that would be great. So back In November of 2005 i went to visit my ex for the first time since we broke up. It was a horrible trip to say the least and I guess i figured that everything was suppose to fall right back in place and when it didnt i git depressed and wasnt fun to be around.

 

Fast forward to last month. Well after my previous trip we didnt speak to each other very much at all. Maybe one phone call and that was it. Well back in March of this year she came back with full force. You know the I love you's, the gifts, the cards, the late night and early morning phone calls. The "I miss you's" the long sappy emails that say everything i want to hear. How she loves me and knows that one day we will be together and that how much i mean to her and her family..etc.... At first I was very guarded, but do you blame me? After awhile though I got weak and caved in. I booked a flight to go see her and she promised that everything would be great. The first night i was there, she showered me with gifts. For the first time in two years i kissed the lips that i have ever so longed for. It was amazing. She was so receptive but the I kinda backed off. I didnt wanna rush into things and wanted to take it slow. Well after about the third day, she started to get distant again and stressed out. She was always very polite to me but not as loving and it seemed that she started to run for the hills. The rest of the trip was great. We hung out with her family and that was awesome. We had a great time. Her family adores me and always tells her that I am her future husband. Her dad told me that she always says "i know" . Well after I left I had no regrets of going like i did the first time. Sure I didnt get any anwsers but I knew that I had to take things slow. I came back and for the first couple days she was calling and everything was fine. She had two more trips planned for use next year that she was talking about and so on.

 

Well for the last three days she has been distant. No phone calls, doesnt return my calls or texts. I have been going through a lot of family stress right now with a sick great uncle so i havnt been in the greatest moods. However even my ex'es from way back when have called to check up on me and my family but nothing from her. I kinda was pissed about this yesterday when she called and snapped at her. I didnt mean it but she hung up on me and hasnt called since. I tried to call once ansd tell her that I was sorry for being a * * * * but she hasnt returned my calls yet.

 

I need help my friends, what do i do with this girl. Do I caught all ties and realize she is leading me on or do I keep trying. She is still young and doesnt come from the soundest of families. All this aside I love her with all my heart and want nothing but the best for her. Why does she do what she dios to me? I think I need to back off for awhile and not me so available to her, what do you think? She might have some serious issues with herself that she needs to resolve as well you know. I keep thinking that she met someguy in the last week and that whys she hasnt called and that type of behaviour is what got me in trouble before. I dont know what to do anymore, please help????

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There comes a time when one gets the strenght to end a rocky relationship.

 

Only you know when you will be able to make that decision.

 

For now, I suggest that you do not contact her and wait to hear from her. Meanwhile, collect your thoughts and think carefully about what you want to say to her once she calls you.

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Hi there,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting - I'm trying to put together the time line, and it's a Sunday morning here, so I think I'm a bit slower than usual! But have I got this right, that it's been three days since you heard from her? Because I've got to be honest, that doesn't seem to be that long. Have you tried to contact her? Does she know how you're feeling? You said you had a bit of a fight yesterday? She might well just be not speaking to you because she's mad at you - 24 hours is not that long.

 

I think there seems to be a lack of communication between the two - in a LDR, it's always quite difficult to keep the momentum going. Maybe explain to her that you find it difficult to deal with the changeability, between her being full on and detached. That you need consistency - and then ask her what she would like to say to you, about how YOU could improve the relationship. Communication is a two-way thing. Good luck with this!

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HoneyPumkin-

 

Thank you for your reply. Reading others ideas has helped me so very much. I know that its not along time since we last spoke and she probably is a little upset. Let me ask you a question. From your point of view, why do you think my ex does this stuff to me. She seems like she loves to lead me on with all the cards, gifts, kind words, etc.. She lives almost two states away and she is beautifull. She can get any guy she wants but yet she still loves to talk to me, have me come visit and all that other stuff. I mean I was her bf almost three years ago and she broke it off. So at that time, she was not obviously that into me, i guess. I wish you could see the emails she writes to me. Its almost a little weird, you know? Do you think that she sits there and really thinks how this will confuse me and lead me on. Or do you think that maybe somewhere in the back of her mind she does wanna have a future with me and somewhere has feelings for me but yet knows how to express them or show them?

 

 

Melissa1144-

 

Thank u for yoru reply. I know that I need to sit back and think about things and collect my thoughts. I am miserable right now bc I am not sure why my ex does this to me. Comes on strong then disappears. I am just so confused and hurt at the sametime. i have given my heart to this girl for the last three years. She came back into my life after almost a year of NC, just when i was doing ok. Since then it has been a emotional rollercoater, you know. In your opinion, from a womens point of view, why does she do this to me. She is a thousand miles away and I dont go out of my way to shower her with gifts etc.. What benefit does she get from this?

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i think you have to cut your losses is the type of marriage you want an on and off love - no life is stressful enough and you mus thnk if you had kids a hill climbing relationship is not good forthem so looking at the future and from what you said it doesnt seem such a good thing to be together she is being weak and after such a long time doesnt know what she wants so cut your losses and make good

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Its been day four with no contact, no word from here. For those of you that have the time to read my situation, please, please do. She seemed to just have dropped of the face of the earth. Since she got mad at me on Friday, i have not heard a word from her at all. My family is going through a tough patch and I took it out on her when she called me on Friday. She was being so sweet but yet I was angry so I was mean to her. I left her a message and apologized.

 

I sent her a text and apologized to her for being mean on the phone. Thats how I am. I cant go on with life with no telling somebody that im sorry. Please read my situation and give me some advice. I would love anybodys input. I dont know why my ex leads me on so much to the put where I think she wants to try again, only to disappear and leave me crushed. Please help my friends.

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i would say to you to not butter her up anymore with apologies. and dont try to call her for a few days. let this smooth over and focus on your family for the moment. as far as your relationship with her goes.... you need to tell her to stop treating you like a yo yo and make up her mind! it sounds like she can treat you like total crap one sec then turn around and say she is sorry and your back to her. i know its tough when you are in love with someone but you need to get a little stronger with her. see what happened? she can turn you down as much as she wants then say shes sorry and your back no problem. she then pissed you off and you snapped at her, you should be the one getting apologies at this point for her messing with your emotions like that. i hope this helps and good luck

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I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I know that you are really needing advice and feel all alone in this trying to figure it all out yourself. Heres the real deal. You are the only one now that you need to think of. When you start thinking, what is she thinking? Or does she miss me? Or why does she do this? These are all questions that will NEVER get answered. The only thing you can do now is evaluate how the relationship is making you feel. You two have been together I think you said 3 years, and 1 year of NC. It sounds like it is pretty rocky to me. Honestly, she sounds very wishy washy, and you sound like you are head over heals. I have been in this saga for 7 years, and FINALLY (it takes me longer I guess) I have realized, that I am the only one that can help me. I may be the only one caring about what I feel. She knows that you care and probably has great comfort knowing at a drop of a dime that you will be there. That is usually when people treat people like crap is because they know that they can. Think about your future. Do you really really want a life long deal of this, even if you love her, you will eventually end up resenting her if this conitues the way that it is. It rarely changes. Trust me... Find someone who is serious about wanting YOU around and cares about what you are going through, instead of it being all about them. Do something to take care of you, and really try hard not to obsess how to do the right perfect thing in case she comes back.. You can do this. You are doing the right thing, and I am sorry that you are hurting so much.. IT WILL PASS

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Elegantoverkill-

 

 

Thank you so much first off for taking the time to read my thread. It means alot to me. You are so right and that seems to be the advice i am getting from most. Stand up for yourself and not be so available. Move on and see if she changes. I feel that if i find the balls.lol to be a man again with her something will happen. If i tell her that i am moving on maybe she will see that I am not her yo yo anymore, you know? I know that she cares for me but I dont think that she loves me anymore. If she did, she would not hurt me and lead me on like she does.. thanks again for your help.

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Redsuede-

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out by resoinding tgo my thread. I need to listen to what you are saying and move on. Its hard when you love someone like I love her. It hurts to know that a person can say the things they say, write the things they write and act they way they act when they know that you still love them. To lead somebody on, you know? Whats hurts too is that it seems to me that she tells her parents one thing and acts another towards me. Her parents who love me to death seem to think that we are wroking on getting abck together or that we are. I guess that there are both guys and girls out there that do this type of thing. Im sorry that you went through for seven years. What was your situation, if you wanna share? I need to stand up for myself and move on, i know. I know that she is young and to be honest I dont think that she knows what she wants. I have so much offer. I have a great, prestigious job that makes great money. I am caring and have a great family, i just wish that she could see this and wanna be with me or just tell me that she hates me and to move on. It hurst so bad right now my friend but i know it will pass...Agaain thanks

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Hey 7Out, I hear what you are saying, and I feel for you. I have been through the exact same thing with my ex, except that I am a girl and it was my boyfriend who was doing this to me. We were so in love when we met, the relationship turned long distance and that's when problems began. He would break up with me, only to come back, then go again, and so on and so on. I can not tell you how much pain this has caused me over the last year and a half. He literally treated me like a yo-yo and I was just so in love with him that I always took him back, no matter what he did. He also did the disappearing acts, just like your girlfriend, and I would end up aologising in a situation, in which, if the balance was right, he was the one that should have beeen apologising! The balance was totally in his favour and it was ruining my life, my self esteem and my happiness that I worked so hard for.

 

As one of the posters above said, a time will come when you realise you need to end this destructive relationship. I guess you are not at that stage yet, but you will be soon. You can not be unhappy because of this one girl. There is so much more to life than her and her indeciseniveness. I have come to that point where I've just had enough - I want to live my life again, to be happy, to not be burdened with the thoughts of him and how he is going to hurt me next. I think you should do NC and stick to it. It will hurt, but in the long run, it will hurt a lot less than if you let her play with you like this. Plus, a strong stance from you, like NC will make her see you in a different light - I promise you that.

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Littlesensitive-

 

Thank you so much for your reply to my thread, it means alot. Your ex and mine should link up, they seem to be clones..lol. Anyways the situations seem to be the exact same. Wonderfull, long-distance relationship that ended. Now it seems that she has looked and looked for a bigger fish in the sea, a better one, and has had empty nets. However for whatever reason she doesnt care or love me enough to wanna work things out. Who knows? I am reading a great book right now called "the 5 things in life you cant control, and the happiness you find by embracing them". Its not a break-up or broken hearted survival guide but it helps you understand things better.

 

You will be proud of me though. My ex called me last nite and I didnt pick up. It was hard not to call her back but I stayed strong for everybody here. What happened to your ex once you stopped being his yo-yo. You said at the end that my ex would see me in a different light. I was just curious if your ex changed for the better or worse after you stopped giving in. Do you still talk or has it been NC since?

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7OUT - GOOD FOR YOU! Resist the urge to comminicate. Not because you want revenge, but YOU need time to analyze her actions towards you without having her around. I called and sent texts to my ex b/f for a week after he packed and left. Got tired of it, decided that I need to take over and drive my own life. I stopped communicating, stopped replying to his calls. Felt good, we didnt end up back together, but at least I showed him and myself that I am in control of my life. YOU create your own happiness and do not depend on someone else. TAKE CHARGE 7OUT!!

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I've been in serious relationships and ultimately determined that the person was the most important in my life and my best friend yet couldn't understand how they could do things that made them feel like my worst enemy at the same time.

 

Embrace the time apart. Gain a perspective from outside of the box. If someone loves you and wants to be with you, they will not willingly cause you pain. If they intentionally cause pain or are careless about hurting you, they care more about themself and will not be able to participate in a "stable" relationship.

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