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Where is she coming from?


dragnink
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My girlfriend and I have had a lot of problems. She lost her license due to an OUI conviction some time ago and is still without a car. For this reason she has to depend on people to drive her around, and she's the type that can't sit around long--so she's always out and about. I also feel she has an addiction to alcohol... because she always wants to get a bottle of wine or a 6-pack when we're out.

 

She's a very attractive girl, and always has guys around to take her where she needs to go when I can't be there. The problem is that on the weekends, she "has" to go out. She gets very bored sitting around at these times, and if I'm not around... she's usually calling a guy up to pick her up and take her out to a bar, or to a party at someone's house, etc. I'm not really into the bar scene or clubs, but she always has been and still is...

 

I feel so uncomfortable with this, and it feels like complete disrespect towards me and our relationship. It's as if she presents herself as a single girl to other guys, like I'm somewhat of a secret. I might be wrong, maybe these guys still would hang around her if they knew she was spoken for--she is gorgeous and has a magnetic personality.

 

Last night was a classic example. She was supposed to be getting a ride back home after some guy picked her up and took her down to one of her friends houses, but plans changed. She slept over instead somewhere, and he's driving her back today. She had no problem talking to me on his cell phone, I could hear him in the background even.

 

Something in me just can't get over her lifestyle. This is "normal" to her. To me it isn't. I think if I was the one getting picked up by a girl, sleeping over, and having the girl take me home the next day.. she'd be paranoid and upset.

 

To do this time and time and again just makes me feel like she's rubbing it in my face, even knowing that I don't like it. Like I should just "accept it" and be more trusting.

 

She is definitely a people person, very extroverted. Her circle of friends extends far and wide, to the point it seems like it's always someone new, or someone I haven't heard about. Most of her friends are all male, she doesn't hang out with her female friends much at all.

 

Now, she sounded completely sober last night.. but other times she's proven very irresponsible with her drinking, and gets totally wasted. During these times I usually have to talk to someone on her cell, get directions to where she's at and pick her up, because I fear some other guy will take advantage of her--she gets very sexual and flirty when she drinks enough. I end up losing sleep in the process.

 

I just find myself worrying so much at times like this. It's as if she wants to keep living like a single person on the weekends or when I'm not around, yet professes how much she wants to be with me. I just don't feel like I'm enough for her, if I was she wouldn't need to do this to me. Her sexual past also concerns me a lot--she's slept with numerous men in and outside of relationships.. she wouldn't tell me the number, but I assume it's between 15-30, and she's a 25 year old woman.

 

She often blames me and says if I took her out more often, she wouldn't need to be like this. I just don't buy it. I've felt so disrespected, that I realize I no longer treat her the same as I once did... I treat her with less respect, and I've told her I really have no faith or security or trust in her. I don't want to do anything special for her anymore, for fear I'll be rewarding her behavior which I don't approve of. I realize I now talk down to her, she says I make her feel like I'm her daddy.

 

I love this person very much. She's very special to me. But unless she changes, I can't see myself committing to her... which she implies she wants more than anything (marriage/home.. etc).

 

She doesn't seem like she wants to give up the benefits of the single life while she's in a relationship. Her past boyfriend of 5 years became abusive--and I think it's for the same reasons I feel anger and resentment towards her now.

 

I just feel no security with her--I've broken up with her multiple times because she never seems to "learn", so she reciprocates that by saying she feels no security with me, that I just act on my own decisions without considering her first.

 

Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? I want a woman who just wants to be with me, even if we're just sitting on the couch, taking a ride, or going for a walk somewhere. But unfortunately, I never feel like I'm just enough for her. She's always reaching out in other directions, grasping for other straws.

 

I've written quite a lot. I hope some of you could provide some advice or clarity.

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It seems to me that there is a basic incompatibility here. I think you need to sit down with her and talk about these issues, and any that she has, calmly and in a spirit of compromise in order to save the relationship.

 

But if she will not do that, or the talk reveals that neither is willing to change their basic position, then I think you are best advised to let her go.

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I agree with you that if my bf were doing that stuff, I'd be SOOOO pissed. I don't know how you've even lasted this long.

 

Maybe she needs someone who's more of a partier, and I think you need to come to grips with the fact that you could love her, but it doesn't mean it's a good match. Don't even talk about commitment right now. She is very, VERY not ready, and you committing to that would mean ruining your chances of happiness.

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